How Your Relationships Suffer If Your Parents Fought A Lot

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The emotional healing process could probably begin a lot sooner for most people if we’d just accept that we all carry stuff around from our childhood. It can be particularly difficult to admit that our childhoods – and particularly the way our parents behaved – impact how we are today if we don’t like the way our parents behaved. You likely know people who frame most of their lives and decisions around the goal of not being like their parents. But, in that very way, their parents are still ruling their lives.

You can’t help it if you grew up in a house with a lot of conflict. That’s not your fault. How could it be? You were a child. Even if you participated in the conflict, the adults set the tone for the house. And if that tone involved a lot of yelling, name-calling, threats of leaving, and other disturbing tactics, that can really impact the way a child grows into an adult and a partner in relationships. We spoke with Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Altagracia Y. Andre about how growing up in a house of conflict can impact your relationships as an adult.

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Failing to trust others…and yourself

Andre says that having grown up in a home where your parents always fought can not only make it hard to trust others but also to trust yourself to behave in a way you’re proud of in relationships. “Having witnessed conflict in your parent’s relationship can trigger a sense of distrust. Clients say ‘The way that he or she spoke to me brought up something.’ Trauma and trust go hand in hand. Even the fear of what a relationship brings…there are people who can date and drop out of the relationship early if they feel it gets too serious. They worry, ‘I might get involved in the same type of relationship as my mother or father. I want to avoid that.’ They want to avoid repeating patterns.”

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Disconnecting to protect yourself

Andre explained that another possible side effect of growing up in conflict is emotionally shutting down as a form of self-preservation. “Emotional disengagement can occur if you grew up in conflict. An intimate relationship requires you to be vulnerable with another person. Our childhoods shape us as individuals. Growing up in a household where emotions were not processed properly – or where it wasn’t safe to express emotions – it’s easy to have emotional disengagement and feelings of loneliness as a result.”

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You can be unmalleable

Relationships must be about some give and take, but if the nature of your parents’ fights involved one person always giving into the other, you may struggle with the “give” part in your own relationships. “If you have this idea where, ‘If I give in or accept the influence of my partner, does that mean that I become like my mother and become too submissive? Or am I just like my father in not being able to stand his ground?’ There can be an inability to accept influence,” says Andre.

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Expectations surrounding emotional expression

In a relationship, it is important to be able to share emotions. But depending on your life experiences, you may not feel comfortable doing so freely, or you may have altered perceptions of healthy ways of doing so. As Andre puts it, “In your family of origin, what were the views of sharing emotions? Was it productive [to share emotions]? If you do not share the same views of expressing emotions [with your partner], that can definitely create conflict within the relationship.”

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Fighting to be right, instead of happy

Andre also says that those who grew up in tumultuous households might always be on the defense in their relationship. She’s a fan of the Gottman Method of therapy, which focuses on “Maladaptive communication patterns that can predict the end of a relationship. In terms of having experienced family discourse, seeing your parents fight…there can be defensiveness. Constantly feeling the need to make sure that your perspective is right, and not being able to take responsibility at times.”

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Being hypercritical

If you are extremely aware of not being like your parents, you might project some of that onto your partner, says Andre. “Criticism can also be one of the tactics – faulting your partner for anything they lack in the relationship. If how they express themselves doesn’t fit what you anticipated, and you’re saying, ‘I’m trying not to repeat the same pattern as my parents’ you might criticize your partner. In your attempt at not repeating your parents’ patterns, you don’t see how pushy you can be – how critical you can be of your partner.”

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Can you talk to your parents about this?

Many adults can come to the difficult crossroads of having their eyes open, and recognizing how their parents’ behaviors are unhealthy, but not knowing how to address it with their parents. The catharsis of saying, “Here’s how your behavior as parents impacted me,” may not come easily for everyone, says Andre. “Culture plays a huge part of this. I’m of Caribbean descent and I cannot see myself talking to my parents about how their relationship impacted my ability to have a relationship. Be mindful of how cultural differences impact how we can approach our parents.”

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The important thing is you’re you, not them

“Recognize that your relationship does not have to be your parents’’” says Andre. “Say ‘I am not my parents.’ That can be an affirmation. ‘My relationship does not have to look like my parents’ relationship. I can disengage.’ Be able to create that healthy boundary for yourself.  If you’re able to express yourself and have that conversation with them, absolutely go for it. But if not, if that’s not an option for you, it’s important to recognize ‘What is it about my parents’ interaction that is triggering for me? Am I able to differentiate between my relationship and theirs?’”

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Comfort in conflict

“If you grew up in a home of chaos, even if you get in a relationship that does not involve chaos, it can still be anxiety-provoking because you might be anticipating chaos and chaos never comes…calm and stillness is foreign to you. You can engage in self-sabotage as a result – trying to create that chaos for yourself,” says Andre. “It’s important to do the work if you recognize any patterns in your relationship, and to seek out services, to help you understand what’s going on before calling it quits. It’s so easy to call it quits.”

Andre ended the interview with this quote from the book “Loving Bravely” by Dr. Alexandra Solomon: “A loving trusting relationship can be a powerfully healing force in the life of someone who has suffered a trauma.”