How Unhealed Wounds Hold You Back
Source: MonicaNinker / Getty
There are practical reasons people with mental illness or unhealed trauma fail to seek professional help, like financial difficulties, or a lack of access to proper care. However, a team of researchers at the Massachusetts General Hospital who surveyed over 200 participants with issues ranging from depression to substance abuse problems found that money and access are not the biggest factors holding one back from seeking care. Shame. Embarrassment. A certain stigma in their social group or culture. These were reasons that came up far more often for individuals who need the help of a mental health professional but are not seeking it out.
Often in life, we learn the rewarding lesson that when we stop caring what others think we start to enjoy ourselves and find success much more. But that can be a particularly difficult philosophy to live by for those struggling with mental health or emotional matters. And yet, they could benefit from it the most because unhealed, true emotional trauma can really hold one back in life. We spoke with therapist Lacrisha Holcomb (IG: @TherapyisLight) about this topic. In addition to a being mental health professional, Holcomb is an activist working to dissolve some of the stigmas around discussing and treating mental health in underserved communities, and the owner of Therapy Is Light.
Source: Lacrisha took these photos / na
Holding it all in, or holding on too tight
“Feelings of possessiveness, gaslighting tactics, and lack of boundaries,” are some ways Holcomb says unhealed emotional wounds can manifest themselves in romantic relationships. She explains that “An individual can develop a fear of retaliation or ended connection. Another individual may believe their emotional survival requires protecting their true feelings at all costs in attempts to prevent themselves from being hurt.”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: DjelicS / Getty
Trying to gain control, but really losing it
“Another [person] may become controlling in hopes of preventing any additional ‘loss’ or painful situation in which they did not have agency or power to influence in the past,” says Holcomb. But we really only hurt ourselves when we do that, says Holcomb, stating that “The truth is that we usually hurt ourselves more in efforts to protect ourselves from being vulnerable because the burden of that weighs heavy on our minds, bodies, and souls.”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: Jasmin Merdan / Getty
Suppressed pain now comes out later
Holcomb describes the important link between our suppressed emotions and physical health issues. “Numerous studies cite the link between suppressed emotions that later appear as rewired neural pathways and chronic illness, both mental and physical. Our hearts, bodies, and spirits truly keep the score on a physiological level. The true feelings do not disappear. They are just buried under trauma and can become projected onto our loved ones in harmful ways.”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: F.J. Jimenez / Getty
Running from childhood neglect
When someone is possessive in a relationship, Holcomb says it may be because they “Grapple with unresolved feelings of neglect or feeling insignificant during their childhood for various reasons (strained parental relationships, absent parent(s), detached Attachment Style of a parent or guardian).” As a result, she says these individuals can be deeply upset when their romantic partner has any emotional connections outside of the relationship and can aim to control their partner.
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: Dean Mitchell / Getty
Resorting to childhood tactics
If a person was neglected as a child and had to resort to gaslighting techniques to get attention, they may continue to do so as an adult, explains Holcomb. “This individual may have been influenced by dysfunctional dynamics of receiving attention, and resort to gaslighting techniques involving emotional stonewalling.” She says this can sometimes include giving the silent treatment, rather than communicating when upset, but states that these tactics “Are actually emotionally abusive in nature.”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: Anna Frank / Getty
Feeling like you must give to be loved
Holcomb explains that some individuals may have had experiences that ingrained in them the idea that they are only as valuable as what they can do for others. As such, boundary issues can occur, which Holcomb describes as, “Merit-based measures of obtaining approval, validation, and affection such as saying ‘yes’ to behaviors, activities, and treatment that one does not want to accept.” She says they accept these treatments anyway because they believe it could “Lead to friction or a breakup if they express their authentic feelings.”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: Maskot / Getty
What sorts of experiences cause boundary issues?
“A plethora of emotional wounds can create a lack of boundaries,” explains Holcomb. “Some individuals experienced emotional or physical abuse. Some individuals grew up in environments where displays of love and acknowledgment were tied to achievement. Others inherited a ‘Hero’ archetype and felt responsible for being the savior of their loved ones, caused by imbalanced physical and emotional labor being required of the individual who now feels the need to mask their authentic feelings.”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: kali9 / Getty
Unhealed wounds and your career
Unhealed wounds don’t just impact our personal relationships – they can affect our careers, too, says Holcomb. “For many of us, we work more than we spend time with our loved ones. The workplace becomes a ‘second family,’ whether that was a healthy or dysfunctional family. You can see triangulation between supervisors and those they manage because each individual brings their family memories to the table and triggering can be very subtle.”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: pixelfit / Getty
Sibling rivalries and coworker tensions
Holcomb provides some examples of ways childhood/family dynamics play out in the workplace. “The person who quarreled with a sister or brother endlessly may frequently find themselves in disagreement with directives from management or co-workers. A person who felt like their sibling was the ‘favorite’ may overwork or throw other peers under the table in efforts to brownnose management and fulfill the sense of not feeling valued as a wounded child.”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: ljubaphoto / Getty
Is that your director, or your dad?
Holcomb says those who developed problems with authority as kids may play that out as adults, at work. That may be “The rebellious coworker who always has a snide remark to make about the manager no matter how great (or not) of a job they are doing because they have unresolved tension towards authority figures of their youth that are indiscriminately projected upon anyone in a position to ‘tell them what to do.’”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: svetikd / Getty
If we don’t heal it, we just re-live it
Projecting the feelings from past trauma onto current situations can be a risk, says Holcomb, and it makes it difficult to see situations clearly. “Oftentimes when we have not healed our own wounds, we will unconsciously and subconsciously replay scenarios in which we felt slighted or victimized.”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: Chuanchai Pundej / EyeEm / Getty
You’re the victim, even when you aren’t
Leaving old wounds unhealed and projecting that pain onto new scenarios, “Can result in a lack of accountability,” explains Holcomb. She says this is “Due to a mental perspective rooted in a valid childhood or past injustice that is being projected onto the other party in the disagreement.” But it’s being projected onto this individual, whether or not they are in the wrong.
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: blackCAT / Getty
Toxic positivity and your healing journey
When asked why so many people fear addressing their trauma, Holcomb says, “We are often socialized into a culture of ‘Toxic Positivity’ that does not allow the space for us to grieve and express ourselves without assuming an unnatural optimistic disposition and unsolicited ‘fixer’ role. We become conditioned to view it as a failure for something to impact us on a deep level and are left to feel shame and guilt as we ruminate in the wounds.”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: Westend61 / Getty
Or we share in the wrong places
Some individuals are willing to discuss their wounds, but seek the wrong audience, which can push them back into the dark. “This social culture can also result in over-sharing in unsafe spaces like public social media platforms rather than with the empathy, compassion, and techniques offered in a personal therapeutic setting with a trained helping professional who has the tools to guide the processing of these events,” says Holcomb.
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
Source: LumiNola / Getty
An encouraging push from a professional
To anyone hesitant to address emotional wounds or seek professional help, Holcomb says, “It is human to feel bad and in a dark space when things hurt us. You do not have to numb yourself or pretend to be okay when you are not. Believe in your ability to recover. Allow yourself the grace to fall apart, knowing that you are literally wired to pull yourself back together again. Your tear ducts were not created by mistake. This is our body’s way of releasing that built-up emotional tension. Hurt cannot hold you hostage unless you give it permission to. You free yourself when you feel.”
- Protected: The Sound Of Movement: Ledisi Reflects On The Power Of Protest Music And Self-Love In ‘The Crown’
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
- Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
