When He Asks Your Parents For Your Hand, And They Say "No."

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Whether or not men should still go to a woman’s father and ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage is something that sparks much debate. Some think it’s incredibly unfeminist for one man to ask another man if he can essentially assume the caretaking of a woman. Others think it’s an important tradition – a way of honoring the fact that the father protected and provided for that woman all of these years, and the boyfriend wouldn’t dare take over that role without first discussing it with him. Wherever you fall on the issue, it may still happen that your partner asks your parents for your hand, and your parents might say no.

That’s when things get awkward. Typically, if someone asks the question, they’re already expecting the answer to be yes. Otherwise, they probably wouldn’t have asked. It can cause a lot of upset when that answer is no. It can cause strains on the relationship between the groom and his would-be in-laws. It can create tension between the groom and bride. It can cause a lot of resentment between the bride and her parents. It’s hard to know how to move forward from this moment. So we asked couples counselor, Dr. Laura Louis, how to move forward when you ask for her parents’ blessing, and they say no.

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Consider the culture

Dr. Louis reminds us that in some cultures, it’s expected that the parents choose a daughter’s partner. So when a man takes it upon himself to choose himself, and simply ask the parents as a formality, that can cause tension. “When that [letting the parents decide the partner] doesn’t happen, it just becomes a problem. Depending on the parents’ level of comfort with some of our western norms, that can become an issue,” says Dr. Louis.

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How to contend with conflicting cultures

Dr. Louis says if this is a cultural difference, there may be some things you can do to make the other parents more comfortable. “If there are differences in beliefs about the level of involvement in parents choosing the partner, you can get the parents involved in some of the courtship,” says Dr. Louis. She suggests having the bride’s parents meet the groom’s parents “So they feel a little more comfortable with where they come from and what they both mutually bring to the table.”

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Sometimes, a blessing won’t come

Dr. Louis advises the couple to have a direct conversation with the parents about how they can alleviate their concerns, but recognizes that sometimes, that will only go so far. “Sometimes they [the couple] just have to decide ‘I’m doing this. I want you to be involved. I want you to be okay with it. But if you’re not, I need you to be silently supportive. If you can’t say anything good, then just back up,” says Dr. Louis.

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Uncover the concerns

I asked Dr. Louis what are some common reasons parents say no to the request and she said, “It might be financial issues. That is sometimes a reason,” says Dr. Louis. “Concerns of ‘This person isn’t stable. This person can’t provide in a certain way,’ or ‘They’re not yet that established to transition into marriage.’” If the parents are already so traditional that they’d expect a man to ask their permission to marry their daughter, they may also carry these traditional ideas about who the provider should be in a marriage.

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Show them you’ve thought about that

If the parents do worry about the financial future of the couple, “Communicate the meaning that the union has,” advises Dr. Louis. “Say, ‘I really care about your daughter, and I really see a future here because of X,Y, and Z. I think we can really build something together based on this or that.’ Being communicative about what the marriage means…I think that can be very meaningful. And being willing to listen.”

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What not to say

I asked Dr. Louis for advice on how couples should respond to this situation. “Don’t say ‘I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me,’” advises Dr. Louis. “Having a very rigid view about the parents, that can cause further problems. Just be open to talking. Be open to listening as well. Sometimes we just need to observe things, and that reveals to us what the issues are.”

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What about the bride’s feelings?

I wanted to take a moment to ask Dr. Louis what she felt about the tradition of asking a woman’s parents’ for her hand. She shared her own story: “When I got married, I was 25. My dad wanted my husband to ask for my hand in marriage, and it did feel a little antiquated.  We’re southern. My dad has a lot of southern views. Which, most of them, I can appreciate. But it did feel antiquated, given my age, my level of independence, and just my views about gender roles. All of that felt antiquated to me.”

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But some traditions remain

“In my experience as a couples’ therapist, most often, having egalitarian gender roles, where there’s a sense of shared power, that tends to work best, versus a man asking another man for your hand. That seems antiquated to me,” says Dr. Louis. However, it turned out that her dad’s desire to have her husband ask for his permission was rooted in another tradition: he knew he’d pay for the wedding. Her dad believed the bride’s parents pay for the wedding. So the question, “Can I marry your daughter?” had financial implications for him. Had her husband not asked, and they’d just said “We’re engaged” that could have come off as, “You’re paying for a wedding you didn’t agree to!”

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If issues persist, you must play mediator

If you do just have to push on and marry a man, even when your parents didn’t give their blessing, there may always be some tension. And you have to set the boundaries surrounding how your parents respect your partner, says Dr. Louis. “I always recommend that, whoever is connected to that family member, that be the person who sets the boundary. You have a certain level of relationship equity with your mom. If your partner tries to say something to your parent, it’s going to come off a lot differently. If your partner says it, the conflict can escalate, and their relationship will not recover. But your relationship with your family will recover.”

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Give your partner even more support

If your parents are openly disapproving of your partner, he’s going to need a little extra show of enthusiasm from you, says Dr. Louis. “Show you’re optimistic about the future. Show your partner he has YOUR support, regardless of your parents’.” Even if you do echo some of your parents’ concerns about your partner’s job or financial situation, saying, “My parents are right” can make him feel ganged up on.