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Our minds and hearts are very rarely on the same timeline, especially when it comes to anything that’s emotionally difficult. Your brain can usually grasp the reality of a situation long before your heart catches up in its reactions. You witness this all of the time after breakups. You make the decision to break up with someone because your mind has determined this person is wrong for you. Your mind sees that the person isn’t honest, isn’t committed, isn’t kind – whatever the issue is. But then why, after making such a clearly good decision, do you feel so bad for weeks or even months after? Because your heart takes a long time to catch up. If your inner workings were an office, let’s just say the brain is very slow on sending memos to the heart. The two must still be operating on a fax or dial-up system.
This same mind-heart delay can occur when somebody wrongs you, but they apologize. You may understand with your brain where the person was coming from. You may be able to even logically see how you might have done the same thing in their shoes. You know, with your mind, that they understand what they did wrong, and that they genuinely hurt at the idea that they hurt you. You get all that. But your heart is still hurt, like the little red-faced, angry emoji. It’s not ready to let the incident go, though you know in your mind that you need to. It can be confusing when you don’t think you should still be mad, but you still feel mad as hell. Here are signs you’re not ready to accept an apology and just want to be mad.
You’re picking holes in the apology
When this person approaches you with their apology, you’ve already decided that there is no apology that could possibly be thorough enough. You’re looking at this as if you’re a prosecuting attorney whose entire job it is to pick holes in the defense’s argument. You aren’t even listening to the right and good things this person says. You just have on high-definition glasses that spot the holes in the argument. You are looking for any teeny, tiny thing they may have failed to acknowledge or apologize for. When you find that thing, it is the only thing you’ll be responding to. They don’t get any credit for the good parts of the apology. If their apology was 99 percent there, you’re just mad about the one percent they got wrong.
You’re bringing up other mistakes
You’ve already made a list of all of the other things this person has done wrong. As a backup plan, in case they do nail the apology for this particular incident, you have compiled a detailed account of every other way they’ve ever wronged you. This person doesn’t stand a chance. They are approaching you, thinking they’ll say the perfect thing to get out of trouble on this thing. Little do they know you’re about to open a long scroll of paper and detail what they did wrong on February 12 of 2019, and your birthday in 2015, and that one vacation you two took in 2013. You will drown them in a log of mistakes they didn’t even know you were keeping track of.
You’re only telling parts of the story
You’re telling anyone who will listen what this person did wrong to you. There’s just one issue: you’re not telling the full story. You’re leaving out parts. There might be things you did wrong, too. Ultimately, this person did the worst thing, but you know you played some part in fueling the conflict. When you tell the story of how this person wronged you, you leave out any detail that could incriminate you. You are the picture of kindness, grace, patience, and perfection in the way you recount the story. You almost begin to believe your own version of the story, feeling even more justified in your persisting anger.
You’re exaggerating what happened
You’re also exaggerating what happened – both in your head and in the story you tell others. If a friend flirted with your boyfriend, you say she was carrying on something of an emotional affair with him. If a friend gave you constructive but unsolicited feedback on your work, you say that she basically called your work garbage. If you generally give more than you get from the friendship, you say that this friend has never been there for you in any way or done any favor for you. Ever. (You know that’s not true or else you wouldn’t have carried on the friendship).
You’re enjoying their misery
You are enjoying watching this friend suffer. She made you suffer in some way, and now you think it’s only fair that she suffers. Perhaps you think it’s only right that she suffers as much as you did, so you will forgive her once you feel she has suffered as much as you did. You’re overlooking the fact that, to show mercy means to allow someone to escape their due punishment. It actually means not punishing somebody. But, you’re pretty focused on getting even in some way. And you get a little thrill when this person leaves you five voice messages, crying, all of which you don’t respond to. You feel like you’re winning something.
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You ignore but you don’t block
You say you don’t want to hear them out but, you do. Over and over again. You give them an opening to speak their piece, and then slam the door in their face. One example is you answer the phone, only to tell them never to call again, and hang up. Then when they call back, you answer again and go through this over and over again. You tell them to stop DMing you, and that you won’t read their messages. But you read each one, and reply saying, “I’m not reading these.” If you really wanted out of the situation, you’d block their phone number, and all of their social media handles. But you do enjoy receiving the groveling messages.
You’re announcing your virtues
You’re really enjoying not just telling others how much your friend messed up, but also giving examples of times you were put in the same situation, and you handled it much better. This mistake your friend made really just set the stage for you to boast about how you have handled the same situation with absolute precision in the past. It’s basically allowing you to humblebrag. So if, for example, you feel your friend flirted with your boyfriend, you talk about how another friend’s boyfriend once flirted with you. You immediately shut him down, gave him an impressive speech about morality, and reported him to his girlfriend. You love to tell this story.
You’re enjoying the pity
You are enjoying the pity that people are giving you while you say that you are hurt by what your friend did. And you can only claim you’re still hurt if you’re still mad. If you forgive the friend, your pity party will come to an end. Once you’ve forgiven them, there isn’t much of a reason to be retelling the story to everyone and claiming that you’re in a terrible place emotionally because of what somebody did. Imagine if you still tried to gain that pity and word got out that you’d already accepted the apology. You’d look ridiculous. So you don’t accept it.
You’re taunting her on social media
You’re being very intentional in your social media posts to hurt this friend. You’re planning, for example, a replica of a girls’ night you had a few months ago with her…but this time, without her. It’s the same group of girls, going to the same spa, and then ordering the same takeout, and watching the same show on your couch minus her. You’re posting to your Instagram story about it like it’s your job. You’re using tags like “best friends” or “my real crew.” You know she’s watching. You want her to feel like her mistake has gotten her blacklisted from the group.
You’re making passive-aggressive posts
You’re also posting passive-aggressive rants on social media that are clearly about this person. You’re sharing long “hypothetical” scenarios that very much resemble what happened with you and your friend. You’re again exaggerating her mistakes. Then you’re throwing it to the Facebook community, asking them what they think, or who they think is wrong in the situation. You’ve worded the story in such a way that people will obviously take your side. Again, you haven’t blocked the friend you’re mad at because you want her to see these posts. And you know if she tries to defend herself in your comments, she’ll get attacked.
