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If you’ve learned the basics of the human experience, then you probably know that money cannot buy happiness. It can alleviate stress, but the absence of stress is not the same as joy. It’s an integral stepping stone on the way to joy, but it’s not one in the same. Research has even proven that basing one’s self-worth on financial success is a direct path to misery and isolation. Those who feel they will only be liked and have friends if they have money will, ironically, spend so much time pursuing money and status that they won’t have time for friends.
So in that very simple and practical way, great wealth and status can actually stand in the way of friendship. Then there’s this thing that isn’t research-backed but quietly understood: people who link their money to their self-worth just aren’t very likable. Interestingly enough, having money later in life – as in, retirement age – can increase happiness because it enables socialization. However, the important difference is that the individuals are retired, so they A) have time to be with friends and B) have released their career status as part of their identity. As for younger individuals, for now, don’t link money and friendships in your mind.
If you’ve been fortunate enough to figure out the above, and to have some wealth, then you might have friends who aren’t wealthy. You’ve remained grounded enough to enjoy relationships that aren’t based on money in any way, and so you’ve made space for friends who are in a different financial situation than your own. That’s wonderful. But even when money isn’t technically a factor, it still sort of is. When you have a lot of money, it can be easy to accidentally do things that financially stress out those who have less. So, here are ways to be more cognizant of your broke friend’s situation.
She doesn’t want to split the bill
When you dine out in a group, you may be accustomed to just asking the server to split the bill among how many people are there, or among the couples. But your broke friend cannot afford to accidentally absorb the cost of that one couple’s margarita pitcher and that other’s dessert and the really expensive steak the other friend ordered. Your broke friend likely ordered very specific items for a very specific reason: they were the cheapest items. She probably budgeted this to be a $30 transaction for her, and when you split the bill, it suddenly becomes a $65 one. That’s a big difference to a broke friend.
She needs to be paid back
Sometimes you may not have cash on you, and grab lunch with your broke friend at what turns out to be a cash-only place, so she covers your lunch, and you say you’ll pay her back. Maybe when you know she’s stopping at the store on the way to your place to grab a few things, you ask her to get a couple of items that you need. She needs to be paid back for the lunch. She needs to be paid back for the orange juice, floss, and butter. To you, the cost is pennies, so you’d likely never ask a friend to pay you back for those. But your broke friend didn’t have your lunch or groceries in her budget, and needs to be compensated. And she feels bad asking so, make a note to yourself, and pay her back.
Stop ordering for the table
You may get excited at a restaurant and just start ordering for the table. You want your friends to have the ultimate experience, and you know what’s good at this restaurant. So you’re throwing some steak tar tars and bottles of champagne and five more appetizers on the order. Meanwhile, your broke friend is probably sweating. She didn’t want to participate in those appetizers, but will feel ashamed later saying she didn’t eat any so shouldn’t have to pay for any. Just ask up top who wants the crab cakes or the cheese platter so there is an obvious moment where those who will be eating it (i.e. paying for it) raise their hands.
If it’s far, she’s not Ubering
When you invite your broke friend to a once-in-a-lifetime experience, far away, where drinking is clearly a part of it – like a wedding at an amazing location with an open bar – she’s in a sticky situation. She can’t afford the $100 in Ubers to get there and back if she wants to drink. So, she’s going to have to drive to this one. Or, if you want to help her out, you can find out if you have other friends in her area driving to it, and you can ask them to give her a ride. But if you’re wondering why she is late from circling for parking for a half-hour, it’s because she drove, because your event was too far away for her to Uber to.
She’s staying in for financial reasons
You recommend seeing a movie. She recommends watching Netflix at her place. You recommend going to a restaurant. She offers to make you two dinner at her home. You recommend bottomless mimosas. She says she’d love a girls’ night in, instead. If you notice this trend, it’s because she’s trying to save money but is too shy to say so. If you really love this friend for her company, then maybe do the restaurant/movie/mimosas thing another day, with a friend who can afford it, and do a night in with this other friend. And look genuinely happy to do it, so she doesn’t feel her budget is holding you back.
A “little” means a lot to her
“You should come on the trip. It’s only like $600 a person.” “You should get a housekeeper. It’s only like $125 a session.” “Have you considered getting your car hand-detailed instead of doing the drive-thru? They do a much better job and it doesn’t cost much – it’s just like $80 after tip.” You use words like “just” and “little” very differently than she does. She upgrades from the $10 to the $12 drive-thru car wash because $2 is a “little.” She stays at motels when she travels because it’s “just” $75 a night. Your thresholds of money that justify those words are very different.
She chooses who she spends with wisely
This can be hard for the truly wealthy to understand, but your broke friend does not have enough money to go on vacation with people she loves, and she definitely doesn’t have enough to go on vacation with people she doesn’t love. So when you suggest a girls’ trip, but you want to bring one friend your broke friend doesn’t like, it’s just not going to happen. She can barely afford to take such a trip. She has to work hard to save enough for it. And it would be really devastating for her if the trip was anything less than an all-out, 130% amazing time without any drama or tension. Wealthy people vacation with people they less-than-love, but not broke people.
Don’t ask to bring a plus-one (or two)
If your broke friend is hosting a dinner party, don’t ask to bring a friend or two. She probably created a budget that allowed her to feed exactly the number of people she invited – no more. To you, it seems like it’s no big deal to bring another person. But you may be unknowingly asking your friend to grab $30 more worth of food and drinks, and she really didn’t plan for that. Even if you politely add, “You can say no!” just…don’t ask if you can bring a plus-one in the first place. It puts her in an uncomfortable position.
Don’t overdo it on gifts
While you may specifically want to buy things for your broke friend that she can’t buy for herself, that puts her in an awkward position. She’ll want to reciprocate and buy you something comparable when your birthday/special occasion comes along, but she can’t afford to. So your gift will make hers look bad in comparison. You don’t think that way, but she does. So anytime you give her a super generous gift, she just thinks, “Great. Now I have to buy you something equally nice in the future. This isn’t a gift – it’s a bill!” Buy her things that are in her budget.
She doesn’t want you to pay for everything
Sometimes, you might really want to go to a high-end restaurant or expensive experience. You want your broke friend as company. So you tell her you’ll just pay for her. Maybe she’ll accept this occasionally, but she doesn’t want this to become a thing. It makes her feel unintentionally like a mooch, and if you push for it, it makes her feel like her company, simply that, at budget-friendly activities, isn’t enough. Don’t pressure her to accept your offer to buy her plane tickets if she’s clearly uncomfortable.
