How Life Changes When You Do What You Say You’ll Do
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Do you do what you say you’ll do? Most people will probably answer yes, whether or not it’s true. It’s a bit shameful to say, “No.” And, for those who don’t often stick to their word, it’s possible that nobody ever asked them about it in such a blunt way.
Questions are usually more specific to the situation: “Why didn’t you show up?” “Why didn’t you complete the project in time?” and to that, one could have more specific excuses. “I wasn’t feeling well.” “I had too much on my plate.” When we focus on the excuses that are unique to each incident, it’s easy to let ourselves off the hook. But when someone asks us, point-blank, “Do you always do what you say you’ll do?’” and we’re forced to answer just that question, we might be faced with a reality that we don’t like.
Being reliable is a really great strength, but it’s not one that many have. It means doing what you say you’ll do, unconditionally (barring, say, hospitalization or death of a loved one). Those who do what they say they’ll do tend to think of things from others’ perspectives. Rather than thinking, “Here’s why I should get out of it,” they think, “Here’s how I’ll negatively impact someone else if I bail on this.” It’s not easy to train yourself to think that way, but the rewards are great. Here is how life changes when you do what you say you’ll do.

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You can expect the same from others
When you’re unreliable, you don’t get to demand that others be reliable. When someone texts you, “Can’t make brunch. I’m hungover,” when you’re already sitting at the restaurant waiting for them, you can’t even get mad because you do that sort of thing all of the time. But, it sucks when it happens to you, right? The only way you earn the right to demand that others be reliable is that you also be reliable. And it’s a nice right to have. Remember that people model the way they treat you based on how you treat them.

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You might get a promotion
Maybe you’re never quite on time with any project at work. You don’t take initiative and take on extra things because you’re always behind on your most basic tasks. Maybe you always have a good excuse so you’ve kept your job. But bosses don’t give promotions to those with the best excuses for being behind on work. They give promotions to those who are on top of it, and then some. Bosses give promotions to those who finish their work early and say, “I have time to take on something else if you need help with anything.”

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Your family treats you like an adult
Do you feel like your family has always treated you like a baby, even long after you became an adult? Maybe you discover major events happening in the family like money issues or illness, but you were always the last one to find out. It could be because they didn’t think they could rely on you to be helpful – they didn’t think you could “handle it.” It may have been an insulting feeling, but if you’d always displayed behaviors proving that you couldn’t take on extra tasks or help the family, you couldn’t really contest the insult. If you start doing what you say you’ll do, the family might invite you into the trust more.

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You’ll be invited to more groups
Are you always missing the boat on fun things? Everyone formed a kickball team that meets every Saturday for a game, and then mimosas. Everybody started a bi-monthly book club. Nobody invites you to these things. If you regularly don’t do what you say you’ll do, people can’t invite you to group activities that depend on the whole group showing up, in order for the event to occur. When you become more reliable, you’ll be invited to more scheduled group activities, which can make you feel like part of a community.

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Scheduling feels less hectic
Scheduling can be a funny thing for those who don’t do what they say they’ll do. When someone asks you to put something in your calendar, you can instantly feel stressed, because now, that time is called for. That means if something else “comes up” you’ll have to…break your promise. Having to schedule things can cause a lot of anxiety when you know you’re someone who may not stick to the schedule. When you decide to be the type of person who does what they say they’ll do, scheduling will actually be something that brings calmness. When you put something in the calendar you think, “Okay. Now I know what I’m doing that day, at that time. And that’s final.” The ambiguity is gone.

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You earn respect
Often, double-booking and over-booking one’s self – scheduling and flaking for something else – stems from a desire to have others like you. You said yes to the first person who claimed a time slot because you wanted them to like you. Now you’re bailing on them, to say yes to the second person asking for the same time slot, so that person will like you. But what happens in the end, is that neither party respects you. The person you bailed on doesn’t, and the person you bailed for doesn’t either – they see how easily you break plans. They see you as somebody who is easy to influence, rather than someone with conviction.

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You can shake that icky feeling
No matter how great of excuses you have to break promises, not show up, not call, not be there, not keep your word…none of those excuses help you shake the icky feeling you live with when you’re unreliable. At any given time, there is a handful of individuals who you know are angry with you, because you broke a promise. You can justify your reasons in your head, but you know it doesn’t make them any less angry. You may not realize how much stress it causes to live with that feeling until you get rid of it, by being reliable.

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You feel more present
It’s hard to feel present in any given moment when you always leave yourself open to the possibility of bailing on that moment, for a different one. It’s difficult to enjoy something like a baby shower or dinner party when you live in such a way that, if an invitation to something else shows up on your phone just then, you’d consider it. Deciding, without question, “This is where I am now” helps you be more present and actually enjoy experiences.

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You feel more in control
Leaving your “options open” and never fully committing to anything can seem like a way of keeping control of your life, but it quickly makes you feel like you’re out of control. It can wind up feeling like everyone else has control over your life. If somebody else has the whim to call you up and ask if you want to go somewhere and do something, even if you already had plans, you’d consider it, and then you’d feel conflicted. You leave yourself open to many conflicted moments, and to allow the actions of others to dictate your life, when you aren’t reliable. When you say, “I know I will be doing this thing at this time, regardless of what other offers come in,” you feel in control.

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You’ll feel closer to friends
It’s hard to become really close with friends when you aren’t reliable. The way we become close to people is by being there for them through good and bad times – and you can’t skip the bad. But, friends won’t reach out to you when they’re struggling, if they don’t feel they can count on you to show up. Over time, that can create emotional distance, because they always turn to somebody else during vulnerable moments.

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You won’t miss out as much
Some of the most fun activities require a lot of planning. They require reserving non-refundable tickets long in advance and putting down non-refundable deposits and confirming headcounts and making hard-to-get reservations that they’ll lose if one person doesn’t show up. When you aren’t reliable, you’re left out of things like that. But they’re often the most fun, like concerts and trips.

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It forces you to drink less
Alcohol can be a big factor for those who are unreliable. You don’t show up because you…got drunk and forgot. Or were too hungover. Or had too many drinks to drive and couldn’t get there. When you decide to be more reliable, and show up no matter what, you reconsider that third drink – you don’t want to be hungover tomorrow for the thing you will definitely be showing up for. When flaking is off the table, being hungover suddenly sounds pretty miserable.

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It triggers a friend detox
When you become more reliable, you’ll lose your tolerance for unreliable people. And if you lived that way for a long time, that could make up the majority of your friend group. So you might go through a healthy friend detox, removing individuals from your life who can’t make the change to being more reliable with you.

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You might be a maid of honor
Just as you’re passed up for godparent, you’re passed up for maid of honor, year after year. Even very close friends have passed you up for this. You didn’t even make the bridal party at all for some close friends. Well, if you didn’t show up for many of their birthday parties or theater performances or dinner gatherings over the years, they probably worry you won’t show up for rehearsal dinners or order the party favors like you said you would.

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You could be a godparent
Maybe year after year, loved ones have babies, they name their godparents, and you always get passed over. Maybe nobody even asks you to babysit their kids – they go to somebody else, who is already very busy. This can also be a bit insulting. But, remember that someone’s kid is their most precious commodity and they’ll typically only leave them with friends who have a proven track record of reliability. They can’t risk scheduling you as their babysitter if you’re often a half-hour late, or cancel at the last minute because “Something came up.” Becoming more reliable could mean finally having a closer relationship with your friends’ and family member’s children.
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