Behavior That Shouldn’t Go On In Adult Friendships - Page 7

Source: pixdeluxe / Getty

There are many reasons we might hold on to friendships that make us feel less than great. If you’ve known someone since childhood, or simply for a long time, there can be feelings of loyalty and nostalgia keeping you there, even if that friend is no longer good for you. If you have a friendship that developed during a difficult time in your life, there can be some trauma bonding happening there, but the friendship doesn’t necessarily have a stable or healthy foundation.

While there can be guilt around walking away from friendships, it’s always important to remember why we have friends. The specifics of what you want in a friend can be varied (foodie, fitness junkie, shopping lover), but on a basic level, a friend should make you feel good things. And if you’re noticing that that’s not what a friend is making you feel, be honest with yourself. Evaluate that. Life is busy, and it can be hard to notice when a relationship is slipping from positive to negative, but letting those dynamics persist can have long-time negative effects on your emotional wellbeing. We spoke with Melissa Dumaz, MS, LMFT and author of “The Love Challenge” about dynamics that should not exist in adult friendships. You can find Dumaz on all socials @UHelpYou.

Source: Mikeisha Tresevant / Mikeisha Tresevant

It’s another type of growing pain

Dumaz acknowledges that the friendship transitions that can happen in adulthood are no fun. “When you’re transitioning away from a friendship that was part of a big-time in your life, like college or childhood, there were a lot of memories created.  There is an anxiety of feeling that you won’t be able to create those memories with somebody else.  Or those memories can die off. But that’s not true. You can hold those memories in your heart.”

It is a loss

Part of our resistance to letting go of friendships is that it hurts – more than we expect. “Transitioning in friendships is a grieving process. Grief isn’t always about death. It can be the death of a friendship. You can go from anger to sadness to frustration to questioning and bargaining.  And finally, you get to a place of acceptance of, this is what it is,” explains Dumaz.

Kissing your partying years goodbye

We asked Dumaz for some common friendship dynamics she sees adults wanting to move away from. “Sometimes in college, it’s all about school and partying. But if we’re in a friendship where we want to level up in our careers, and we have friends who are not there yet…maybe their focus is still on partying….that can be something that we look to shed.”

Say goodbye to enablers

“Another thing to shed is that ‘Yes woman,’” says Dumaz. “That person who doesn’t hold you accountable. It’s good to have a friend who can say ‘Hey that’s not a good idea,’ but sometimes we don’t get that in our younger friendships. You want somebody who is going to help you to challenge yourself and to hold you accountable as you’re growing and learning in these different spaces in your life.”

Avoid the gossipers

When it comes to productive conversations with friends, hopefully, you’re talking positively about your own business (and nobody else’s). Dumaz advises avoiding, “Dishonestly. Gossiping. Spending more time talking about the lives of other people, negatively, rather than focusing on your own personal growth and development as an individual or in the friendship…And not being able to trust that person. Feeling if you share secrets, they may go and tell someone else…that’s a behavior we should shed.”

Support shouldn’t be conditional

Dumaz says it’s bad news if a friend isn’t supporting your development. “You’re venturing into new places personally and professionally and this person is not supportive of your growth. Maybe there is some enviousness that is impacting the friendship, and there isn’t open space to discuss it. They should be able to support you regardless of where they are in their lives.”

Having “the talk” with a friend

If you do need to tell a friend that you’ll be taking space, Dumaz encourages not pointing fingers. Make it about you – not them – she says. “Start with yourself—what you’re noticing about yourself. Avoid the blame game. Let’s say, for example, you’re distancing yourself from someone you’ve identified as the gossiper or the negative person. Just say ‘I want to surround myself with people I can trust.’ It’s not saying ‘I don’t trust you.’ You’re just learning there are things you have a lower tolerance for.”

When there are mutual friends

Sometimes, you can’t fully separate from a friend because you have mutual friends. In those situations, Dumaz says, “If you have mutual friends, you can say ‘I have no problems with you. We can be in the same rooms and be cordial.’ It depends on the friendship. Not every friendship requires a conversation. But if there is a mutual circle, you need to have the discussion, and start that talk with what you’ve learned about yourself.”

Sometimes, you just need boundaries – not a breakup

In some cases, you don’t need to end a friendship, says Dumaz, but just create new boundaries. “Sometimes when we are growing out of friendships that are no longer serving us, it’s about identifying new boundaries. There are times, for example, when someone gets into a relationship, but their friends are single, and they do single things. They can say, ‘I can’t do these single things with these guys like I used to.’ You set the boundary, and stick to it. When we stick to our boundaries, other people learn to respect them.”