Why It’s So Hard To Believe In Yourself
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Do you believe in yourself? Maybe the answer to that question comes easily to you. Perhaps you say a resounding “Yes!” in response. Maybe, unfortunately, you know the answer is no. But, if you’re like a lot of people, you probably waver in some strange in-between area.
You say yes because you like to think you’re the type of person who believes in herself. But you feel like a bit of an imposter saying yes because you know you’ve done some things that would indicate you didn’t believe in yourself. Or you say, “Kind of?” in question form, just like that. You believe you will put in the work but you don’t necessarily believe that great things will happen. Don’t feel bad about that. Most people struggle to fully believe in themselves and for many reasons. We spoke with mental health professional Lacrisha Holcomb (IG: @TherapyisLight), owner of Therapy Is Light, about why it’s so hard to believe in oneself.
Source: Lacrisha took these photos / na
Our role models aren’t always rewarded
“I think we struggle because we are so incredibly smart!” says Holcomb. “We see the way women are treated who are strong, outspoken, and have the ‘audacity’ to command attention and reverence in ways traditionally attributed to men.” And women are sold the idea that there are always improvements to be made, as Holcomb says. “We live in a world that is constantly selling us ideas and products about ‘ways to be better’ which does not consider the possibility of some rejecting this notion and acknowledging already being pretty spectacular.”
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The goal keeps moving
“The bar is constantly being raised and some women have not only raised their standards for self but for the way they will be treated,” says Holcomb. “They have reclaimed their narratives. They have outsmarted patriarchal constructs and overturned the traditional beliefs that have been somewhat outgrown by modern culture.”
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Source: Jose Luis Pelaez / Getty
Women are fulfilling old and new roles out of necessity
“We are not solely at home taking care of children or cleaning the house anymore. Many of us cannot even afford that in this economy and became creative,” states Holcomb. “Many of us are the breadwinners and doing those things while building empires, running for public office, creating art, going to school, being the bosses in our workplace, and so much more!”
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But the rise up can create insecurity in others
Holcomb mentions the great strides women are making as a way of turning attention back to those who may struggle to have self-confidence. She explains that society might quickly reject this type of rise-up. “This rejection does not only come from men but from other women who may be projecting their own limiting beliefs about what they feel capable of doing. People fear what they do not understand and what they have been told they cannot do themselves. Seeing an ‘exception to the rule’ can be (understandably) triggering yet again when you have not healed yourself.”
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Source: Thomas Barwick / Getty
Let her success give you hope, rather than take from you
“When you know that someone else’s successes do not mean that you are failing, and someone else’s confidence does not mean that you are not great, you can choose to be inspired by the level of self-actualization that fortifies women in fearlessly acknowledging their worth,” says Holcomb.
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Understanding “Misogynoir”
When asked what expectations Black women may face that make it hard to exhibit self-confidence, Holcomb said “Misogynoir makes being both a woman and a Black woman in a patriarchal society particularly objectifying. Millennial Black women are breaking many cycles from previous generations and the unfamiliarity can cause a sense of loneliness.”
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Source: PeopleImages / Getty
Growth can be isolating
Speaking more on Black women gaining comfort with self-confidence, Holcomb explains, “Many are the product of these cycles and are doing the work to heal themselves, which can lead to having to create distance from those who are not also committed to growth and cannot relate to the sense of self-efficacy and aspirations that involve unknown territories.”
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Source: Jose Luis Pelaez Inc / Getty
You can be great, but you can’t know it
“For the women who are ambitious or ladies ‘out-earning’ their family, friends, and romantic options, we frequently receive accusations of hubris,” says Holcomb. “We are often made to feel that we must ‘humble’ ourselves to be ‘deserving’ of the love and luxury that women of every other background are allowed to enjoy without nearly the same degree of scrutiny.”
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Source: PeopleImages / Getty
Nay-sayers, or just realists?
Holcomb says that those who don’t come from financially blessed backgrounds might face some realists who feel like nay-sayers along their journey. “It can be hard to make ‘big moves’ when sometimes well-intentioned people in their network do not think the decisions are rational or realistic. The sacrifice requires significant time and financial investments. It is a tough situation to navigate due to the disparities many of us from disenfranchised communities experience. There is not the same capital or resources to begin with, so it is a gamble to do anything outside of the norm.”
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Source: The Good Brigade / Getty
Sometimes, you must be your own role model
Speaking about those who are the first in their family or community to make big moves, Holcomb says, “There may not be many mentors around or people who have done what you are aspiring to do. It takes a great deal of what is now called ‘grit’ to overcome these mental and physical roadblocks. I have felt financially insecure and uncomfortable very often in my journey, which briefly made me question why I dared to do something so ‘different’ and inconvenient.”
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Source: NickyLloyd / Getty
Trying to shine a light, not cast a shadow
“Statistically, we are showing the most growth in education and entrepreneurship than the majority of other demographics, which again, for a wounded person can be triggering or create feelings of indignation tied to their own sense of self,” says Holcomb. “The irony is Black women end up loving themselves even louder to offset the celebration and support deficiency.”
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Source: PeopleImages / Getty
Self-belief has tangible consequences
We asked Holcomb why not being ashamed to believe in yourself is important, and she said, “In my opinion, belief in self is the seed for any endeavor to blossom. The vision may never come to pass if it is not watered by the person who received it and fights for it to not be trampled by the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of others.”
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Source: Jose Luis Pelaez / Getty
Icons heard “No,” they just didn’t listen
“When you examine the success stories of so many of the public figures we admire, they believed in themselves when nobody else did,” Holcomb reminds us. “They did not accept hearing ‘No.’ They were persistent. The consistency of their belief manifested in the empires and influence they have today.”
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Source: PeopleImages / Getty
You can’t bring along those who want to stay behind
Holcomb admits that believing in yourself can mean having to take space from those who aren’t doing their personal work. “People who are not equally yoked will usually become offended, negative, or otherwise inconsistent as a result, so growing apart may be for the benefit of all parties. If I cannot be honest enough to share my feelings with them in a safe and productive way that strengthens the connection, that connection may not be best for this season.”
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Source: electravk / Getty
Be prepared to go it alone…at first
“I can confidently say that there was never a moment where I felt ashamed or unworthy of going after what I wanted because the adversity I had survived made it worth the gamble to aim higher,” says Holcomb. “Sadly, not everyone is able to protect their mindset if it is heavily dependent upon validation and support of other people.”
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