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The term “self-partnered” is not exactly new. Emma Watson referred to herself as “Self-partnered” in an interview with British Vogue about a year ago, but it’s really picked up steam since then.
The concept of self-partnering provides a very empowering possibility: that you are complete without another person as your partner. The word “single” has its implications. Alone. Solo. Stag. Without. It suggests that someone is in a waiting period, and is feeling unsettled. But, many singles can tell you that they do not feel that way. That being said, if society seems troubled by someone who doesn’t have a partner, perhaps we can shut them up by saying, “I have a partner. I am self-partnered.” Maybe that can tie up that pesky loose end that family and friends always ask about.
There’s a lot of good to be said about the concept of self-partnering. But, like with any trend, it’s worth looking at the long-term and deeper implications. Is this just another way millennials like to shake up the norm by changing — or eradicating — labels? What does it really mean to be self-partnered? Is it different from being single, actually? And can there be ways one takes it too far? We spoke with couples counselor Dr. Laura Louis all about the concept.
Source: Dr. Laura owns these photos / Glamor Shots
Why the need for the term?
“There is this idea that you are not complete until you get married,” says Dr. Louis. “There is this feeling of ‘When are you going to settle down?’ and the assumption that being with yourself is not complete –that you haven’t gone through the full stages of emotional maturity until you’re married. That’s a preconceived notion.”
Self-partnering is taking control
For some, being called “single” is a way of giving up control. It conjures the concept that, no matter how far you’ve come with your personal work, you aren’t whole until something totally out of your control (finding a partner) has happened. Dr. Louis says that giving yourself the title of self-partnered gives you back control. It says “I’m working on myself. I’m enjoying this season in my life. And maybe it’s not a season. Maybe I’ve chosen this life. Why can’t that be okay? I have the freedom to travel. Go to the movie I want to go to.”
Something is gained from self-partnering
Dr. Louis speaks a bit about the benefits of only having to contend with your own desires and needs for a while. “When you have goals for your life – a vision – if you’re single, you have the ability to just go to Italy for a year. When you’re married, all of those decisions have to be cycled through another person, or your children. There are so many logistics. There is some benefit of being able to just focus on your own self-actualization.”
What is the difference between single and self-partnered?
In addressing how being single and being self-partnered differ, Dr. Louis says it’s “There’s the difference between alone versus lonely. With being self-partnered, you’re making the choice – having some level of autonomy – over ‘this is what I want for myself.’
As a self-partnered individual, you aren’t feeling any deficit in your decision. And it is a decision. It’s ‘I’m lacking nothing. I’m full and complete and enjoying this life. Maybe it would be enjoyable to have it with somebody else, but I’m enjoying it right now.’ Singleness can be attached to loneliness but it doesn’t have to be.”
Is it here to stay?
We asked Dr. Louis if she believes the “self-partnered” era is a trend, or here to stay. She says she thinks it’s here to stay. “People are not getting married at the same rate that they used to 20 years ago. Generationally, people don’t see as much value as they may have seen in earlier generations for marriage. They’re seeing more value in not being a part of the legal institution of marriage.”
Is it possible to get too into it?
It is important that individuals who are truly happy being single and making that choice from a feeling of positivity and completeness have an empowering title for it. But, we likely all know some individuals who cling to their status as “single” as a big part of their identity – closing themselves off to anything else. To that, Dr. Louis agrees. “Sometimes it can be an internal conflict. Like, ‘I want this. I’d like to be in a relationship. But I don’t believe that it’s possible for me. I don’t believe there are enough eligible bachelors.”
So self-partnering can also be a wall
Dr. Louis says that some individuals may choose self-partnering out of fear of disappointment should they look for another partner. This individual might “Put up a wall that doesn’t even allow them to be open to the possibility that it [a relationship] can happen,” she says. “They can have a limiting thinking pattern, like ‘I don’t deserve it’ or ‘There is a limited supply of partners.”
In some cases, Dr. Louis says, when someone chooses self-partnering as a lifeboat when hopes for a relationship aren’t working out, “People self-sabotage. They’re in spaces where they could meet someone but they’re on their phone, not making eye contact, not putting out friendly body language. They put up an invisible wall. A person can be self-sabotaging and not even know it. They cannot be aware that they have these blocks, these walls up.”
Self-partnering can lead to unrealistic demands
When you do choose to self-partner, it can put you in a headspace of, “Well, another partner must be perfect, because they have to live up to…me.” But Dr. Louis says this can lead to someone “Having an unattainable list – a laundry list of things this person [a partner] must meet. Like, he must make this much money, must look like this…this list of things nobody can meet. And in some cases, sometimes this person themselves doesn’t even meet this criteria. They can say ‘This person needs to make this amount’ but they don’t even have a job. It’s setting them up for disappointment because they want something that is not realistic just based on the current reality.”
Where does the wall come from?
Again, self-partnering can be a positive and empowering choice. It’s just always important to be aware of potential downfalls of any new trend that’s picking up steam. In some cases, Dr. Louis says someone can choose it because it feels safer than dating somebody. “It’s typically borne out of their own pain. If they’ve experienced some really painful breakup or, in some cases, childhood trauma, they can be afraid of really opening themselves up to being hurt again. As a result, they’re hyper-vigilant about letting someone in.”
Self-partnering can’t get you out of personal work
We touched on the idea that one benefit of engaging in the world of dating is that it provides the opportunity for self-reflection. Trying to be in relationships is a powerful tool, offering a mirror that helps us see what we can work on so it’s important that self-partnering doesn’t provide an excuse for no longer doing the work.
“You should always be in a constant state of personal development,” says Dr. Louis. “It’s good not just for a potential relationship but just for your own healing to be committed to personal development, so you can continue to break through and transform. So then even non-romantic aspects like those with your kids or your parents, all other areas of your life will begin to heal.”
