How To Decide Who You Confide In

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It can be valuable to get outside perspective when you need to make a big decision in life. While you should ultimately have fine-tuned intuition to rely on, gathering the input of those who don’t have the same biases as you do – those who aren’t as close to the situation as you are – can be very useful. When it comes time to decide whether or not to take a job…or leave a job…or move in with a partner…or leave a partner…there can be a lot of thoughts rushing through your mind. Sometimes, a good confidante helps you organize those thoughts. They don’t even necessarily push their opinions onto you, but rather help you understand your own feelings better. That’s a wonderful asset.

Deciding who to confide in isn’t something that should be taken lightly. We all know those individuals who seem to ask any and everybody they come across for their opinion on their lives. It’s worrisome – they have no idea what the motives, backgrounds, or beliefs are of some of the people they let give their two cents on their future. When you ask for someone’s input, you give them a lot of power whether you mean to or not. And though you always have the option to take or leave someone’s input, it can have a way of sticking with you. We spoke with Devyn Walker about how to decide who you confide in. Walker is a racial trauma therapist who recently opened a private practice, Transcend Wellness Boutique (@transcendwellnessbo).

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Do you have the same belief system?

Not all trusted friends and family members are the appropriate people to talk to about all issues. “It’s important to be conscious of whom you ask for help or opinions from because every persons has a different set of beliefs and life experiences,” says Walker. “So naturally we operate & make decisions from that.”

For example, you might not want to ask a religious friend who doesn’t believe in cohabitation before marriage whether or not you should move in with your boyfriend when you’re just considering compatibility, and she’s considering…sin.

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Everyone has a bias

When we do seek outside input, it’s usually because we want someone who has less of a bias than we do – because we’re so close to the issue. But remember, people who care about you and have been by your side through your journey aren’t completely without bias. There are things they know about you and your past that are coloring their perspective.

As Walker puts it, “When someone helps you or gives you their opinions, even though they may actively try to act in your best interest, they will still make decisions coming from their viewpoint. Basically…we all naturally have our biases, especially when we are close to a person.”

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A neutral but dependable confidante

So if you don’t want input from a total stranger, because you just don’t know where they’re coming from, but friends and family can be too close to the issue, who can you talk to about major life decisions for a balanced, unbiased opinion? Walker says, “We always say in the mental health field to have a therapist that you do not know because that helps eliminate bias.”

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How do you identify someone who really cares?

Naturally, you can’t talk to a therapist every time something comes up in life. You do need to find friends and family members in whom you can confide, because you have better access to them. But, people can give their opinion with many agendas – including enjoying the sound of their own voice or having some stock in what you decide (like when you ask your mom whether or not you should move across the country – she’s not only considering what’s best for you, she’ll miss you!)

We asked Walker how to know someone is really evaluating a situation with your best interests at heart. “A sign that someone has your best interest at heart is if they ask questions to get a better understand rather than coming to their own conclusion before giving their opinion.”

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The stunted individual can’t help you grow

It can be hard to acknowledge when someone you love isn’t equipped to help you figure out how to lead your life because they’re struggling to even lead their own. But it’s important to be aware of. “One thing you would need to see someone achieving in their own life before asking for advice is to see if they’re committed their own personal development and self-growth,” states Walker.

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What does that look like?

Some of the best people to help you analyze your life and reflect are those who also take the time to self-reflect, and are committed to growth and change, says Walker. “Are they confronting and actively working on their toxic traits? Do they apologize and take accountability when they mess up? Do they participate in activities that will make them a better person?”

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Who should you not confide in?

Deciding someone isn’t fit to give you life advice doesn’t mean you’re judging them. But you have to protect yourself and your choices. Major decisions are precious, and when making one, you do get to be a bit selective about who you turn to. There are some individuals from whom you should probably not seek advice, no matter how much they want to give it. “Some behaviors that you should be mindful of are…not taking accountability for their mistakes, becoming defensive of their toxic traits, being impulsive consistently, and overall just making poor decisions,” says Walker.

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Am I a screen? Because you’re projecting

Sometimes when giving you advice, someone is really talking about themselves. Walker says, “We should always be aware of people projecting when giving advice because people will always say what they will and won’t do in a certain situation until they’re actually in that situation. Like I said, we have different beliefs and life experiences that’s the driving force behind our decisions and that affects our advice giving as well.”

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Why are you so worked up?

Have you ever gone to a loved one for advice, and it felt like you stirred up something? You turned over the wrong stone? When giving their input, they almost sounded…angry? Or too emotional? Walker says, “A sign to help you notice when someone is projecting is if they seem more judgmental than helpful.”

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Hey, nobody asked you…

We asked Walker how to deal when people whose input we don’t want, just won’t stop giving it. She said, “The best way to handle unsolicited advice is to start the conversation with ‘Hey I really just want to vent, can you listen?’ And if they still give you unwanted advice, redirect them and say ‘I appreciate your concern but I really just wanted to vent, I don’t want advice at this time.’ Make it a habit to ask your loved ones if they have the capacity to listen to you vent or give you advice to prevent any misunderstandings.”