Things To Keep In Mind When Your Family Resists Your Personal Growth
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It’s easy to forget that each and every one of us is a part of a delicate ecosystem, whether we want to be or not. Everything we do, good or bad, causes a chain reaction for the very reason that there are people who care about us. There are also people who rely on us. And there are people who do both things – rely on us and care about us. Often, we have loved ones like friends and family members who don’t even realize how much they count on us to behave a certain way. It’s all a part of an unspoken and even overlooked stitching in the fabric of our dynamic. But it is fragile, and any time you make a change – even when it’s a change for the better – the impact doesn’t stop at just your immediate experience.
When you decide to do the difficult work required for personal growth, you might expect those around you to just support, encourage, and understand you – maybe even praise you for it. But, you might be surprised that you don’t always get the reaction you’d hoped for. Remember, again, you’re part of a delicate ecosystem and, to some degree, your old family dynamics thrived because you didn’t do your personal work. And that’s about to change. We spoke with two mental health experts about ways and reasons your family might resist your personal growth. Dr. Ebony and Dr. Jessica Jackson gave us some insight on this important topic.
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You’re changing the script
Both experts touch on the fact that, when you change, that naturally triggers a change in how others will interact with you. In a sense, you’re changing the script that they’ve long been comfortable reading. You’re casting yourself in a new role and as a result, everyone else takes on new roles, too.
Dr. Ebony says, ‘”Your growth can be a threat to your family due to them being used to interacting with you in a particular way. Growth changes you as a person and the person they are used to interacting with is no longer there. Therefore, they have to change the way in which they interact with the new you, and this can be extremely uncomfortable.”
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Even good change can be scary
Dr. Jackson provided this example of a way in which your positive changes can impact the whole family. “We see this in families that have labels. For example, if you’re always seen as ‘the broke one,’ then you start making money, part of the dynamic is people were used to taking care of you, and telling you what to do. Suddenly you’re saying ‘I can do this on my own’ and there can be pushback because they don’t have anyone to take care of in that same way anymore.”
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A (perceived) shift in power dynamics
“In essence, the nature of the relationship shifts and changes, and people can feel threatened because the relationship is not the same,” says Dr. Ebony.
Dr. Jackson brings up how one individual’s personal growth can bring to light family dynamics that nobody even realized were in play before. “Many times we don’t realize what role we play in the family. But once that dynamic is gone, that changes how everyone else responds to each other.”
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Transitioning out of the helper role
If you do decide to work on yourself, that instantly sucks up energy and time you may have typically dedicated to others – energy and time others may have relied on you for. As Dr. Jackson puts it, “If I’m reflecting on myself, I’m going to be more aware of things that no longer serve me. Maybe before, I was fine with always helping you [a family member] with your errands. Now I’m putting my energy towards my own stuff. Now that’s helping me get ahead, but it’s also helping me to recognize that you asking me for help all of the time is not good. Sometimes that can lead to some resentment and frustration.”
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You’re holding up a mirror
Both experts bring up the notion that, whether it’s intentional or not, when you do your personal work, it can force others around you to focus on their own deficits and areas they need to work on. As Dr. Ebony puts it, “Your growth can serve as a mirror to what others aren’t doing in their life or can shed light on areas where they need to grow, which can be uncomfortable for others.”
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They may not like what they see
Dr. Jackson brings up one example of how doing your work can make your family uncomfortable. While severe, it’s unfortunately common. “When there’s a history of sexual abuse in the family that no one is talking about, if you’re the first one to talk about it, it is liberating because it doesn’t have to be this family secret. But, what does it say about everybody who kept it a secret? It can feel like you’re holding up a mirror to those other people. Not everyone is always ready to see what they can work on and fix.”
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When you get what they “can’t” have
“It can be difficult for somebody to see you do what they had envisioned doing but they didn’t know how to do,” says Dr. Jackson. “If you’re the first person to break some cycle in your family through therapy, for some people, that can be difficult to accept. They wanted that, but they didn’t know how to get that.”
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Comfort in chaos
If turbulence has been a part of your family’s history, even though it isn’t healthy, it can become “comfortable.” People are most at ease with what they know, even if it isn’t for the best. And you going beyond that can make them uncomfortable. “It happens for many people where there was childhood trauma or instability,” explains Dr. Jackson. “Chaos feels normal for them. So if somebody sees you having peace, they don’t know what to do.”
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Your bounty can make them feel barren
Dr. Ebony and Dr. Jackson mention that family can think the member who is doing personal work feels superior to the others. Dr. Ebony says “Essentially, they might perceive your growth as an attempt to change who you are, to ‘forget where you came from’, or separate yourself from them… Family might also try to remind you of your past in efforts to minimize self-growth…Sometimes family can also see growth as betrayal…family can feel that growth makes someone more distant from the family and their roots.” “There can be comments of ‘You think you’re too good for us.’” Says Dr. Jackson. “It comes from their pain of thinking you don’t have commonality anymore. It’s not necessarily true, or a reflection of how you’re acting. But when one person is doing well, someone else notices their deficits more.”
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A history of distrusting the psychology community
If you are a young adult who is relying on tools like therapy or group counseling, it’s important to remember that the psychology community hasn’t always felt like a safe place for everyone. And that could be part of the reason your older ancestors shrug it off when you talk about it. “Resistance can largely come from mistrust. The medical field and mental health industry hasn’t always treated people of color or marginalized persons well,” explains Dr. Ebony. “This has caused a huge issue with trusting providers and trusting these systems.”
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Keeping secrets keeps you “safe”
If you do notice your older relatives becoming very nervous about you going to therapy or seeking similar help, remember that “The ways in which families have historically protected themselves from systems that they couldn’t trust or access, was to keep what was bothering them to themselves,” says Dr. Ebony. “Since they couldn’t trust providers and doctors to have their best interest in mind, they learned to not talk about it with them. This history of mistrust is mostly a result of systemic issues rather than individual issues.”
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Personal business is personal
Dr. Jackson also brings up the fear amongst Black families to share family problems with outsiders. “For families of color, you’re taught things like ‘What goes on in this house stays in this house.’ Generationally, it’s difficult with the mind shift of telling family business to someone else. They can be afraid someone will come in and disrupt the balance.”
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Remember, your resources are relatively new
When you do sense your family resisting your growth, it’s also important to remember that you have some resources today that they simply didn’t at your age. “What is available to me now was not available to my mom, who was born in the 1950s,” says Dr. Jackson. “I have therapy and meditation and hotlines. When I compare my experiences to hers, it can be alienating.”
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Assure them no love is lost
Though your personal work may seem like it’s driving a wedge between you and your family, Dr. Ebony says, “Reassure them that while you’re growing and healing, you will not judge them for their journey and that the core love you have for them will not change. Sometimes all family needs is reassurance that they are not losing you and that you are not judging them…It might also be necessary to create boundaries with anyone who is not willing to support your growth. If people are determined to see you as a threat regardless of what you tell them, you can protect your mental and emotional health by creating boundaries with them and adjust what the relationship looks like with them.”
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In the end, it may be a solo journey
Dr. Jackson also discusses boundaries with unsupportive family. “It can be helpful to not think of it [new boundaries] as permanent…We may be in a different space in six months, but when we say it’s permanent, it can be hard to feel you can go back and fix a relationship.” She also adds, “It’s not our job to make somebody else comfortable with our growth. Sometimes we have to be okay with the fact that people are not going to understand. We can get in trouble when we’re so focused on others understanding and validating our experience.”
