Things You Should Be Comfortable Discussing With Your Partner
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Does communicating in a relationship make you happier or do already happy couples just communicate better? Research has found a bit of both, so there’s no doubt there’s a link between opening up to your partner and feeling satisfied in a relationship. We can probably surmise why it isn’t a reliable, one-way transaction. Communicating in a relationship probably only makes couples feel good if they’re with someone who understands them, shows patience, and displays compassion. Otherwise, opening up can make a person feel rejected, judged, and hurt. As for the cases showing that it’s the already happy couples who are more likely to communicate openly, they’re probably already happy because they’ve received hints all along, through sharing about small things, that their partners will be receptive when they share about bigger things.
If you aren’t quite yet comfortable talking to a new-ish partner about some more personal matters, you can start small. You don’t need to tell someone you’ve been dating for three months your deepest, darkest secrets. However, ultimately, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, or are already in one, there are some things you should absolutely be able to talk to a partner about. If you feel you can’t, it’s worth asking yourself where that’s coming from and if this is the right relationship for you. Here are things you should be able to share with your partner.
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Your sexual health
If your partner is going to have access to your private parts, then he should be comfortable hearing about their health. This past year I had precancerous cells removed from my cervix, caused by HPV. I had to take an antibiotic, that I injected into my vagina, every night for five days before surgery. I had to have a painful biopsy at the start of it all, which found the precancerous cells. It was really important to me to be able to talk to my partner about all I was going through, from the severe cramping from the biopsy to the scary bleeding that went on for days after, to the nauseating smell of the antibiotic. I would have felt so alone if I couldn’t share that with my live-in partner. And if you have anything going on with your va-jay-jay health, you should be able to talk to your significant other about it, too.
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Your sexual needs
Maybe your partner doesn’t spend enough time on foreplay. Maybe he thrusts too fast during sex. Maybe you need more lubricant because you don’t get naturally lubricated enough to enjoy sex. Maybe you just can’t finish from intercourse. These are all things you should be able to tell a partner without fearing that he’ll take it personally, point fingers at you, or punish you by withholding sex. Any mature man understands it’s just generally easier for men to climax, and that they should care about taking extra steps to help a partner get there.
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(Some of) your past
You don’t need to (and probably shouldn’t) tell your current partner details about your sex life with a past partner. However, you should be able to discuss the existence of exes, and your dating life before this partner, without it triggering a fight. Simply stating that you’d been to a certain destination with an ex should not ruin the afternoon. Unfortunately, for some couples it does, because jealousy and possessiveness run so high that even the reminder that a partner had a life before this relationship causes issues. That is very unhealthy though, and it’s just not sustainable. How are you going to spend a lifetime with someone if you can never talk about the years before you met him?
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Your budgeting goals
Finances are extremely important. Shame, pride, or shyness around this topic can lead a person into financial ruin. You shouldn’t be agreeing to the expensive trips and date nights that your partner suggests, but you both pay for, if you can’t afford them, all because you’re afraid to tell him that. If spending a lot on rent isn’t in your plan right now because you want to save for a down payment on a home, you should be able to say that. Finances impact your happiness, your wellbeing, and your lifestyle, and you must get comfortable discussing them with a long-term partner.
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Your triggers
Ideally, before entering into a relationship, you first do extensive personal work to make sure you have an understanding of and handle on your triggers. Some triggers may never go away entirely, but it’s important to get to a place with your mental health where your triggers don’t drive you to do destructive things, like say nasty things, become violent, and do impulsive and dangerous things. But once you’ve met with a therapist and gotten a handle on these, if they are still there to some degree, it’s important to be able to tell a partner about them. It will make everything easier for the both of you.
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Your insecurities
Insecurities, like triggers, are things we must take responsibility for. We can’t just ask others to walk on eggshells because we refuse to do any personal work. But insecurities, like triggers, may always exist to some degree, even after we’ve sought professional help and done our work. With that in mind, it’s important your partner knows what those are for you so he can be sensitive to some degree. He can’t protect you from everything all of the time, but he can make smart decisions so he doesn’t do something unnecessary to bring about your self-doubts. For example, if you’d feel insecure if he stayed out extremely late with a female friend and didn’t call once that night, he should know that. He can, in response, just not do that.
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Your alone time needs
It is not only okay but actually very good to have alone time, even when in a relationship. Maybe for you that means one hour a day to meditate, journal, and practice other forms of self-care. Maybe you take Sunday mornings to go to church alone. Maybe you like to do a solo road trip once a year. And even on a case-by-case basis, maybe when certain types of events – like upsetting situations – happen, you could be the type of person who needs to sit quietly alone to process them. You should be able to communicate those needs to a partner without fear that he’ll become insecure or take it personally.
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Feedback
Both you and your partner should feel comfortable giving one another feedback. If you don’t like a certain tone of voice a partner uses when talking to you about some topics, you can say that. If you just wish he’d stop leaving towels on the floor, you can say that. If you feel like maybe some of his friends are negative influences on him, you should be able to say that. Your partner doesn’t have to take all of your feedback, but the simple act of giving it shouldn’t start a war. You should feel safe to give this opinion and know the conversation that comes after can be peaceful and productive rather than combative.
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Sleep needs
Sleep is so important. Compromising this for a relationship is child’s play. My husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms and it was the greatest choice we ever made. We are both extremely light sleepers who would wake to the sound of a pin dropping, or a sheet barely moving above our ankles. Our quality of sleep, and therefore our quality of life, was very poor when we used to share a room, and we shared one because it’s “what you do.” Screw that. If you need to have separate blankets, use a white noise machine, not spoon while trying to sleep, you must be able to say that.
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Where things are going
Finally, you should be able to discuss where your relationship is headed. Any man who respects you will respond maturely, and kindly, when you bring this up. He shouldn’t make you feel that you’re pressuring him or rushing things by simply wondering if you have the same goals for your romantic relationship. You only have one life to live, and don’t need to waste years on a man who doesn’t respect your time and makes you feel bad for asking that he does. Wherever you’re at – dating and living together, dating and living separately, living together for a long time now – you should always be able to do check-ins about the future of the relationship.
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