Signs You’re Trying To Fill A Void Rather Than Find Real Love - Page 6

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There are many voids people can try to fill with a relationship. When we talk about a void, we talk about a lack of something. It could be a lack of a social life. A lack of self-love. A lack of family ties. A lack of self-esteem. The love (or what first appears to be love) of another person seems like a quick and surefire way to fill that hole. It’s an entire human being, after all. Surely they can provide what’s missing, right? Unfortunately, there are some things that we’ll never fully be able to enjoy receiving from others until we’ve given them to ourselves – like love, or confidence, or support. We must love and support ourselves before we can even begin to identify someone else who can do that properly for us, too.

When you look for love out of a need to fill a void, you don’t look with clear eyes. The idea is just to find somebody – anybody – to avoid being alone. When the requirement is that simple, the standards drop pretty low. It can be difficult to know when you’re looking to fill a void, and it isn’t always absolute. Sometimes, people just fill a partial void with a relationship. Or, they really do admire and even adore the person they date, so it’s hard to see that they’re filling a void. We spoke with Dr. Melanie Hussain (IG: @meltuition), Doctor of Marriage and Family Therapy, about signs one is looking to fill a void with a relationship.

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Relationship dynamics that can occur

When looking at what sorts of dynamics arise in a relationship where filling a void was the main focus, Hussain says, “The need to really belong and the fear of loneliness comes into the relationship.  And that can lead to conflict, because if you think about it, the person who doesn’t feel fulfilled or okay with themselves, they project that onto their partner.”

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The inner battle becomes the outward fight

Elaborating on that last point, Hussain explains that, “The person who doesn’t feel emotionally whole is more likely to start a conflict because of their emotional battles. When there is a void within themselves, they’re going to try to find voids within the relationship as well.”

The alternative to projecting that conflict onto the relationship would be to look inward, but that’s not something everyone is willing to do. “Facing ourselves is one of the hardest things to do,” says Hussain. So many choose not to, and just look for issues in their relationship instead.

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The relationship may be shallow

“There might not be any depth to the relationship,” says Hussain. To the person looking to fill a void, she explains, “You’ve chosen [the relationship] because it seems ‘fine’ or it’s right for you at the moment.” But she says that those who aren’t comfortable being vulnerable with themselves – the issue that creates a void in the first place – typically won’t be comfortable being vulnerable with a partner, either. “It can be hard to build a connection if you can’t be vulnerable. It will be more surface level because you aren’t willing to be open.”

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And it may be lonely

“There’s also isolation,” says Hussain, of keeping emotions close to the vest to prevent vulnerability. “If you can’t connect to the person, you sometimes feel alone.” She says even if you have someone to share in a relationship with, you may keep conversations and interactions very surface level because that’s what you’re most comfortable with.  “You aren’t putting forth your most authentic self to yourself as an individual,” says Hussain. So you aren’t able to put your most authentic self forward in a relationship, either.

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You change who you are to make it work

When a person just wants to fill a void, they may make too many compromises of themselves in a relationship. Hussain explains, “Someone’s values and morals may change to match the other person’s. So within that dynamic, you change things about yourself…even things that you like or want to do. You change it for the other person. There’s a lot of self-sacrificing that happens in a relationship.” And while compromise is good in a relationship, you shouldn’t completely change yourself to make a relationship work.

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It’s not really you choosing a partner

When asked how trying to fill a void impacts the types of partners a person chooses, Hussain explained that that’s not really that person – that whole, authentic person – making those choices. “Our lonely self chooses, rather than our authentic self.  So you look for more surface-level traits because the relationship is just meant to be temporary.”

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We don’t look to the future

It’s easy to overlook major differences or red flags that will clearly be a problem down the line if all you’re concerned about is not feeling lonely today. “If we think of filling a void, we think, ‘What will just fix the here and now?’ rather than thinking about longevity – rather than thinking about stability and long term potential,” says Hussain.

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You rush into things

In terms of dating patterns that come up when trying to find a relationship to fill a void, Hussain says, “Moving quickly, rather than taking time to get to know the other person” is a big one. “You’re thinking more about the idea of a person than who they really are.” And it’s easy to project whatever you want to see onto someone when you’re just looking for an idea – not an individual. Hussain says it’s also common for those looking to fill a void to go after the same “type” over and over again. “Or their idea of that type.”

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Fear dominates the relationship

Instability and codependency play big roles in these relationships, too, says Hussain. She emphasizes the point that, for the person typically trying to fill a void, it’s out of fear of spending time alone – with just themselves. Trying to avoid loneliness at all costs puts a lot of pressure on a relationship.