Mistakes You Make When Apologizing
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The word “sorry” has taken on a lot of meaning in our society. Just think of how popular the phrase “Sorry not sorry” has come to be. A major candy brand has snagged it as its motto in commercials lately. Often people will sarcastically say, “Sorry about that” as a way of saying, “Not my problem” or “Boo-hoo, that’s on you.” As a culture, we’re not crazy about saying “I’m sorry” in a genuine way. Apologizing is uncomfortable. It’s in most of our nature to prove why we are right and to defend our actions. Still, research has found that women apologize more than men do, possibly because men have a higher threshold for what they believe to be “offensive” behavior.
Even if women apologize more, it’s not like we enjoy it. There can be fear of things like scorekeeping – the idea that when you apologize, you give the other person the upper hand in the relationship. There are even times we apologize when we truly don’t feel we did something wrong, but we understand we accidentally hurt someone. Apologizing just for outcomes, when the intention was quite the opposite, is tough on the ego. And what about times we apologize to someone and they don’t accept it? Or won’t hear it? Apologies are rarely the happy reunion we believe they will be, and maybe that’s why we can often get sloppy when giving them. We spoke with Dr. Catherine Jackson (pictured below), licensed psychologist and author of The Couch Experience: A Guide to Good Therapy about mistakes we make when apologizing.
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Waiting too long
We asked Dr. Jackson about some ways our ego gets in the way of us handling apologies correctly, and she noted that it can make us wait too long. If you’ve ever felt someone owed you an apology but took too much time to do it, it can add insult to injury. “Our ego leads the way when trying to apologize in many ways. One way is we avoid or delay addressing the issue because we aren’t comfortable being uncomfortable,” she says. “When we need to apologize, we are in the hot seat and no one enjoys being in this position. So this discussion is delayed or avoided but that does not mean the rift goes away. In fact, it may grow wider as a result. ”
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The wrong motive
Often we apologize because what we did is weighing on our conscience, but not because we genuinely feel bad at the idea of the wronged party being in pain. That’s another time when your ego is taking charge of the apology. “Ego-driven apologies also show up when we apologize to make ourselves, not the other person, feel better and when we focus too much on ourselves and/or feelings and not on the other person or the real or perceived hurt we caused them,” Dr. Jackson explains. “The ego also leads the way when we say ‘I didn’t mean it,’ which is not the same as an apology, or when we start an apology with ‘I’m sorry but.’ Whatever comes after the ‘but’ is usually saying something that will completely negate the entire apology.”
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Staying in your shoes
Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can be useful for many complicated personal dynamics, as it certainly is when it’s time to apologize. Too often we go into an apology looking to be absolved, rather than to give comfort. We’re still looking at the incident from our point of view, rather than the other person’s, and as such, we’re still in defense mode. “When apologizing, do not try to explain yourself,” Dr. Jackson says. “While you may or may not be in the wrong, something you did hurt, offended, or distressed the other person. An apology is not the time for you to hope to explain yourself. Instead, try to hear and understand the other person’s point of view.”
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Reversing the focus
Have you ever had someone be so hard on themselves after they did you wrong, that it almost robbed you of receiving the apology? The person verbally abused themselves so much for what they’d done, that you found yourself consoling them, saying, “It’s not that bad…you’re fine…” If you know how frustrating that is, then don’t be that person when apologizing. “This is also not the time to turn the situation around to try and make the other person feel bad for you,” Dr. Jackson says. “Take responsibility for your actions and/or the impact of your actions, even if your intentions were pure, the issue was an oversight, you thought you were doing the right thing, etc.”
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Not doing much listening
If you think of what you’ve needed when somebody wronged you, you probably needed them to grasp how they made you feel. You didn’t need to understand where they were coming from, per se. That can help, but it doesn’t provide full satisfaction. It’s too common, as the one saying sorry, to do a lot of talking and not much listening, which is a mistake. Dr. Jackson says, “Rather than trying to explain yourself, simply seek to listen and understand the other person’s point of view as to how you hurt them and answer any questions they may have about the situation.”
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Having expectations
“When giving an apology don’t expect the person to be in a place to hear much of what you have to say about the matter,” Dr. Jackson says. “When people are upset, it’s difficult for them to think or act rationally.” Their hurt feelings may overpower their ability to see the situation clearly for a while or to set their pride aside and accept your apology. “Do not expect an immediate acceptance of your apology or expect an acceptance of your apology at all,” she adds. Remember that you’re giving this apology to the other person for their benefit – not for yours. So walking in there hoping to leave feeling fully absolved is a way of setting yourself up for disappointment, and again, not the right reason to apologize.
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Hoping to fix things
Sometimes, when we wrong someone, we do some irreparable damage. You can break someone’s expensive plates. You can tell a secret you weren’t supposed to share. You can slander them in a way that hurts their personal life – or even their income. So in some cases, the damage you cause goes beyond hurt feelings, and fixing it is not within the realm of possibility. “Just because you apologized or provided any insight into the situation does not mean it will make it better for the other person,” Dr. Jackson states. Sometimes, after you say “I’m sorry,” you’ll still have to deal with the damage you caused to the person for some time.
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Sharing the blame
“Look what you made me do.” It’s a rather manipulative and abusive phrase, but we’ve all heard it. Somebody did something that hurt us and found a way to suggest that we made them do it. They suggest that we were the architects of our own pain. It’s not fair, but it’s possible you accidentally use the same strategy when apologizing, without realizing it. “Illegitimate apologies place blame on the person who was offended,” Dr. Jackson says. “Bringing up anything the other [person] did or did not do that you feel contributed to the rift in the relationship or strain in the situation places blame on the person who was hurt by your actions. Sincere, mature apologies are ones in which you take responsibility for what occurred.“
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Some tips for apologizing
Dr. Jackson shared with us some of the ways she helps clients resolve conflicts with loved ones when an apology is in order. “I coach clients through apologizing to loved ones by talking about and exploring the following: making sure to talk about and address the concern and doing so in a timely manner; exercising humility; focusing on how your actions made the other person feel; focusing on the best interests of the other person.” A lot of that requires stepping out of the place of wanting to conserve your feelings or reputation. It even means releasing the idea of you feeling better. Apologizing is meant to be uncomfortable. You’re taking on some discomfort because you caused someone else discomfort. It’s a rebalancing of the scales and it might hurt a little.
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Hand over some control
Dr. Jackson also gives tips that emphasize the importance of really hearing the other person out about how you can make things right, and what would help them feel better. Their ideas might not be what you had in mind, but again, this isn’t about you. Other tips include, “offering a solution or way to correct the issue if possible; allowing the other person to decide what may be best to repair the relationship; allowing the other person time to process it all and not rushing them to carry on as if nothing ever happened or to forgive you; being prepared for it to take time for the person to forgive you or to accept they may not forgive you at all.”
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