How To Compromise In Relationships Without Compromising Yourself - Page 6

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Compromise is one of those words that can either have very positive associations, or very negative ones. It all really depends on what place compromise has held in your life. Ultimately, the goal is to reach a healthy middle ground, but many individuals have to swing too far to one way, or the other, or both, before they get there, and that can leave them with some negative feelings around trade-offs in relationships. Compromising too much can feel like being treated like a doormat, being taken advantage of, being underappreciated, or experiencing the bad end of a one-way relationship. Failure to compromise can mean you’re the one treating someone else like a doormat, underappreciating somebody else, and enjoying a one-way relationship in which all affection and favors go your way.

Compromising in a way that still makes you feel that your needs are met, that you’re respected, and that you can be yourself is actually rather tricky. It is easiest to stubbornly stick to one extreme – always compromising, or never compromising. At least then you don’t need to navigate the gray areas in between. But that’s where happiness and healthy relationships live. So we decided to speak to an expert about how to compromise in relationships without jeopardizing your mental health. Rainie Howard, author of You Are Enough gave us insight about this topic.

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How to know a compromise goes too far

“Compromising becomes an issue when it leads to you feeling depressed or stressed or traumatized,” Howard explains. The idea behind healthy compromise is that you will receive so much more than you give when you do it. If the compromise contributes to growing feelings of positivity, support, connectedness, and love in a relationship, then it’s likely worth it. But if it moves you away from those feelings into feeling unloved or unsupported, that’s not good. “Compromising is done right when your values are honored and respected,” she adds. You don’t need to rationalize yourself into making compromises that don’t make you feel that way.

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Where is this boundary coming from?

When someone sets a boundary in a relationship, it’s important to ask if it’s coming from a healthy place or, possibly, from some unresolved issues that that person is now projecting onto their partner. I gave Howard the example of my friend whose boyfriend set the boundary of her not hanging out with her male friends when he’s not present. Howard said of that example, “Get to the root of what’s behind a compromise. Maybe that was a jealousy issue. Maybe that’s him thinking of himself and how he is with other women – he’s projecting that onto the men she’s hanging around. Is this compromise coming from the partner’s insecurity? Their needs to be validated? Is it coming from a trust issue?”

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Can you still be you?

When others ask us to compromise in some way for the relationship, it’s important to check in with ourselves and ask if this compromise is in direct conflict with our genuine selves. If it is, then maybe you’re not with the right match. “Sometimes the compromise is a sign this isn’t the relationship for you, like if the compromise takes away from being who you are.  A lot of times people want to try to force a relationship when there are so many signs that this person isn’t really compatible with them,” Howard says. “It shouldn’t be that difficult for your partner to accept you for who you are.”

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The privacy dilemma

We discussed the boundary of privacy, and that some partners may ask you to agree to not tell outsiders what goes on inside of your relationship. Howard says it’s a common boundary. “They don’t want to have all of these people in their marriage…voicing their opinions,” she says. Whether or not it’s healthy or fair is really a case-by-case thing. But if you are used to talking about friends and family about your relationship, and that’s even a way you feel close to them, this boundary can feel isolating for you. It can make you feel like you can’t be yourself.

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Is it about privacy or…shame?

Unfortunately, when someone asks that what happens in the relationship stay in the relationship, sometimes it can be a warning sign. “Whenever you’re dealing with something that is toxic…where you’re feeling depressed…and you’re used to being able to talk to your family and friends, but now you feel isolated and stuck, that can be toxic. That can bring up some red flags,” Howard says. “You want to say, ‘I’m compromising,’ but now you’re not feeling free. You should feel freedom in your relationship. You should be able to be yourself. That should mean you should be free to visit with your family and friends and have loving, fun relationships outside of that romantic relationship you have with that person.”

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You can still have a single identity

While being a caring partner does mean considering another’s feelings when you make decisions, don’t let that slide into a place of losing your individual identity. For many, “that new relationship replaces them as an individual or a single person. So now that you’re not single, everything revolves around this other person. NO! You still need a life and your connection with you,” Howard says. “If you’re lacking that, that’s going to impact your relationship as a whole. The relationship you have with yourself is always going to impact other relationships. That relationship with yourself will help you have boundaries and know how to compromise in a healthy way.”

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Are you people-pleasing?

If you’re a people-pleaser, you may have lost the ability to determine when a compromise that is asked of you is fair and healthy. If your priority is to make others happy, you likely won’t ask yourself if the compromise is fair. Howard says she has a friend who has a hard time saying “No” when she wants to leave, or just go to sleep, but her partner wants her around. The risk there is she allows others to deplete her.

“That comes from the people-pleasing syndrome. People pleasers want to meet others’ needs so much they’re willing to ignore their own needs, and deplete themselves completely,” she says. For people-pleasers, alone time is so important. “That me-time teaches you how to appreciate yourself, value your time, and value your inner voice that says ‘I’m tired. I need a break,’” Howard adds. “A lot of women struggle with that at times.”

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Sacrificing self-care leads to codependency

“Make sure you prioritize yourself,” Howard advises. For her, first thing in the morning, she meditates, exercises, and journals. As she puts it, she “Feels herself: mind, body, and spirit” and then she faces the world. “If you face the world empty, you become needy. Then you look for fulfillment in others and look for others to fill your cup. But that’s not their job. Then you ignore warning signs of a toxic relationship. You keep ignoring that because you are so empty. Then just the little bit you get from that other person is feeding you. You become desperately connected to a toxic relationship. Then it’s hard for you to break away. You can’t see life without it,” she says.

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Know yourself to know your limits

One of the very important reasons one should do their personal work before getting into relationships is so they can know what their healthy boundaries are. Those are boundaries that aren’t linked to pain or trauma. After working through pain and trauma, you can identify which boundaries for you are healthy and fair. From there, you can identify the right partner for you, and you can stop questioning if your needs are “okay.” You’ve done your work. You know they’re okay. Howard says when you’ve focused on self-care, you can get to a point of saying to a partner, “This is who I am. If you have a problem with that…this might not be the relationship for me.”