Do you ever just deal with someone who feels like a social Piranha? You’re going about your day, enjoying yourself, feeling hopeful about things, and then they come through, like a hurricane, and when they leave, you’re left with the wreckage. You were feeling good and now you feel defeated, dark, hopeless, helpless, worried…You really feel like somebody put you through a meat grinder and you’re barely a pulp of what you were before. Negative people have a way of doing that to you. Their energy is extremely powerful.
If you’re a positive person, your energy – your light – is also powerful. But positive people don’t typically seek to actively and aggressively put their energy onto others the way negative people do. They’re constantly trying to shed themselves of this yucky feeling they live with, and some of the way they do that is by passing it off onto others. They don’t, by the way, rid themselves of negativity by spraying it everywhere. They typically find that it’s somehow only amplified after they share it. If you have a family member, coworker, neighbor, or someone you must regularly interact with who behaves like this, you need to protect your good energy. Here are ways to navigate interactions with negative people.
Keep the attention on them
Negative individuals are typically also critical individuals. Of course, never of themselves (if they were self-critical, they’d realize they were negative, and do something about it). They find some relief in being critical of others, which is why, when you interact with them, it’s important to keep the focus on them. Just ask them question after question about themselves, so they don’t have the chance to start picking apart your life. If there is one thing negative people may like more than being critical, it’s being showered with attention.
If it’s turned to you, limit what you share
If the negative individual does successfully turn the attention on you, be very careful about what you share. Don’t give out information about anything that’s close, precious, or important to you. If there are any areas of your life that you only want flooded with good energy, do not talk to the negative person about those. That could be your romantic relationship, your career, or your family.
Respond with only affirming words
Negative individuals typically live with this overwhelming sense that nobody believes them, or that people think they exaggerate. They fear they aren’t taken seriously. Make sure your facial expressions, tone, and words are affirming. Nod. Make sympathetic gestures. Make them feel heard – much of their negativity can come from a feeling that nobody listens to them.
Do not deny their convictions
Don’t deny the things a negative person says. You’ll have the impulse to share factual evidence that the negative thing they are saying isn’t true, or that the thing they fear is going to happen will not happen. They typically don’t take comfort in having someone negate what they say – they only feel judged and, again, not heard. Resist the urge to prove them wrong. It will likely only cause them to spiral further into negativity.
Do not approve of their convictions
While you should nod and listen, you should not go so far as to approve of the things they’re saying. If you are dealing with someone negative, and they are talking about something negative, even if you happen to contain information proving them correct in this instance, do not share that. It’s like adding fuel to the flame.
Never accuse them of being negative
The last thing you want to do is tell someone who is negative that they are negative. This might be something their therapist can tell them, or someone they’re very close to and trust. But negative individuals can hold the idea that others don’t respect them or believe them, and can see this accusation – “you are negative” – through that lens, rather than the honest and helpful spirit in which it’s intended.
Try to hear the underlying need
Negativity is often a defense mechanism. It is a wall behind which individuals can feel safe. Being positive is to be hopeful and to be hopeful is to be vulnerable. Often, negative individuals are just trying to avoid something of which they’re afraid. That fear can be that they aren’t valuable, that they aren’t loved, that they aren’t smart, or that they aren’t “good enough” in some way. Really listen to their words, and try to determine what the underlying, overarching fear is.
When responding, address that need
Once you identify someone’s fear, you can address that – and soothe that. For example, if you have a friend who you realize fears people do not think she is smart, you may find she spends much of her time proving that others are dumb. See what happens when you make sure to assure her that she is smart, and that her opinions are valid and insightful. See what happens when you simply say things like “That’s a very good point” or “You’re very perceptive.” You may find that her need to make others look dumb subsides.
Give yourself a neutral exit
Even if you’re great at handling negative individuals, sometimes the situation is severe, and these tactics will not work. You also are allowed to want space from these situations, since even handling them gracefully is emotionally draining. Find a neutral exit – one that is not personal – like an extenuating time constraint “I have a Zoom meeting in ten minutes” or “I have to pick up my kids.” Negative individuals can live with a fear of abandonment, so it’s important that your exits are clearly not about them (even if secretly, they are).
Masterfully change the subject
Become an expert at changing the subject. When a negative individual, like a neighbor, wants to get in your ear about all of the construction happening in the neighborhood, about how it’s creating trash and traffic, and how the neighborhood is going to sh*t, you can change the subject. You can say, “Oh, yes, I did notice the new construction. It actually reminded me of this architecture I saw in Europe. You were in Europe last year weren’t you? Remind me where you went?” See how you just steered it away from negative to positive?
Make them feel like an expert
It’s difficult for anyone to feel negative and in turn behave negatively when they feel valued and appreciated. Experiment with treating the negative person in your life like an expert. See what happens when you bring up topics in which they’re very well-versed – perhaps the best of anyone in the group. It can instantly alleviate issues of self-worth that cause them to be negative.
Discuss something neutral
When you’re too tired to try more advanced tactics, you can always just keep the topic neutral. You can discuss the weather. Or where to get the best tacos in town. Or the cute dogs you follow on Instagram. Or where to get good jeans at a good price. You don’t have to dive into deep topics with negative individuals.
Keep the hang active
If this is someone you need to spend regular time with to keep up appearances or for the sake of others, like an in-law or common friend of other friends, keep the hang out active. This is not someone with whom you should just get coffee and chat. Things can turn negative, quickly. Take a Zumba class together. Go to a lecture. See a movie. Do something that keeps their mind off negativity, and limits conversation.
Keep bad news private
If you have bad news, don’t share it with the negative individual. Bad news only confirms for them the ideas that the world and life is generally bad. They won’t say anything to make you feel better – in fact, they’ll likely leave you feeling more upset about the situation. Share your negative news with those who will make you feel uplifted and hopeful.
Emotionally detach
You likely have different emotional gears. You can sort of “go numb” when you need to. You turn off your emotional receptors, so you don’t pick up the vibes of those around you. You turn those up when around positive people. So turn the receptors down around negative individuals. Detach. Don’t take in the emotions of what they’re saying.
