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I understand that, when it comes to how to approach women they’re interested in, men can be a little confused – maybe now more than ever since the recent increase in attention to the wrong ways men have approached women in the past. There are certainly men who do not want to make women uncomfortable, but, they do still want women.
Maybe society can’t agree on much when it comes to things like chivalry and misogyny and where the line is drawn, but we can probably all agree that things are messy between men and women right now, without a doubt. They’re messy because we’re making progress, but messy nonetheless, which can leave some men totally clueless as to how to properly get in a love interest’s good graces. A little piece of advice to those confused men: don’t get in her graces under the guise of trying to do something else. Studies have actually found that people who are honest appear more attractive, so don’t lie about what you want. It’s not sexy.
Here are sneaky ways men hit on women that need to stop.
Asking for your career advice
This can be one of the most maddening ruses men use to get with a woman. It’s all sorts of misogyny on top of sexism on top of harassment. The act of a man asking a woman for her career guidance is exactly what we want to see – it’s systems of industries oppressing women’s careers turned on its head. When it’s genuine, it’s a glimpse into a reality that isn’t drowning in the patriarchy. So for a man to use the illusion of that otherwise positive moment to then do something that’s ultimately harassment is a disgusting form of abuse and manipulation. I’ve experienced it: I was so flattered when a man asked me to coffee to “pick my brain” because of my “expertise” in my industry…only to ask nothing of my work, and put his hand on my knee. I felt sick and stupid all at once, but I shouldn’t have felt stupid.
Offering career advice
On the other end of things are men who are in a position to influence or guide a woman’s career, and who use that power to gain sexual favor. I remember when I was a young writer, a male contact had a friend who’d started a new magazine and was looking for freelancers for a cover story. He agreed to show her some of my work and my resume, but the entire time these back-and-forth emails and calls went out – him relaying what the publisher said about my work – the man would flirt with me. He wouldn’t blatantly say something sexual, but he was dancing right at the line without crossing it. And I felt I couldn’t do anything about it because he was brokering this opportunity for me.
Doggy play dates
It’s hard to deny Fido of fun when you can tell he’d love a doggy play date with another pup. So when you meet a guy at the dog park, and your dogs clearly hit it off, and he asks if you’d like to have another playdate…you say yes. And then you get to that “play date” and he’s brought champagne and wants to mount you the way Fido mounts your leg when he’s excited. It’s just manipulative when men use dogs to get women. Yes, studies show that dogs make men more attractive to women (more than they make women attractive to men – men don’t typically need any encouragement), but that doesn’t mean men should take advantage of that. Are you asking me out, or my dog? Be clear.
Offering dating advice
I remember when I’d been single for some time, and was unhappy with my success on dating apps, a male “friend” offered to have dinner with me, go over my dating profile, and give me some tips on how to edit it to attract the right kind of men. Of course, he wound up trying to kiss me so…he clearly wasn’t too concerned with helping me meet other men. The worst thing about this trickery is that the guy is taking advantage of the fact you were willing to be vulnerable and put your dating profile/dating habits out there for scrutiny…and then he just used that information for his own gain.
Offering breakup consolation
Never be too trusting of the male “buddy” who offers to be there for you after a breakup. I remember a female comedian making some joke about realizing how many of her male “friends” were just “patient” men, as soon as she ended her relationship. They come out of the woodwork when you become single. And the guy who offers to bring over a funny movie and your favorite comfort food conveniently brings a condom, too. Because condoms are so comforting to women going through breakups…Men who do this, you should know you are a form of a predator.
It’s “not a date”
“A group of us are going to this exhibit.” “A bunch of us are going to this party.” “It’s a bunch of my friends…” This is how you get the invitation. But then you go, and this is so clearly a couples’ thing. Everyone else there is in a couple. Then there is you, and this guy who invited you for this “group” thing. Where there is dancing. Slow dancing. And a view of the stars. And a big “group of friends” who break off into their respective couples to be romantic, leaving you with a lot of pressure to do the same with the guy who invited you there “as a friend.”
Helping you move/paint/organize
Moving and setting up a new home takes a lot of work. I’d love to say I’m strong enough to lift all my own couches and dressers, but I am not. I’d also love to say I am rich enough to hire movers for a day, but I am not. So that means I often must rely on the kindness of others when I need to relocate. And, not to throw shade at my girlfriends, but they, like me, can’t really lift my bedframe. So that leaves me to rely on the kindness of male friends. It’s tough because you hear the way men tease their buddy if he helps a woman move and “Isn’t getting anything in return.” It’s so baked into the conversation among men, when one tells his friends he’s helping a woman move, that as the woman, you almost feel bad asking a man who you don’t want to sleep with, to help you move. And that very guilt is something some guys capitalize on when they help you move your big bed, then try to get in it with you.
Being your chaperone
Walking you to your car. Accompanying you to pick up a piece of Craigslist furniture. Going with you to a work party, where you won’t know anybody. There are many ways a man might offer to “chaperone” you and “protect you against creeps,” when he’s just fully prepared to be the creep. The saddest part about that is he gives you the impression it’s safe to put your guard down, because he’s there, and it turns out he’s the very one you need to have your guard up for. How many times has a man walked you to your car “To keep you safe” only to lean in for that kiss?
Making a professional introduction
When they rope your career into it, that’s really messed up. But it happens all of the time. A man will offer to make a professional introduction for you but for some reason over-include himself in the process. I once had a man do this – he offered to put together a dinner between myself, him, and a contact of his I wanted to meet. He wanted to be there himself, which is fine, but before the dinner said, “You and I should grab a drink after to discuss how it went.” I didn’t feel I could say no, since he’d put the meeting together for me, and of course, he tried to turn it into something else.
Asking for dating advice
Any time a man asks for advice on anything, and then just tries to hit on you, it’s very unfair, since you put aside some of your precious time for this meeting, and you probably even did a little research/preparation. Once a male “friend” asked me to go over his dating profiles on several dating apps with him to give him feedback. I’d taken time to look over each of them, and even grab some photos from his social media profiles that I thought he might include. And he instantly turned this meeting into a date I’d never agreed to go on. To that man, if you ever did want my dating advice – don’t do that.
