What To Tell Yourself When Trust Issues Are Triggered
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Living with trust issues is never easy. Even if you’re working on them by using tools like therapy, mediation, or journaling, they don’t simply disappear overnight. Trust issues can be the result of one massive event that stuck with you, they can be the result of a long period of your life where “everyday” events shifted your thinking, or they can even be something your parents passed down to you. Wherever they come from, they leave you in a state of not just struggling to trust others, but even struggling to trust yourself.
When you get that tingling sensation that “something’s up,” that feeling that leaves you feeling unsafe. If you have trust issues, it’s hard to know where it’s coming from. Is something really going on? Has somebody actually wronged you? Or lied to you? Or are you seeing things a certain way because of your trust issues?
The awareness of trust issues can almost be more tormenting than the trust issues themselves. Always acting on the sensation when trust issues are triggered can lead to a lot of conflict. Always ignoring the sensation, however, for fear of trusting yourself, can also come with its problems. We spoke with Licensed Clinical Marriage & Family Therapist Jordan A. Madison about how to handle it when your trust issues are triggered.
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What can trigger trust issues
We asked Madison what sorts of events to be aware of if you have trust issues that can be triggering. She said some examples include, “People not doing what they say they will,” “Hearing someone talk negatively about someone else that they are supposedly close to,” and “Finding out that what someone has told you was not true.” Madison says “These circumstances can happen in any type of relationship, platonic or not.”
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What about specifically in romantic relationships?
When it comes to romantic relationships, one thing that can trigger trust issues, says Madison, is when a partner has many friends of the opposite sex. “Having friends of the opposite gender can be a natural part of being in a relationship, depending on the person you are with, and shouldn’t necessarily be a reason to be insecure. However, if you have trust issues, it can be difficult to be comfortable with your partner being around so many other people that they could potentially be attracted to.”
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When being busy feels like being ghosted
According to Madison, another thing that can trigger trust issues is long periods of time without contact. Due to the hectic nature of life, your partner may not be able to reach out during the day. But that can be hard for those with trust issues.
“Another natural part of a relationship is balancing work and personal life. If the person you are dating is often busy with work, that may be the life that they have always had before getting in a relationship. However, it can be an adjustment and hard to believe they are always busy if you already have trust issues.”
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What’s a common reaction when triggered?
“When someone is triggered they will most likely believe whatever the worst negative thought in their mind is as a way to prepare for the worst. The automatic impulse is to protect themselves. That protection may look like the common phrase of ‘Fight or flight,’” explains Madison. “They may either become very defensive and demanding and voice their suspicions and accusations, or they may shut down, and withdraw without explaining why.”
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Why are those reactions problematic?
Madison explained why neither “fight” or “flight” is helpful in these situations. “Neither one is productive because it isn’t addressing the issue. Accusatory comments will just put the other person on defense, and when they are trying to explain or tell their side, it is unlikely that it will be heard.”
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Keep lines of communication open
When we’re triggered, we’re afraid, and a natural reaction might be to just retreat. But Madison says that can rob you and your partner of an important lesson at that time. “Shutting down also doesn’t allow communication or clarity to occur, so your partner doesn’t know that their behavior was triggering to you in the first place.”
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A better way to respond
We asked Madison if shutting down or lashing out isn’t an option when trust issues are triggered, then what? She advises, “The first thing to do is to take a few deep breaths. Try to calm yourself, and your body down. Typically when we are triggered, it is not just experienced mentally, but our body experiences it as well. So it is helpful to breathe deep and slow breaths to soothe your sympathetic nervous system.”
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Bring yourself back to the present
Madison talks about how, when we are triggered, we go back to the event that caused our trust issues – we aren’t in the present moment. That’s where the breathing comes in. “Once you are able to calm your body down, you can focus on the mind. It may be helpful to ground yourself in the present moment. Oftentimes, our triggers come from childhood or earlier experiences. It is helpful to ask yourself if what you are angry about is bringing up anything that you’ve felt in the past. Grounding can remind you that you are no longer in the previous relationships and that this is a new experience that doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing.”
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Repeat these mantras
When your trust issues are triggered, your mind may be flooded with false ideas, meant to “protect” you. You can combat them with some mantras Madison suggests here. “Some mantras can be “I am safe. I am present. Just because this reminds me of (insert blank past event) doesn’t mean that is what is happening now. I am capable of handling myself.”
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Focus on facts over feelings
While your feelings may be, “I’m not safe” or “It’s happening again,” focusing on the facts of the relationship and the situation might chase those thoughts away. “Figure out what it is that is upsetting you. Is what the person did really the issue, or is it what it reminded you of? It may also be helpful to challenge the negative thoughts you have by reminding yourself of what is true, or what you do know about the relationship,” says Madison.
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Take off the distrustful lens
Madison offers another way to be present in the moment, rather than in the past with the traumatic event. “Maybe focus on what shows you that you can trust your partner, or if it is possible that whatever you are mad at could have been a mistake. Try to look at the situation without the perspective of being hurt in the past, and see if you would feel the same way. A quote that I found that I really love is ‘Heal so you can hear what is being said without the filter of your wounds’ by Dr. Thema.”
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Don’t hide your trust issues
If you are in a relationship, Madison recommends letting your partner know about some of these issues, rather than trying to conceal them. “I think the best way to explain your trust issues is to be transparent about them. Express to your partner that you recognize that there is baggage from past experiences, that you have brought into the relationship, and it can sometimes impact the way you perceive situations.”
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Nobody is perfect
If you worry your partner won’t like that you come with “stuff,” Madison reminds us that everyone does – including your partner. “Everyone brings lessons and experiences from their past along with them. There is nothing to be ashamed of. The important thing is to be aware of when you are doing it, communicate it to your partner when you see it occur and let them know that you are doing your best to unlearn the behavior.”
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Learning his triggers is a love language
This conversation can provide a good opportunity for you to both share what your triggers are, and create a road map for success for the relationship. “It also might be helpful to ask your partner what their triggers are. We all have them,” says Madison. “Maybe theirs is not surrounding trust, but something else like abandonment or self-esteem. Whatever it is, the more you two are vocal about what the triggers are, the more you can be aware and learn how to respond in the way you both need.”
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Remember, triggers aren’t personal
One of the reasons it is important to tell one another about your triggers is to give each other the perspective, when issues come up, that the reaction isn’t always personal – it’s something else. Madison says, “A relationship should feel like a safe space. Let your partner know that you expressing your trust issues is not to accuse them or compare them to your past. Instead, it is to help you overcome it and move forward.”
