How To Peacefully Co-Exist With Your Co-Parent’s New Partner
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Co-parenting can be challenging on a regular day, but when you factor romantic partners into the equation, the complexities of raising children together can multiply. Stereotypes lead us to believe that if there is an ex-wife and a girlfriend or wife present in a co-parenting family, then there will be strife and volatility. After all, it can feel a little unnatural to have to continue a relationship with an ex after the romance has died, and having to interact with their new partner can be even more awkward. However, it is possible and quite common for people to get along with their co-parent’s new partner or at the very least, to peacefully co-exist with a co-parent’s new partner. Here’s how.
Be cordial
Be friendly at most and cordial at the very least. Any time a woman finds out there’s a child and ex-partner on the scene, she may be tempted to assume the worst. Unfortunately, ex-partners are often stereotyped as bitter baby mamas who are looking to sabotage their ex’s new girl. We, of course, know that this not always true. And while you have nothing to prove, it can be beneficial to all parties involved. That said, you also don’t want to be too quick to strike up a full-blown friendship too early in the relationship before you get to know one another, as this can also cause conflict later down the line. Take it nice and slow.
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Set up a meet and greet
As a mom, it is well within your right to know what kind of person will be around your child, so it’s not unreasonable to request a meet and greet if your co-parent’s partner will be in your child’s presence. The purpose of the meeting is obviously not to grill her but to get a feel for her personality, tell her more about your child, and of course, to pick up on any potential red flags. Be firm, but respectful.
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Make the child the primary focus
At the end of the day, the shared interest that you all have is your child’s wellbeing. So continue to make that the focus. It’s easy to become distracted by other things — especially if you still have feelings for your ex or harbor resentment about the way things ended between the two of you. You’ll never lose by putting your child first.
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Take inventory of the things you can and can’t control
As moms, it’s easy to fall victim to the temptation of wanting to be in control of all things. However, when co-parenting, it’s especially important to release the things that you cannot control. While your co-parent should definitely take your wishes into consideration, it’s virtually impossible to control everything that happens in another person’s home. Yes, try to create uniformity between households for the child, but everything won’t be exactly the same.
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Mind your business
At the end of the day, your child and the things that affect your child is your business. Nothing else. The relationship that your co-parent shares with your partner is none of your business. Resist the temptation to make comments about their situation. It will only open Pandora’s box.
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If there is a problem address your co-parent first
Conflict is natural and there may be times when you will need to speak up on your child’s behalf. Never shy away from advocating for your child, but you should always address your co-parent first since that is who you have a child with. If you later find it necessary to address their partner, feel free.
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Check your ego
To co-parent effectively, egos must stay in check. The same applies to interacting with your co-parent’s partner. There’s an innocent child in the middle of all of this and they’re relying on the adults to create a peaceful, non-toxic environment. Don’t let your unchecked ego be the reason that your child is subjected to unnecessary stress and division.
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Do your work
If you’re still experiencing negative emotions as a result of your former relationship with your co-parent, deal with those feelings. There’s no shame in admitting that you’re still hurting as a result of how things went down. While you can’t change the past, you can work with a therapist who can equip you with the tools you need to manage these feelings.
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If you dislike her for personal reasons, don’t involve your child
It’s possible that you won’t like her for reasons unrelated to how she treats your child. If this becomes the case, try to avoid badmouthing her in front of your child as much as possible. For one, kids have no filter and it’s very likely that he or she will go back and repeat something that they heard. Not only will this cause unnecessary friction, but it will place your child in an uncomfortable position when they’re with their other parent. Additionally, it may cause them to feel as though they have to choose sides.
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Put yourself in her shoes
This is a complicated situation for everyone, so if she’s not being nasty to you and is treating your child with kindness and prioritizing their well-being, as much as possible, try to have a bit of compassion. It’s easy to pass judgement on an ex’s girlfriend or wife, but the reality is that for the present time, she is a part of your blended family in some ways.
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