How To Not Get Attached Too Quickly
Everyone wants to skip ahead to the part of a relationship where they’re settled into a nice routine with a partner, comfortable, familiar, and blissfully attached. You know those couples who have been together for years, can finish each other’s sentences, and clearly have a history? Of course, it would be nice to fast forward through time and just be there with somebody. The dating phase can suck. It can be fun, but it can also lead to disappointment, and what feels like a lot of wasted time. Some people don’t have the patience for the getting-to-know-you phase so they just…don’t do it. They go from “single” to “in a relationship” after a few dates with someone. A new beau gets the title of “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” without earning it. There is a lot of talk of “we love that place” and “we do that all the time” when that “we” has only been seeing each other for a short time.
Unfortunately, jumping ahead five steps can often leave you ten steps behind, because rushing relationships is usually a waste of time. If you do it, don’t be too hard on yourself – a lot of people are guilty of this. You want to see the best in someone. You have high hopes. You want that connection. And when expectations have already come into play, you might let yourself get attached too quickly. More often than not, that will be your instinct, so you have to actively fight it. We spoke with Chronicles of a Serial Dater author Ann Marie Sorrell about how to keep yourself from getting attached too quickly.
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Excitement is a rose-colored lens
It’s not like you start planning your wedding in your head with every man you simply pass on the street. If your imagination gets the best of you, it’s usually because there is some spark there. There is, in fact, some sense of ‘There could be something special here…’ There is something for your mind to grab onto, but then it runs with it. And that’s where you can get into trouble according to Sorrell. “It is very easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new connection and with this whimsical feeling, our blinders go up and our imagination starts to run wild,” she says. “We begin to imagine our lives with this person we’ve only known for a whole five minutes.”
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Your life is ready, but is he?
Taking things slowly can be particularly difficult for those who feel that every other element of their life has fallen into place. If you have a great career, great social life, and an excellent sense of self, it can really seem like there is just one piece missing – and you want to get it fast. Sorrell says, “For a woman who has done the work, established herself, and is ready to get married and start a family, she may unknowingly or knowingly begin to project not only her thoughts but actions of this desire she has. Even if new bae has similar intentions, it could be too fast for him to already be thrown into this space.“
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Are you projecting?
Sorrell listed some key signs that your brain might be getting ahead of you, and you may be viewing a relationship as serious when it’s really not yet. One of those signs is “Creating expectations for communications.” An example of that is, “I should wake up to a text or good morning call every morning” or “we should fall asleep on the phone together every night.” Another one, she says, is making yourself too available, both for phone calls and in-person hangouts. If you are doing that, then you’re making someone you barely know a priority over the people or activities that have been in your life longer.
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You’re integrating them too quickly into your life
Two more signs that Sorrell says show you may be thinking too far ahead into the future and getting attached quickly are making future plans together, such as to go on vacation together, and introducing the person to your friends and family. Remember that introducing someone to friends and family can be a self-created cycle of pressure. The act of that introduction is a way of announcing, “This relationship is going somewhere,” and from there, you may feel pressure to make it work – even if it doesn’t – so as to not admit to your friends and family that you were wrong about the person.
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How to give yourself a reality check
We asked Sorrell what questions you can ask yourself to make sure that you’re living in the present, aka reality, rather than projecting into the future with somebody. She suggested paying close attention to whether or not this individual is reciprocating your level of interest. “Are they giving the same energy, time, and interest that I am?” If the answer is no, it’s best to recognize that sooner rather than later. If we fail to see the clear signs that someone isn’t as interested, it can lead us to later feel they wronged us or betrayed us, when the truth is, they were putting it out there all along.
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Are you just checking boxes?
Sorrell also encourages daters to make sure they aren’t just checking boxes off a list. Everyone has a list: must be college educated, must love to travel, must love animals, etc. There’s nothing wrong with wanting certain characteristics in a partner. But if we’re obsessed with the list, we might make decisions to rush into something based on what’s on paper, rather than assessing the true connection there (or lack thereof). Sorrell also suggests asking yourself if you share interests with this person. It’s easy to like the idea of someone who loves philosophy or fitness but…do you actually find interest in those things?
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Have you been open about your intentions?
The biggest disappointment can be when reality falls far from expectation. So make sure the expectation is clear on everyone’s end. Sorrell recommends asking yourself, “If you have made your intentions clear, are you willing and able to be patient and allow the relationship to develop?” Also, ask yourself whether or not the other person has been clear about their intentions. If you both know that your ultimate goal is to have a meaningful relationship, then perhaps you can calm down in that knowledge, and slow down. That would be much better than going so fast that nobody has a chance to catch their breath and know what’s happening.
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What about when you’re the one being rushed?
“There are instances where we are being rushed into a relationship by the other person and if that is the case, it is best to be honest and open about where you stand and what your intentions and plans are,” Sorrell says. Letting someone know you intend to take things slowly can prevent any sort of confusion or hurt feelings when you decline that invitation for a romantic getaway on the second date, or a chance to meet their parents during week three. That way the other person knows this has nothing to do with a lack of interest in them, it’s just about the timeline you prefer to stick to.
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What if he’s pushy?
What about when someone still wants to rush? “Sometimes it is not easy to do so [take it slowly] when the other person is hell-bent on what they want and when they want it,” Sorrell says. “What I have done is simply state that I want to take my time to get to know them better and we should have more conversations, spend more time together doing things that we are both interested in and see how it goes. What I have done is expressed that I am interested and willing to give more of my time and energy to the situation, but slowly.”
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If he won’t pump the breaks, exit the vehicle
“This approach should alleviate the feeling of rejection,” Sorrell says about her last piece of advice. Of course, if you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t really care for your feelings and just wants to reach certain relationship milestones quickly by a certain date, that’s not someone who is worth your time. When there is a true connection, there shouldn’t really be a rush. You can trust things will happen when they should. “In the event this is not acceptable to the person, they become combative or aggressive, persistently tell you they want it their way or suggests you are missing out on your blessing, then it is a sure sign to gather yourself and keep it moving,” she adds.
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