What To Do (And Not Do) After A Breakup

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Breakups are emotionally taxing. No matter how old you are, they never get any easier. That’s because there’s no age limit on having hopes and expectations surrounding love. Most people want that type of close, intimate relationship in their lives, and when it doesn’t work out, it’s very painful. You were attached, so then you must detach, and that process isn’t always easy. You feel vulnerable. You may want to do impulsive things to avoid the pain, like immediately jump into another relationship (that likely won’t work out, because you’re still healing), or drink, or spend too much money.

Unfortunately, there’s no quick fix for the pain of a breakup. Looking for one usually just means postponing the pain, and even allowing it to grow. But what are you supposed to do when the pain is too much? Don’t you just want someone to take your hand and walk you through it? While nobody can completely coddle you after a breakup, because your friends and family have their own lives to lead, you can get advice from a self-love expert on how to best manage the transition. And that’s just what we did. We spoke with licensed social worker Deana Davis, (IG: @deanadavis_lws) author of “The Self Love Workbook,” about what to do immediately after a breakup.

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Avoid re-living it

Davis first went over some things one shouldn’t do following a breakup, and the first thing she mentions is “Negative self-talk about what you could have done differently to prevent the breakup. I always tell my clients that things fall apart for a reason and that the relationship will come back if it is meant to be.”

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Staying in touch, even indirectly

“Stalking your ex’s social media is another behavior that you should avoid after a breakup. This will often rehash old feelings that will keep you in the cycle of heartache,” says Davis. She adds, “Maintaining close relationships with your ex’s family and friends is another behavior that will prolong the pain in getting over your ex.”

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Get back to loving yourself

“If I could take a client through activities and exercises that would be best for her emotional well-being, I would advise her to complete my 30 Day Self-Love workbook,” says Davis. “In order to truly heal from a breakup, she would have to learn how to love herself first.”

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Re-focus your energy

“My workbook will provide [clients with] a 30-day framework of shifting her focus from her breakup and back to authentically loving herself,” says Davis. “It is also filled with 30 daily activities that will help with shifting her focus from her breakup to her emotional well-being.”

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Just do you, for now

“The days and weeks following a breakup should be centered around healing and getting back to your authentic self,” advises Davis. “It should consist of you rewiring your previous routine and getting to know yourself all over again. It should also consist of you standing in your power and doing what makes you happy. This could be in the form of exercising, meditating, spending time in nature, hanging with friends and family, or shifting your attention to your career.”

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Calculating the real value of the ex

When asked what someone should think about or assess after a breakup, Davis said, “I would advise my clients to ask themselves if their ex-partner added value to their lives or not. I like to have my clients think about the value or lack of value their ex-partner brought to their life as a self-worth exercise. By helping them to see they are worth more than someone who doesn’t add value to their life, it helps them to learn the lesson that they do not have to settle.”

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Admitting the red flags

“I would also ask my clients to see if there were any red flags they ignored in the beginning of their relationship that potentially caused the breakup. In most cases, clients will admit there were red flags they ignored because they liked other qualities about their ex-partner,” says Davis. We cover commonly overlooked red flags here.

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Be gentle with yourself

I asked Davis if there are certain thoughts clients may express after a breakup, that won’t be helpful in the healing process. “Negative thoughts such as ‘It’s all my fault’, ‘I’m worthless,’ ‘I will never be in a relationship again,’ and ‘I deserved this’ are not productive thoughts to have following a breakup,” says Davis.

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Focus on the positive

“I try to encourage my clients to remain positive and to shift their focus to productive things that will add value to their lives. I also encourage my clients to be patient with themselves during the healing process following a breakup. Clients will blame themselves after a major breakup and I simply advise them to learn how to forgive themselves for the things they allowed to happen during their relationship.”

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Appreciate the lesson in the experience

“Quite often we do not know what we accept or do not accept from our partners until after it has happened; this is what I like to call a ‘life lesson,’” says Davis. “Breakups are meant to teach us lessons about relationships. The true key is how you handle the breakup and the way you process your emotions during your healing phase.”