Can You Date Someone Healing From Trauma?

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Research shows that potentially 70 percent of American adults have experienced a traumatic event at least once in their lives. Furthermore, though it may come as no surprise that 90 percent of kids who are exposed to school shootings or victims of sexual abuse develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it may surprise you that 35 percent of youth living in urban areas who witness community violence also develop PTSD. With these numbers in mind, you may be starting to realize there is a good chance you know someone dealing with trauma. You probably know several people, and you may become romantically involved with someone in the thick of that battle.

If we could craft and manipulate life as we liked, well, trauma wouldn’t happen in the first place. But even if it still did, we would at least get to choose the timeline of our healing. But, that’s just not the case. Life doesn’t pause while you heal. It’s pretty unfair like that. It also means that you might meet someone who is still healing from trauma, and fall in love. Or at least see a lot of potential for a relationship. We asked licensed clinical mental health counselor Shanita Burgess (IG: @shanita__b), M.Ed. what to know about dating someone with trauma.

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It’s not a deal-breaker

In response to the question, “Can you date someone recovering from trauma?” Burgess said, “Of course! Dating someone who has survived any type of trauma requires patience and effective communication just like any other relationship. While different forms of trauma can present different concerns, there are a few things to keep in mind that make dating a survivor a whole lot easier for both parties.”

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Take their feelings seriously

“Validate your partner’s experience when they share details or feelings surrounding trauma,” advises Burgess. “Being vulnerable in this way can be really scary for the person sharing and they want to know that you’re a safe person to share with.” If you do have stories of your own trauma, consider sharing them with your partner, since research has found, hearing about others’ abuse can help victims begin to heal.

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Keep all comments supportive

Research has also found that, when someone receives negative comments in response to sharing their trauma, it can increase symptoms of PTSD, and that that string of events is more common among African American trauma survivors than Caucasian survivors. It’s also important to note that it’s far less common for Black individuals to open up about their trauma to a non-formal contact (such as a friend vs a therapist) than other groups, so if your partner does open up to you, it’s critical that you welcome that information with supportive words.

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Educate yourself

“If you’re not sure what they need or how to support them, ask questions! You’re not expected to know everything,” says Burgess. “Be understanding. There may be certain triggers that your significant other has that may affect how you do things. For example, you may have to be more aware of the volume of your voice when communicating, even when frustrated.”

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More on watching your volume

Speaking to Burgess’ comment about watching the volume of your voice around trauma survivors, it is important to know that, if your partner was yelled at as a child, that’s impacted the way he or she thinks. Being yelled at frequently increases stress hormones in the bloodstream, over-activates certain parts of the brain, and can forever make someone extra sensitive to yelling.

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You can’t rush things

“Recovery takes time. Be patient in your partner’s growth,” advises Burgess. It could be easier to find patience if you better understand the brain of a trauma survivor. Every human mind has certain systems in place that activate when there is a perceived threat. However, the simplest way to explain trauma brain, is that the mind keeps these systems active, all of the time, or much of the time, even when there is no perceived threat. This person lives in a heightened state of anxiety, preparing for a threat that is (probably) not coming.

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Do not attempt to control them

“Never pressure your partner to do something that they are uncomfortable doing. In a lot of traumatic situations your partner may have felt out of control over their body or over their environment,” says Burgess. “You never want your partner to feel like you are trying to control them as this can be re-traumatizing.”

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Trauma brain doesn’t like authority

Speaking more to Burgess’ point about trying to control a partner who has trauma, it’s important to know that individuals with trauma can be particularly resistant to domineering personalities or authority. In fact, PTSD and a condition called Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) often go hand-in-hand. ODD is characterized by argumentative or defiant behavior, irritability, and vindictiveness.

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Trauma and separation anxiety

If you feel that your partner waivers between not wanting to be told what to do at all, and panicking when you disengage, that isn’t entirely uncommon. While ODD is one of the most common conditions to coexist with trauma, another one is separation anxiety. So you may be facing a mindset of, “Leave me alone…but don’t leave me.”

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Racism and PTSD

We may think of PTSD as only being linked to a severe, one-time event (such as witnessing a shooting or being in war), but research has found that being an ongoing victim of racism can also cause PTSD. When someone experiences frequent micro-aggressions of a racist nature, it puts their mind into the same state of paranoia as other PTSD sufferers. Not only has it been proven that Blacks experience more instances of discrimination than other groups, but it’s also been shown that having more of those experiences directly correlates with a higher incidence of PTSD.

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