When To Say "No" And How To Do It Graciously

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From a young age, for many people, the word no has negative connotations. Your parents yelled “No!” when you were about to do something dangerous. They said “No” when you wanted to stay up later, eat more candy, or go on an unsupervised date. No either meant that you’d done something bad, or that you couldn’t have something you wanted. You can probably still remember the sound of your parents’ voices saying “No” when you were little, and you probably still get a little chill up your spine when you do.

Perhaps this is the reason we’re all so uncomfortable saying no as adults. Whether it’s saying no to a second date with someone we just don’t like, saying no to a social invitation for something that doesn’t interest us, or saying no to doing someone a favor, we’ll look for any way to say it other than, well, “No.”

Saying no, however, is just a form of creating a boundary. Unfortunately, since so many people are uncomfortable with saying it, they can often fail to create or enforce boundaries where boundaries need to exist. If you can’t say “No,” you’ll quickly find yourself leading a life that you don’t really enjoy, and that’s because it will be controlled by others. So we chatted with Dr. Catherine Jackson, licensed psychologist and certified neuro therapist at Optimal Neuroholistic Services about when to say “No,” and how to do so in a way that leaves both parties feeling respected.

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Questions to ask yourself, before responding

• We asked Dr. Jackson what questions people should ask themselves before responding to a request. Whether it’s doing someone a favor like helping them move or going to a friend’s house late at night to console her after a breakup. She said:
• Do I really want to do this?
• What is my intuition saying?
• If I say yes, do I have the time and resources to do it?
• How will I feel about doing this? Will it leave me feeling resentful or upset?
• Does doing this align with my values?
• How will this benefit them AND me? What do we each get out of it?  (NOTE: benefits for you can be as simple as feeling good about helping someone else.)
• Am I in a space mentally, physically, and emotionally to comply with this request?
• How much time and energy will this require? Is there a likelihood that the time will be extended?

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Help yourself so you can help others

When a request comes in, Dr. Jackson advises, “Truly consider if you will be able to give your best to the request before saying yes. To prioritize your mental health before taking on anything, owning your own time/having good time management, having clear boundaries, and practicing self-care are imperative.” It’s the old “Put on your oxygen mask before helping someone else put on theirs” adage.

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Understand your perspective, first

There are larger concepts to consider, not just when a request comes in, but long before that Dr. Jackson says can help you be ready to answer others in a way that honors you and them. “You want to consider and take into account if you are a people pleaser, where it came from, and how you can work on it.” She also encourages “Defining your values so you know what you do and don’t want before a request ever comes your way, and paying attention to that gut feeling. It’s right 9 times out of 10.”

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Why we struggle to say “No” at work

“Most people do not want to disappoint others or be viewed unfavorably if they don’t go along with requests. This is particularly applicable to work requests,” explains Dr. Jackson. “Some people feel they have no other option than to say yes because saying no may have negative consequences later, like being looked over for a promotion and opportunities.”

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Pleasing others, and overlooking yourself

“Some others say yes because they are people pleasers. They put others’ needs first, above their own, though they may not want to actually do so most of the time,” says Dr. Jackson. “Such people are loved by others because they give so much, often to their own detriment and depletion.  And others really want to be helpful and think they can handle it all but don’t consider how this impacts them, their mental wellbeing, and life.”

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Common times we say “Yes,” but don’t mean it

“I believe people say yes to work requests they really do not want to do the most. Next, saying yes to family and friends is a close second. However, the requests people say yes to truly vary. I’ve seen people repeatedly say yes to babysitting for others, only to have parents constantly show up late to pick their kids up, or to ask that the child stay overnight, though it was not a part of the original request. They [the babysitter] really didn’t have the time in the first place and now is being stretched thin.”

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Define boundaries early – it’s best for everyone

“American culture values working above taking care of ourselves,” says Dr. Jackson. “So setting clear boundaries and values will help your company know what’s appropriate to ask you to consider and what’s not. It’s also important to keep clear boundaries with family and friends. They often know your comings and goings and can feel entitled to your time. Your time is yours and you alone decide how you want to use it.” Remember if you set these boundaries clearly and from the start of a relationship, then people (hopefully) just won’t ask to cross them as much – and you can say “No” less.

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Boundaries and mental health issues

“In terms of mental health issues, setting very firm, clear boundaries with people who are narcissistic or have narcissistic tendencies is an absolute must. Saying no without explaining yourself, sticking to your no, and walking away when things become too intrusive or unhealthy are healthy parts of boundary setting with narcissistic individuals and others,” says Dr. Jackson. “You set the tone for how people treat you. If you don’t set boundaries, it tells others they can say and do anything. When you set boundaries, you respect yourself and demand that others respect you too.”

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Saying “No” at work

We asked Dr. Jackson to provide specifically-worded ways to say “No,” respectfully, in different situations. Starting with work, she says, “When you have too much on your plate, try saying ‘Thank you for thinking of me for this project. I’d love to do it because it would give me the opportunity to learn a new skill. However, I recently took on a number of other projects and I am not taking on anything else currently. My coworker is great at these kinds of things and perhaps he/she can take this one on.’”

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Dealing with unsolicited advice

When friends, family, or coworkers give unsolicited advice, it can be tricky, because not taking it can feel like you’re saying their knowledge/input isn’t valuable. But Dr. Jackson recommends saying, “I appreciate your advice and how much you care about me. However, what I really need is a listening ear right now.  Is it ok if I simply get this off my chest?”

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Pushing back on boundary-pushers

Sometimes, you put a boundary in place, and people just charge right through it. When dealing with them, Dr. Jackson suggests, “You first want to limit contact with the person and put time and space between the number of interactions with them, keeping interactions to a minimum. You may say ‘I’m sorry this talk is unproductive’ or ‘I don’t feel comfortable answering this at this time. How about we change the subject.’” There will always be those who still don’t respect boundaries, even after you’ve been vocal about them. In those cases, you just need to create an exit plan. Dr. Jackson says, “If the person persists in pushing or breaking your boundaries, find a way to walk away or exit the conversation, saying something like ‘It’s been nice chatting with you but I need to go to the restroom /get back to work/grab a bite to eat/ answer another call/get to another meeting or appointment.’”

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Uphold the rules you set

A good way to encourage people to obey your boundaries, says Dr. Jackson, is to create and enforce consequences when they do not. “Ideally, have consequences for those who disregard your boundaries. Make sure they are clear, even if never spoken, and make sure you stick with the consequence every time. Keep in mind the ultimate consequence may be severing ties with the person altogether.”

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Sometimes, you have to say “No” to yourself

We asked Dr. Jackson if there are times the person we have to say “No,” to, is ourselves. She said “Most definitely,” and brought up times when we want to behave impulsively. She says that when we act impulsively “Our brains are flooded with dopamine, adrenaline and endorphins, all feel-good chemicals in the brain and body. However, decisions made quickly or impulsively often lead to regret. Take time to stop and think, even of the future consequences of the impact of actions, before acting. Ask yourself ‘Will I feel good about this later?’”

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Ask yourself this before saying no to yourself

Just like Dr. Jackson listed questions you can ask yourself when responding to someone else’s request, she listed times you should say no to yourself below:

• when you know it will lead to self-inflicted stress or pain
• when you have too much on your plate and do not need to add another thing, even if it’s for yourself
• When it’s not a priority
• When you know it will have negative consequences later
• When you know doing so will lead to avoiding a priority
• When it’s a bad habit or continued negative pattern
• When it’s wrong to do