Things Men Got Away With In The Past That Are Not OK In The Present
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In the year following Harvey Weinstein being sent to jail, legal cases regarding allegations of sexual harassment skyrocketed, seeing a more than 50 percent increase compared to 2017. But the reality is that sexual harassment has been going strong for as long as the sexes have existed. The only thing that changed after Weinstein went to jail was that victims finally felt that the world cared, and if they said something, they might actually be heard and something could be done about it. The surge in filings in 2018 only showed us how many people had remained silent until then.
I was watching an episode of Cheers recently, and it was the episode when one of Rebecca Howe’s bosses at corporate asks her to dinner and she doesn’t know what to do. She spends the entire episode coming up with excuses, making up a boyfriend who doesn’t exist, and finding every possible lie to get out of it. But the moment the proposition is out there – the moment the boss expresses sexual interest in Rebecca – the problem becomes hers. The idea was that once a man in power expresses interest in a woman, she’s screwed, and her career fate is in the hands of that man. It seems crazy in today’s world to think that the woman wouldn’t just march to HR and file a complaint. But then again, this was many years ago, and many of us can probably say that, before the #MeToo movement, we tolerated behaviors because we either didn’t know they were wrong, didn’t want the trouble that could come with speaking up, or didn’t feel it was serious enough to do anything about. Looking back, here are some things you may experienced with men that you may have let go of then, but wouldn’t keep quiet about now.
Source: Jose De Lago / EyeEm / Getty
Ignoring your physical cues
I met one guy on a dating app when I was single. On our second date, we had several drinks at a small party at his house and wound up making out in his room. He kept trying to shove his hand down my pants, and I’d quickly pull it out. He tried over and over again. He was a lot stronger than me, so it started to make me uncomfortable. But also, some part of me thought, “Well, guys will take their shots. That’s just what they do,” and I continued making out with him, even though that unwanted advance kept occurring. Looking back, I realize how incredibly not okay it was that he ignored my very obvious physical cue of removing his hand from my pants. Not only had I not expressed interest in taking things to the next level with him, I’d expressed, physically, a blatant desire to not go there, but he kept trying anyway.
- Lenny Kravitz Maintains Rock God Status With Bubble Bath Thirst Trap And A Phone Call From Denzel Washington During Performance
- Georgia Judge Prohibits Tiffany Haddish From Drinking And Ingesting Illegal Substances
- Nia Long Isn’t Happy With How The Boston Celtics Handled Ime Udoka’s Cheating Scandal
- Tyler Perry And Byron Allen Are In Talks To Acquire BET From Paramount
- Sonya Massey’s Family Accuse Police Of An Attempted Cover-Up After Shooting
Source: PeopleImages / Getty
Pressure for sex
This is another thing I overlooked. I went out with so many guys who would make me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex early on. They wouldn’t physically pressure me, but they would emotionally do so. They would essentially throw tantrums. We’d be hanging out, we’d start making out, and when I said I wanted to take things slow, their entire attitude towards me would change. They’d move to the other side of the room, start doing something on their phone, and completely ignore me. They’d say things like, “You’re obviously not interested in me so what are we doing here?” If they didn’t get exactly what they wanted, they made me feel guilty. Looking back, I realize that was not okay.
- Lenny Kravitz Maintains Rock God Status With Bubble Bath Thirst Trap And A Phone Call From Denzel Washington During Performance
- Georgia Judge Prohibits Tiffany Haddish From Drinking And Ingesting Illegal Substances
- Nia Long Isn’t Happy With How The Boston Celtics Handled Ime Udoka’s Cheating Scandal
- Tyler Perry And Byron Allen Are In Talks To Acquire BET From Paramount
- Sonya Massey’s Family Accuse Police Of An Attempted Cover-Up After Shooting
Source: Adene Sanchez / Getty
Slipping it in
This one is really awful and, unfortunately, probably something many women have experienced. No man should ever put his private parts inside of you without clear consent. But back in the day, a lot of guys interpreted the fact that you were already fooling around in other ways (non-penetrative sex) as consent. As a woman, when that moment occurs, it is confusing and shocking. You were aroused, and you were enjoying yourself, and then just like that, you were violated. It’s one of those particularly subtle types of assault and was easy to overlook in the days when nobody talked about these things. But now we know: just because you’re willing to take things to one level with a man (kissing, fooling around, etc.) doesn’t mean he has permission to take things all the way.
- Lenny Kravitz Maintains Rock God Status With Bubble Bath Thirst Trap And A Phone Call From Denzel Washington During Performance
- Georgia Judge Prohibits Tiffany Haddish From Drinking And Ingesting Illegal Substances
- Nia Long Isn’t Happy With How The Boston Celtics Handled Ime Udoka’s Cheating Scandal
- Tyler Perry And Byron Allen Are In Talks To Acquire BET From Paramount
- Sonya Massey’s Family Accuse Police Of An Attempted Cover-Up After Shooting
Source: Westend61 / Getty
Sending an unsolicited photo
I’ll never forget the sticky feeling I had on my skin the first time a guy sent me a d–k pic I hadn’t asked for. It turns out I was not alone. One survey found that more than half of women between the ages of 18 to 29 have received unsolicited sexual images. The official term for it is “cyber flashing,” and it’s an appropriate term, considering that flashing in real life is called indecent exposure and is punishable by law. Cyber flashing should be, too. In fact, Texas made it illegal and many other states are considering following suit. But when I was in my early twenties a decade ago, I was the victim of cyber flashing. I felt traumatized, but because I hadn’t been physically harmed in any way, I also felt like there wasn’t anything for me to report.
- Lenny Kravitz Maintains Rock God Status With Bubble Bath Thirst Trap And A Phone Call From Denzel Washington During Performance
- Georgia Judge Prohibits Tiffany Haddish From Drinking And Ingesting Illegal Substances
- Nia Long Isn’t Happy With How The Boston Celtics Handled Ime Udoka’s Cheating Scandal
- Tyler Perry And Byron Allen Are In Talks To Acquire BET From Paramount
- Sonya Massey’s Family Accuse Police Of An Attempted Cover-Up After Shooting
Source: Peter Dazeley / Getty
Making a fuss about showing STD results
The CDC recommends that all sexually active women under the age of 25 get tested every year, as well as women over that age with multiple sexual partners (we won’t even discuss the fact that the onus falls entirely on women under those guidelines…). Are you keeping up with that testing? Are your sexual partners being tested regularly? If you’re like a lot of women, you may have learned something early on: men don’t like being asked if they’ve been tested. They certainly don’t like being asked to go get tested or to show their test results. A lot of them will be insulted, will accuse you of not trusting them, and will even accuse you of suggesting they’re dirty, all because you asked for proof that they don’t have a sexually transmitted disease before engaging in intercourse. I encountered a handful of men like that in my early twenties. I was smart enough to think their reaction and accusations were manipulative, but I didn’t yet have the sensibility to realize they were bad guys. A good man will do whatever it takes to A) protect the health of the woman who sleeps with him and B) make her feel comfortable that her health is not at risk. Those are the priorities of a good man – not to get out of using a condom or getting tested because he “doesn’t feel like it.”
- Lenny Kravitz Maintains Rock God Status With Bubble Bath Thirst Trap And A Phone Call From Denzel Washington During Performance
- Georgia Judge Prohibits Tiffany Haddish From Drinking And Ingesting Illegal Substances
- Nia Long Isn’t Happy With How The Boston Celtics Handled Ime Udoka’s Cheating Scandal
- Tyler Perry And Byron Allen Are In Talks To Acquire BET From Paramount
- Sonya Massey’s Family Accuse Police Of An Attempted Cover-Up After Shooting
Source: Khuruchon Chanthanyakorn / EyeEm / Getty
Making you feel bad about condom requests
Speaking of condom guilt, I used to think that was so normal. I thought, “Boys will be boys,” and that of course men will try to get out of using condoms. I was right about something – those were boys and not men who behaved like that. “It doesn’t feel as good” is no excuse to put a woman at risk of a sexually transmitted disease or unwanted pregnancy. But, truth be told, I didn’t condemn these guys. In fact, I slept with some on a repeat basis, never realizing that I should have ditched them the moment they gave me any pushback on condoms.
- Lenny Kravitz Maintains Rock God Status With Bubble Bath Thirst Trap And A Phone Call From Denzel Washington During Performance
- Georgia Judge Prohibits Tiffany Haddish From Drinking And Ingesting Illegal Substances
- Nia Long Isn’t Happy With How The Boston Celtics Handled Ime Udoka’s Cheating Scandal
- Tyler Perry And Byron Allen Are In Talks To Acquire BET From Paramount
- Sonya Massey’s Family Accuse Police Of An Attempted Cover-Up After Shooting
Source: PeterPencil / Getty
Not taking “No” for an answer right away
That’s all it should take is just one “No.” For example, “No” I don’t want to go out with you. “No” I don’t want to kiss you. “No” I don’t want to fool around yet. Whatever the request, if the answer was “No,” the request should have stopped then and there. But we were almost primed from girlhood to believe that it was common practice for men to go on the chase and not give up so easily. The culture was that male sexual drive was allowed to exist uninhibited and that we just had to deal with it, even if dealing with it was exhausting. I see clearly now that any man who doesn’t take the first “No” doesn’t deserve your time.
- Lenny Kravitz Maintains Rock God Status With Bubble Bath Thirst Trap And A Phone Call From Denzel Washington During Performance
- Georgia Judge Prohibits Tiffany Haddish From Drinking And Ingesting Illegal Substances
- Nia Long Isn’t Happy With How The Boston Celtics Handled Ime Udoka’s Cheating Scandal
- Tyler Perry And Byron Allen Are In Talks To Acquire BET From Paramount
- Sonya Massey’s Family Accuse Police Of An Attempted Cover-Up After Shooting
Source: Yuri_Arcurs / Getty
Creepy comments from bosses
In college I worked at a restaurant as a hostess. The manager invited everyone to his house for drinks one night. Looking back, that may have already crossed a line. After we’d all had many drinks, he started telling me stories of his sexual escapades in detail, as well as asking if I’d had similar experiences. I didn’t share my encounters, but now I realize how incredibly inappropriate it was that he shared his with me. I should have reported him to the restaurant owner. The next day at work I was a little cold towards him and he made fun of me, saying, “What’s wrong? Can’t handle a little grownup story?” I felt pressured to laugh and say in response that nothing was wrong.
- Lenny Kravitz Maintains Rock God Status With Bubble Bath Thirst Trap And A Phone Call From Denzel Washington During Performance
- Georgia Judge Prohibits Tiffany Haddish From Drinking And Ingesting Illegal Substances
- Nia Long Isn’t Happy With How The Boston Celtics Handled Ime Udoka’s Cheating Scandal
- Tyler Perry And Byron Allen Are In Talks To Acquire BET From Paramount
- Sonya Massey’s Family Accuse Police Of An Attempted Cover-Up After Shooting
Source: Connor Mclean / EyeEm / Getty
Pressuring you to drink more
This one is really disgusting, and possibly one of the most accepted inappropriate behaviors of yesteryear. The pressure was so high to drink, and keep drinking. And it was done in the spirit of “We’re all just having fun!” But what would happen the moment you were drunk (by their design) is that they would start making moves on you. And you would not physically be in a place to resist them, the way you would if you were sober. It was all blurred lines then that I now see very clearly. Not only should sexual advances never be made without consent, but pressuring someone to do something that will lower their inhibitions, such as excessive drinking, is also not okay.
- Lenny Kravitz Maintains Rock God Status With Bubble Bath Thirst Trap And A Phone Call From Denzel Washington During Performance
- Georgia Judge Prohibits Tiffany Haddish From Drinking And Ingesting Illegal Substances
- Nia Long Isn’t Happy With How The Boston Celtics Handled Ime Udoka’s Cheating Scandal
- Tyler Perry And Byron Allen Are In Talks To Acquire BET From Paramount
- Sonya Massey’s Family Accuse Police Of An Attempted Cover-Up After Shooting
Source: ljubaphoto / Getty
Inviting you somewhere under false pretenses
I can’t count the number of coffee or lunch dates I went on with guys who said they wanted to hear more about my work, or see if we could collaborate, or wanted to pick my brain about our industry that turned out to be real dates. But that’s not what I’d said yes to. Only when the conversation went everywhere besides work, and particularly towards flirty comments, did I realize I’d been tricked. Afterward, I felt dumb. I felt like I should have seen that coming. That was, again, the sensibility that “boys will be boys” and we just have to prepare for that/fight that off. I should have said, firmly, “You brought me here under false pretenses” and left. Instead, I politely endured a date I didn’t agree to go on.
- Lenny Kravitz Maintains Rock God Status With Bubble Bath Thirst Trap And A Phone Call From Denzel Washington During Performance
- Georgia Judge Prohibits Tiffany Haddish From Drinking And Ingesting Illegal Substances
- Nia Long Isn’t Happy With How The Boston Celtics Handled Ime Udoka’s Cheating Scandal
- Tyler Perry And Byron Allen Are In Talks To Acquire BET From Paramount
- Sonya Massey’s Family Accuse Police Of An Attempted Cover-Up After Shooting
