10 Actions People Say Are Normal But Are Actually Abusive

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Any time that social media engages in a collective discussion about what should and should not be classified as abuse, it always becomes painfully apparent that certain abusive acts have been normalized. Many tend to assume that if there are no black eyes, broken bones, or fists being thrown that abuse is not present.

Abuse can manifest in a variety of different ways. According to Reach Beyond Domestic Violence, the six types of domestic violence include physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal and emotional abuse, mental and psychological abuse, financial and economic abuse, and cultural abuse.

This week, discussions around the Saweetie and Quavo elevator incident unearthed a wealth of problematic mindsets in regard to what constitutes abuse. Countless tweets fired off by both women and men revealed how much we have normalized physical violence within romantic relationships.

To raise awareness, we thought it might be helpful to highlight abusive actions that have a tendency to be normalized. If we missed anything, feel free to mention it in the comments below.

Pulling or shoving

It doesn’t matter how heated an argument becomes, any form of pulling, pushing, or shoving falls beneath the umbrella of abuse. Physical abuse often begins with actions that some would deem “small” such as pushing, grabbing, or yanking. These actions tend to get progressively worse over time and escalate to more serious offenses such as slapping, kicking, and punching.

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Withholding resources

One form of abuse that is not discussed enough is financial abuse. As explained by Very Well Mind, “financial abuse involves controlling a victim’s ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources.” In these scenarios, the abuser may be the breadwinner of the family and withhold funds in order to make the victim comply with their wishes. In other cases, the victim may be employed but forced to turn over her earnings to her abuser. This form of abuse, which is often present in both physically and emotionally abusive relationships, presents a major obstacle when the victim attempts to exit the relationship.

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Blocking doors, exits, and pathways

Preventing someone from leaving a location by physically blocking an exit or pathway, taking their keys, or withholding their belongings is considered a form of physical abuse. There is nothing normal about taking actions to keep an adult at a location against their will. While we tend to recognize this in more extreme circumstances where a person is locked in a room or physically restrained, some of the other aforementioned actions are often downplayed or overlooked. All of it is abusive and should be recognized as such.

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Mushing or gesturing physically violent acts

A passionate or spirited argument is one thing, but there’s nothing passionate about a disagreement that becomes physical. Mushing someone in the head, gesturing violent acts with the intent of intimidating, punching walls or objects in close proximity to a person, and throwing objects in an attempt to incite fear are all considered forms of abuse. There is nothing normal about it and just because these acts don’t typically result in serious bodily injury, it doesn’t mean they’re not abusive.

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Berating and belittling

Verbal abuse is a very real thing and it occurs more often than we care to admit. Verbal abuse can manifest as threats of physical violence, humiliating tirades, name-calling, belittling, degrading comments, and screaming. While any healthy relationship can experience heated arguments from time to time, things tend to cross over into abusive territory when there is a clear imbalance of power and one party is fearful of the other. There are also scenarios when the berating and degrading is exchanged between partners. These relationships are also considered abusive.

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Hiding birth control and tampering with condoms

According to Women’s Law, reproductive abuse occurs “when a person tries to control your reproductive choices in order to control your life. Reproductive abuse is also often called ‘reproductive coercion.’ Coercion is when a person tries to persuade someone to do something by using force or threats. Reproductive abuse can be a single act, or it can be part of a larger pattern of abusive behaviors.” Tampering with condoms, hiding birth control, and removing condoms during sex with the intention of impregnating someone against their will are all considered forms of reproductive abuse.

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Threatening suicide if x,y,z

When a person regularly threatens suicide in order to keep their partners from leaving or going against their wishes, it can be considered a form of emotional abuse. As the National Domestic Violence Hotline explains, the person is “trying to manipulate you by playing on your feelings of love and fear for them.” The organization goes on to explain that “if your partner often says they’re going to kill themselves when things aren’t going their way, they’re not showing you love – they’re likely trying to control your actions.”

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Stalking, surveilling, and monitoring

The consistent stalking, surveilling, or monitoring of one partner by another can also be considered abuse. People who are intensely jealous and closely monitor their partner’s actions in an effort to control them are definitely abusive. This can manifest as digital monitoring by placing spy software on cell phones and computers, physically following a person, or confiscating their technological devices to see what they’ve been doing.

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The blame game

Abusers have a tendency to blame their victims for their actions. While we know that this is a common occurrence when it comes to physical abuse, this is also a red flag and can indicate that a relationship is emotionally or mentally abusive in nature. A person who berates and belittles their partner while blaming them for things that have nothing to do with them — such as a poor performance evaluation — is abusive.

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Tantrums and outbursts

In emotionally abusive relationships, abusers use extreme emotional outbursts as a means of controlling their partner and keeping them on eggshells. Over time, the victim learns to tread lightly and avoid certain actions in order to keep their abuser happy. However, people who use tantrums as a means of controlling their loved ones seldom stop. When they realize that their behavior is working, the tantrums become more outrageous and occur more frequently.