How To Deal With Difficult Neighbors, According To A Conflict Expert

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Tips for deescalating it

In some cases, you may have no choice but to approach the neighbors yourself. If you think they may be the type who won’t respond in kind, it’s very important to take these tips from Peterman. “It depends on how we are defining retaliate and the nature of the issue. If you have weighed all of your options and have decided that you still want to approach your neighbor to discuss the issue that is bothering you, then you should consider three steps: 1) separate the person from the problem, 2) identify positions and interests, and 3) look for shared interests,” she says.

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How to remove emotions

Anyone can become defensive when they feel the complaint is an attack on their character, but there are ways to avoid that. “Separating the person from the problem means that it is a certain behavior or action that is impacting you not the person. In other words, it’s not personal,” Peterman says. “For example, you may like your neighbor as a person, but you do not like stepping over fallen trash because they did not completely empty the trash bins. In this scenario, the problem is the unsightly and smelly trash, not the neighbor. When you speak to them, try to frame the issue around the problem and not make it about the person.”

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Understand that they may not know they’re creating a problem

Remember there is a chance that your neighbor doesn’t even realize their behavior is affecting you. “If you think the neighbor is unaware of the situation and how it is impacting you, then that insight should inform your approach,” Petermen states. “Perhaps you approach the conversation by saying exactly that ‘You may not know this is going on, but every time that you play loud music at 2 a.m. I can hear it throughout my apartment, and it wakes me and my children up. Is there a way that we can work together to fix this? Do you have any ideas?’ The last two questions will segue you into joint problem-solving. As the saying goes ‘two heads are better than one.’ Collaborating to address an issue is a great way to maintain a good relationship with your neighbors.” 

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Deemphasize the behavior

Another thing you can do to help your neighbor feel this isn’t an attack on them is share with them where you’re coming from rather than harping too much on their behavior. Peterman says, “Separating positions from interests means parsing the what from the why. A person’s position in a conflict is what they say they want, i.e., ‘I want you to stop playing loud music at 2 a.m.’ The interest is the underlying need or concern. It is their why, i.e., ‘I am unable to get a good night’s sleep when music is playing at 2 a.m.’ Having a conversation from the interest level will help to detoxify the situation and de-escalate tensions. It will also bring you closer to finding common ground to start from instead of feeling like adversaries.”

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Find common ground

“Once you have separated positions from interests, you should look for shared interests,” Peterman suggests. Even if you’re very different people, you probably value some of the same things – it’s why you moved to the same neighborhood.

“What do you have in common regarding this topic? Are you both interested in a certain standard for your living environment? Do you both appreciate quiet enjoyment of your space? Is having a civil relationship with your neighbor important to you? Is having a good reputation in your building/neighborhood important to you? These are just some questions to ask to get the ball rolling.”

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Don’t project

Depending on how irritating a neighbor is, this next tip might be tougher for some than others, but is important nonetheless. Don’t project intentions onto them. “It is important to avoid assumptions as much as possible when there is a conflict,” Peterman says. “Many times, people assume that it is a zero-sum game, meaning that one person’s gain is equivalent to the other person’s loss so the net change of the benefit is equal to zero. If you have confirmed that the other side actually does not care about the conflict and how it is impacting you and you have introduced some objective criteria, then it is time to consider your BATNA.”

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What is BATNA?

Peterman explains, “BATNA means best alternative to a negotiated agreement. Essentially, it makes you ask yourself, ‘If I do not come to a resolution with this person today, what is my best alternative?’ In the situation with the drag racers, if you cannot reach an understanding with them, what are your options?  What can you control?” She’s referring to my telling her our new neighbors enjoy drag racing up and down our quiet suburban street. Things I can control might involve, petitioning the city to add speedbumps, warning other neighbors to be careful when walking because of this new behavior, and getting great earplugs.

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Be sweet instead of sour

“In my experience, you certainly catch more bees with honey,” Peterman says. “Maintaining a calm demeanor, speaking in a neutral tone, and being aware of your body language can go a long way. Sometimes in a negotiation there are trade-offs and one action may be predicated or contingent upon another action, compromise, or accommodation. Perhaps you may have leverage or an incentive that may motivate your neighbor to hear you out or reach a resolution. Your neighbor may also share an issue that you were unaware of and ask you for something. The point here is to try to have an open mind and be flexible.”

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Know that they’ll likely mirror you

“Conflict escalates quickly. People often yell back when yelled at, and before you know it, mirroring behavior can lead people to a space where they don’t know how they ended up in their predicament,” Peterman explains. “In order to resist the fight, flight, or freeze mechanism that happens to all of us when we are in conflict and our executive function (the ability to make cool, calm decisions) is suspended, we have to slow things down. Slow things down by being aware that mirror neurons in our brains may have us reflecting body language, facial expressions, and emotions while we are still processing what is going on around us. Being aware of what your triggers are and having a plan to address such triggers if they are set off can help you in a heated or difficult conversation.”

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Have realistic expectations

Like with any change, progress takes time. You can’t expect a neighbor to totally transform overnight.  “When we are talking about changed behavior, durable and lasting change usually requires some recognition by the person that something needs to change and an understanding as to why the change must occur,” Peterman says. “When neighbors are in conflict, they are not usually presenting the best version of themselves. Learning more about what is going on and filling in the gaps instead of assuming that you have all of the facts can go a long way in helping you to find balance between what is reasonable and unreasonable for you and your neighbor. You have to define what those terms mean to you.”