Bumps In The Road To Expect As A New Stepparent
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Forty-two percent of adults have at least one step relative. Thirty percent have at least one step or half-sibling. As far as divorce rates go, the United States ranks third, with 3.2 of every 1,000 residents getting a divorce. With divorce being so heavily baked into our society, that creates the path for second marriage (or third, or fourth…) and with that comes the opportunity for a step family. Nobody really blinks an eye today if you talk of your stepparent or step-siblings. There was divorce, a death, a dividing of assets, and potentially a dividing of custody. But eventually, that’s all in the past, spouses and households have become rearranged, and you just have a stepfamily.
A lot of conversation around stepparents can pertain to how the children deal with the change. Suddenly having a new mother or father figure in one’s life – particularly an adolescent’s life – can feel very tumultuous. And since children are still developing and vulnerable, the attention almost has to be entirely on how they’re adjusting. So how the new stepparent can feel in all of it can get brushed aside. However, it’s an adjustment for them, too. Here are bumps in the road to expect as a new stepparent.
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“You’re not my real dad/mom”
Children may have respect for what their real parents say. They may not agree with it – but they won’t deny that their parents have the right to lay down some laws. They may also respect other adult authority figures in their lives like teachers and sports coaches. But stepparents? Not as much. If you are a stepparent who cares for your stepchildren and wants to guide them, you may find stepping into that role isn’t so easy. Research has found that the changing of the guards, so to speak, can be very stressful on families – particularly if the nuclear family that dissolved saw a lot of conflict and drama leading up to this change. Be ready to hear, “You’re not my real parent,” when trying to tell a stepchild what to do, as they may be generally suspicious of parental figures after their parents split up.
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Your love can’t be a priority
Generally, being newlyweds is supposed to be an exciting, hopeful, romantic, and even peaceful time in a couple’s life. Maybe you get to go on an actual honeymoon, and even after that, life feels like a honeymoon, when you’re filled with butterflies over this new union. But when marrying someone with children from a previous relationship, you may not feel that your new love gets the same attention that other couples get. Your partner already has a major priority in their life, and arguably a bigger love than you’ll ever be – their children. Escaping from the world for a honeymoon phase isn’t always an option when your partner has children to take care of. Experts on divorce have even said that children from a previous marriage can be a top cause of divorce, and can be very difficult on relationships. That’s not to say stepfamilies can’t overcome it – but it’s important to be aware of.
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Family friends can be complicated
Your partner had family friends with their previous partner. These may have been other couples with whom they shared carpool duties, hosted playdates for the children, went on family vacations, split an afterschool tutor with – you name it. They were part of a larger nucleus. Those family friends may have been specifically okay with the previous arrangement (read: spouse). That’s what they agreed to – family vacations with your spouse and their previous spouse. Not you. There can be some shifting of friend groups that may be hard on both your spouse, and their children, as the kids were used to a certain amount of time with those family friends’ kids, too. The kids may blame you for this.
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This isn’t your jurisdiction
Some areas just won’t be your jurisdiction. You won’t quite know what they are until you accidentally try to approach them. You’ll just have to get burned to know what you can’t touch again. In some families, you may find that stepparents are not to talk to the kids about sex or drugs – the biological parents feel that is fully their area. In some families, you may find stepparents aren’t supposed to talk to the kids about their religion if it varies from the kids’ biological parents’ religion. There will be times you try to parent kids on things like, eating their vegetables, and they’ll tell you that’s not your place – but it is. There will be other times they’ll say something isn’t your place, and your spouse will back that up. It can be uncomfortable, but it’s just a part of being in a blended family.
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Monetary and legal disputes
Even though stepparents are a big part of society at this point, the fact remains that the legalities surrounding step-relatives are still messy and unclear. Many of our legal systems favor biological family members in many situations, even when the stepparent is clearly the more responsible or even more ethical human being. This is all to say that money may come up, and it may be messy. Custody issues can come up. Any time it may seem like the obvious choice that monetary or legal protections would go to you, the stepparent, who may be more involved in the children’s lives than the real parent, you may be shocked to find that you don’t win.
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Who will care for you in old age?
The research from Pew Research referenced in the introduction found that adult children feel less of an obligation to care for their aging stepparents than they do for their biological parents. The study found that the feeling (or lack of feeling) is mutual, with stepparents feeling more obligated to care for their biological children than their stepchildren. If you do not have children of your own, what this can mean, later in life, is that your stepchildren don’t step up to the plate to make sure you’re looked after in your old age. It may be important to discuss your elderly care early, regarding things like retirement communities, nurses, and even power of attorney to make sure you are taken care of.
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Divorce and trauma
If you are taking on stepchildren, then that likely means you are taking on children of divorce. It may even mean taking on children who barely see the other parent any more, or not at all, as mandated by the courts. Research has found a correlation between parental separation in teens and depression later in life. Ultimately, you may be inheriting children who have trauma, and navigating this very sensitive situation can be difficult. It may bring even more complications than taking on children who come from a previously single parent, or who at least had a peaceful divorce. Going to therapy as a family can help with this transition, and help you understand your stepchildren’s trauma.
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It can feel like you or them
Sometimes, you may feel like your spouse’s other child. You can feel like you’re fighting for your spouse’s attention and your competition is her real children. Biological parents may not feel this as much, because when they choose to give their attention to their kids, they are working on a shared goal of rearing their offspring. In a way, they are tending to their relationship while prioritizing children. But as a stepparent, it can really feel like it’s you, or the kids. And you will often lose out because a good parent often puts their kids first.
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An upset ex
If the ex is still in the picture and cares about their children, they will likely have a lot of opinions on how you parent their kids. Between the rules you enforce in your home, to who you expose the kids to, to where you take the kids on weekends, to how much of an allowance you give the kids – their real parent will want to know, and may not like it. It’s messy, and there can be times when it feels like your voice is the least listened to. You can also feel that your efforts to raise the kids right are undermined when the ex comes around, and disagrees with what you’ve told the kids, in front of them.
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Upset grandparents
The children’s grandparents may not have dared tell the biological parents how to raise the kids. They may have given their opinions, but they likely feel that, ultimately, the biological parents have the greater jurisdiction there. They may not feel that way when it comes to you, the stepparent. They may see you as an outsider, coming in, and influencing their grandchildren – for better or for worse. So that could be yet another voice giving input on how you parent, and even trying to overrule you. In these cases, it can be up to your spouse to talk to their parents about respecting your role as a stepparent.
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