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A drama-free life is (probably) what most of us want, right? We don’t want to hurt the feelings of our loved ones. We don’t want to ruffle feathers when it isn’t necessary. We want to be as honest as possible, since keeping track of lies is exhausting. However, we also don’t think we have to share every single thing that happens to us with the romantic partner in our life.
Most of us can probably agree that sleeping with someone who is not your identified monogamous partner counts as cheating. For many, it’s grounds for a divorce or a breakup. Many also agree that fooling around (oral, hand jobs, etc.) also counts as cheating and is an offense punishable by being cut off by your partner. When it comes to kissing someone who isn’t your partner, again, nobody thinks it’s a good thing, but just how “bad” it is and how it should be dealt with after being revealed is something people might disagree on. So when you’re already in a place where a physical indiscretion like a kiss is a gray area, by the time you get to emotional infidelity, there are so many grey areas it’s like you’re operating in a fog. Here are some instances that get really tricky.
Unrequited flirting
Sometimes you have those people in your life who always flirt with you. This could be a neighbor, a co-worker, a male friend (but is he just a friend if he flirts?), or even someone online. You don’t encourage this at all. You do not say anything or do anything that would indicate that you want this flirtation. And you certainly do not flirt back when it happens. However, you also don’t go out of your way to put a stop to it. You don’t want to cause drama. You fear that you’ll be accused of being “uptight” or “full of yourself” if you call out what’s happening or mention that you’re in a relationship, so you say nothing. At the same time, if your partner were to find out that A) the flirting was taking place and B) you never stepped in to put a stop to it, he might be hurt. Wouldn’t you be if the tables were turned?
You don’t disclose who’s on the guest list
You’re attending an event where you know a problematic person will also be. This could be a co-worker who has hit on you in the past and who upset your partner. This could be an ex, or someone you dated briefly in the past. In general, there is some sensitivity on your partner’s end when it comes to this individual – you could even say some jealousy. Now you’re attending an event, without your partner, and you know the problematic person will be there, but you don’t tell them. Or, you only find out once you arrive that the person is there, but you don’t tell your partner about it after. You don’t want to cause any issues.
You feel a connection
Sometimes you feel a connection with someone who is not your partner. Some might say that if you’re able to feel that with someone outside of your relationship, then you’re in the wrong relationship. You will have to figure that out later, but for now, you have met someone with whom you feel that spark. Honestly, in a parallel universe, you could see yourself being with this person. You actually work very hard to behave completely platonic around this person, because you already feel guilty about this spark. Nonetheless, you continue to see them “as a friend.” You could easily see yourself having more with them and keep them around because you like them, but that’s as far as it has gone.
Confessed feelings
So a friend, co-worker, member of your gym – whomever – confessed their feelings for you. He laid it out there, telling you he’s into you, and if you weren’t with your partner, he’d try to get with you. You don’t feel the same way, and because you still want to or need to be around this person because you work with them, have common friends, or want to continue going to your gym, you decide not to tell your partner about this confession. You know it will just upset him. And you think it’s innocent because, again, you aren’t going to cross any lines. But again, you have to ask yourself here how you would feel if the tables were turned.
Confiding in someone else
There might be some things you would rather discuss with a best friend, family member, or even a therapist than with your partner. Depending on the subject matter and the type of advice needed, it’s understandable that you won’t always talk to your significant other about everything. However, if there is someone who meets some of the other qualifications on this list – like someone you feel a spark with, or someone who flirts with you – and knowing this, you confide in that person instead of your partner, there’s a sense of betrayal happening there. You should also ask yourself what it says about your relationship if you don’t feel like you can confide in your mate about personal matters but can take them to others.
You don’t mention you’re taken
It can be hard to determine the right time to mention that you’re taken. When you, for example, hit the town with single friends as a wing-woman, and you meet a group of guys, when do you mention you aren’t on the market? You want your single friend to have a shot at meeting someone, and you fear that if you say you’re taken too early, the whole group of guys will move onto other women. Then you’d feel like you screwed over your friends. On the other hand, if you wait too long, you can find yourself two hours into hanging out with a guy at a bar who obviously thinks he has a shot with you. And if your partner saw that, he’d say that was all of your own doing.
Tolerating harassment
This situation can be incredibly frustrating because you find yourself wanting to protect the feelings of others, but ultimately you’re the one being hurt the most. Sometimes a co-worker, boss, client, or someone else with whom a power hierarchy exists is subtly harassing you. They make comments that cross the line. You put up with it because you don’t want to lose your job, or lose a client. Meanwhile, you feel you’re betraying your partner by not putting a stop to it. So you’re protecting the feelings of, if we’re being honest, an a**hole (the person crossing the line), instead of protecting your partner’s feelings or even your own. It’s a difficult spot to be in.
Venting to another about your partner
If you’re upset about something going on in your relationship, from time to time, you probably want to talk to someone who isn’t your partner about that. You should, of course, speak to him to work things out, but you may also want to vent to a friend or get some input from an outsider. That’s fine…until that outsider is someone inappropriate. Maybe it’s that male friend who confessed feelings for you. Maybe it’s a male co-worker who hasn’t admitted he likes you, but who probably does – and who your partner gets jealous of them. Maybe it’s an ex. Even if your intentions with these individuals is innocent, you have to think about how your partner would feel knowing that’s who you chose to complain about them to.
Erasing messages
So someone sends you messages that you know would upset your partner. Maybe they are explicit in nature. Maybe they aren’t explicit in nature, but rather a “Hi, how are you?” The thing is, that innocent “Hi how are you?” message came from a person who your partner has felt threatened by. This is someone about whom your partner has expressed concerns. You really don’t think there is anything to worry about there, but you know if your partner so much as saw that person’s name pop up on your phone, he’d be upset. So you just erase the messages. It’s a weird and icky feeling because the moment you delete the messages, you do feel that you’ve been dishonest in some way.
Getting attention elsewhere
You don’t want to be with anyone besides your partner, but you like attention. So you post photos or videos on your social media platforms that draw in inappropriate comments and even DMs from other people – some who want to hook up with you. You like the attention, so you continue to post this content. Maybe you do it under the excuse of, “I have to for my work” or “I’m building my brand.” Say, for example, you’re a chef and writer and you post videos cooking in a revealing outfit “to promote your book” and those creepy DMs roll in. Again, you’d never sleep with any of these people, but you are also knowingly welcoming the attention because you enjoy it.
