The Right And Wrong Way To Hold Your Friends Accountable - Page 2
Source: nattrass / Getty
Over the last decade or so, accountability has become quite the buzz word as it relates to relationships and friendships. However, somewhere along the way, people have distorted and perverted the term and its true meaning.
“Holding ourselves and everyone else accountable generally tends to connote negative consequences for actions that are harmful or inconsistent with the expectations of service that are associated with a role,” explains Miki Kashtan, Ph.D., in an essay for Psychology Today. “If someone’s actions have a harmful effect, however small or large, instead of castigating the person, we can aim to understand the needs and circumstances that resulted in the action.”
In most relationships, you’ll find that people generally have a natural tendency to hold one another accountable and take accountability for their actions. However, there are some relationships in which you’ll find that the accountability dynamic is grossly imbalanced. In some scenarios, you’ll find people who completely evade accountability alongside friends and relatives who enable by never holding their loved ones accountable. In other scenarios, you have people who are obsessed with accountability (or at the very least, their definition of accountability) and thus they adopt a tyrannical approach and wreak havoc on their loved ones, all in their quest for accountability.
Here’s are some of the right and wrong ways to hold your friends accountable.
Holding someone accountable is correcting them in private
When you truly care about a person, you tend to care about their self-esteem and emotional well-being. As a result, whenever possible, you will seek to correct them privately as opposed to doing so in front of an audience.
Source: pixdeluxe / Getty
Holding someone accountable is resisting the temptation to rescue them from the consequences of their actions
When you love someone, you may feel tempted to step in as a savior of sorts when they are faced with consequences brought on by their actions. Perhaps, you’ll even lecture them and attempt to make it a teachable moment. Experience is the best teacher so it’s okay to step back sometimes and allow the chips to fall where they may.
Source: DjelicS / Getty
Holding a person someone accountable is establishing and enforcing boundaries
All relationships require boundaries. Boundaries help you to teach others how to treat you and when they are violated, consequences should follow. Of course, consequences don’t have to be punitive. They can be as simple as a firm but direct conversation, but the issue should be addressed.
Source: PeopleImages / Getty
Holding someone accountable is demonstrating empathy
Empathy does not have to be absent in the presence of accountability. It is possible to hold a person responsible for their actions while also demonstrating compassion and trying to understand things from their perspective. You do not have to be cold or demeaning.
Source: Georgijevic / Getty
Holding someone accountable is being honest
When people whom we love ask for our opinions, it’s easy to sugarcoat our responses or even flat-out lie in order to protect their feelings and avoid uncomfortable conversations. However, it’s possible to be honest and tell people that they are wrong in a loving way.
Source: Jasmin Merdan / Getty
Holding someone accountable is not humiliating them
Some have a habit of masking their mean girl antics and adult bullying under the guise of adult bullying. You can often suss these women out because they’re usually the ones shouting from the rooftops about accountability as a means of justifying the tearing down, ostracization, and humiliation of another person.
Source: MStudioImages / Getty
Holding someone accountable is not being judgmental or self-righteous
We all know someone who enjoys putting others down while simultaneously exalting themselves. They are extremely critical of the people in their lives and enjoy playing the roles of judge and jury in the lives of their loved ones. They enjoy it when others are down as it feeds their egos and self-esteem.
Source: BraunS / Getty
Holding someone accountable is not babysitting
Try as we might, it’s impossible to control the actions of another adult. However, sometimes in our attempts to be an accountability partner of sorts, we fall into the role of babysitter. The most that you can do is offer your support. The rest is up to the other person.
Source: Fuse / Getty
Holding someone accountable is not trying to control them
Accountability is not about control. Our loved ones are not puppets. They should be free to make their own decisions — even when those decisions don’t fall in alignment with our beliefs or values. If you find it necessary to offer your input, do that and then keep it moving.
Source: Anna Frank / Getty
Accountability is not punishment
We are all human, which means none of us are perfect. We will all fall short at some point or another. It is not up to us to punish or teach our friends or loved ones a lesson when they inevitably mess up. Maintain personal boundaries, of course, but it’s also important to show grace.
