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Reports show that, in order from most to least, this is who receives Valentine’s Day gifts: wives, girlfriends, other family members, husbands, “secret” recipients (whatever that means), boyfriends, friends, pet dogs, and pet cats. Notice the positioning of the friends in that group as right down there with pet dog and cats. How can we treat our friends like that? Perhaps we don’t think a friend would ever expect any sort of special attention on Valentine’s Day, but do you remember in elementary school when students made Valentine cards for everyone? It was important that nobody felt left out. Where did that spirit go? It is true all the things they say about the 14th being a commercial holiday created by Hallmark and similar companies who prey on our need to prove our love and feel loved, but look, it seems to be here to stay. And the same can be said of many other major holidays.
Then again, other major holidays don’t seem to exclude one very particular group: singles. Anybody and everybody feels welcome to partake in Halloween or the Fourth of July. But Valentine’s Day can be like that b*tchy popular girl in high school who closed the talking circle when she sensed a “not cool” person approaching. It is important to be sensitive to the fact that single people can feel left out on this holiday. It’s also important not to make it too obvious when that being sensitive about it. Nobody wants pity. Here are things not to say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day.
Ugh, you’re lucky. You don’t have to buy a gift
While you’re desperately searching for a gift that won’t make your partner want to gag and resenting the price tag on everything because you know your partner doesn’t even want a gift, you may be thinking, “It’d be best if I were single on this day.” And you might want to express that sentiment to your single friend. But the idea there is that, wouldn’t everyone gladly give up love and connection if it meant saving a couple of bucks on these stupid holidays? And, no, nobody really feels that way. Also, if we are looking at relationships from a monetary standpoint, your friend knows there are financial perks to being coupled up. You save money on things like rent and fajitas for two by being in a relationship. You aren’t fooling anyone.
The restaurants are so expensive tonight anyways
Some pros in the restaurant industry spilled the beans about how things work on Valentine’s Day. It’s true: that prix fixe menu is there to make sure you don’t try to get a budget meal on the night of Valentine’s Day. So when you tell your single friend that she can be spared the price gouging happening at restaurants on this heart-filled holiday, you’re right. But she also knows that many couples stay in and order delivery. Or they work together to make a meal from scratch. Don’t lie to your friend and make her think all couples are rushing to these overpriced, white table cloth, champagne on ice dinners. She’s seen your Instagram posts with pad thai and beer on V-day.
You can spend it with us!
Oh no. Now, on top of all the other negative experiences a single person may have on this holiday, you’ve added an unwanted invitation to the mix. We’ve all suffered these. Someone invites you to something you really don’t want to do, and you already know that they know you have no excuse to get out of it. What can one say in response? That you have plans?? How will your single friend use that excuse when this conversation started with her telling you that she had no V-Day plans? Never did she imagine that would result in you asking if she wanted to awkwardly third wheel it with you and your partner for a movie and takeout on your couch. Plus, this may just cause a fight between you and your partner, and you don’t want to be one of the many couples who break up on this holiday.
My partner’s displays are just embarrassing
The bushels of roses all over the house. The heart-shaped pancakes in the morning. The larger-than-life teddy bear. The diamond necklace he put on your cute dog to wake you up with on Valentine’s day morning. You show your friend photos of all of this and say, “It’s so embarrassing.” Of course, it’s not so embarrassing that you skipped documenting it all. It’s not so embarrassing that you failed to post about it on all social media outlets. This tactic is just a way for you to show off, all while getting points for being empathetic because you swear it’s “embarrassing.” Spare everyone this moment.
Do you want me to find you somebody?
Oh yes! That’ll do the trick. After the years your single friend has been on dating apps, hitting up bars and lounges, going to mixers and putting herself out there, all that was missing this entire time was you calling your boyfriend’s cousin who is “probably single now?” Yes. That will do it. And what your friend really wants is for a first date to be a Valentine’s Day date so all of the expectations of spending and dressing up and making a good impression can happen with someone she barely knows on a pressure-filled holiday. No she doesn’t want you to find her somebody!
It’s for suckers anyways
The problem with this statement is that you and your partner are totally being suckers. You can say this, because when your friend asks, “So you guys aren’t doing anything?” you’ll feel pretty awkward explaining that, yes, you are in fact planning on doing something. You’ll try to play it off like, “Oh no. We don’t celebrate it. We just have a quiet dinner…at the restaurant where we had our first date. No big gifts. I mean, I got him a watch but, that’s whatever.” Okay. Sure. The other problem with this is that one day your friend probably hopes to be one of those suckers, so you’re proactively making her feel embarrassed for when she does next celebrate Valentine’s Day.
You can buy yourself gifts!
“You can get yourself something you actually want instead of all this useless chocolate that makes me bloated and flowers that die.” Sure, she can. But that’s true any day of the year. Your friend could always get herself whatever she wants. The point of Valentine’s Day is having someone else spoil you. She doesn’t take comfort in knowing that she can go on Amazon and order yoga pants or headphones today. How is that any different than what she does on a Friday night after too much wine? She doesn’t need you to remind her that she owns credit cards.
Most of those couples secretly hate each other
You may be right. Many of the couples enjoying $45 bowls of spaghetti and $24 cocktails on Valentine’s Day while someone awkwardly walks around trying to sell them roses might hate each other. Most relationships aren’t meant to last, after all, so most couples on this holiday spend money on someone they won’t be speaking to in a few years. Or they specifically use grand gestures to cover up their toxic, tumultuous relationship. All of these things could be true. But some of them are adorably happy couples who’ve been married for decades and you both know it.
We’ve been together forever and are over it
You claim that you and your partner, having been together for such a long time now, are exhausted by the holiday. “How many of these do we have to do? We’ve already done like seven! We’re running out of ideas. Trust me. It gets old. If you’re with someone for a long time, it starts to feel like a chore.” Your friend probably didn’t hear much of how annoying Valentine’s Day is for long-term couples and just heard, “I’m so committed and in love. I found my person. We have years of memories together now. We’ve been together for almost a decade!”
Are you going to be…by yourself?
Oh geez. And that tone. The way people ask this question, you pause before the words “by yourself” and then sort of lower your voice as if there is shame around it. You look around, to make sure nobody is listening. You put your hand sympathetically on your friend’s arm. She’s by herself every night of the year – she can survive it tonight. She didn’t see much wrong with it until you put so much stank on it. Pity stank – the worst kind. Now she feels pressure to fumble through some lie about how her downstairs neighbor is coming up for drinks (he’s coming up to retrieve the iron he lent her).
My guy will just get gassy and fall asleep early
You try to make partners seem so unappealing with some story about how your guy will order the pasta even though he’s sensitive to gluten, he’ll drink too much, and he’ll pass out farting, leaving you eating chocolate alone in front of the TV. The truth is though that people ultimately want that. Okay, maybe not that. Everybody wants to get to that comfort level with somebody where no one feels the need to pretend to be perfect (read: non-gassy). You and her both know that you go to bed with a smile on your face next to your gassy partner so cut the crap.
You should do a Galentine’s Day!
She doesn’t want to. But now that you’ve said it, she’ll appear cynical if she says she doesn’t want to. And you won’t believe that she doesn’t want to. You’ll say she’s being bashful. You’ll start listing the friends she should invite. You’ll even pull up your phone and say, “I’ll call Lisa and see if she’s available.” You start planning the damn Galentine’s Day for her! She doesn’t want some fake version of this. She can hang out with her friends any day of the year – and any other day is better because the word “Galentines” isn’t involved.
