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Research on friendship has found that close social relationships during old age can be incredibly beneficial to one’s wellbeing, especially because, at that time, many other close relationships – like those with a spouse or family member – may have come to an end. So when your mom or some other authority figure reminds you to “Cherish your friends,” she’s onto something.
Perhaps you already knew the important role friendship would play throughout your life, but if you’re currently experiencing a shift in your friendships, that could bring great anxiety. It’s not uncommon for there to be some turnover in your friend group several times throughout your life. In fact, research has found that most individuals slowly but steadily shrink their friend group as they get older. But there may be one phase of life when you notice it happening rapidly: your 30s. So much changes about you and your life when you enter your 30s, and for that reason, how you manage friendships and what you need from friends changes too. We spoke with Deana Davis, author of “Self Love Workbook: 30 Day Challenge” about why friendships shift during this particular age.
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Growing up and outgrowing each other
“Transitioning from your 20’s into your 30’s is a huge shift and it causes some people to take the notion of settling down more seriously. Marital status, childbirth, and settling into your career can all occur during this time span for some. These major life changes could cause friends to grow apart or fall out due to a shift in one’s focus, priorities, and values.”
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A very busy decade
Supporting Davis’ statements about settling down in your 30s is the fact that the median age for a first marriage for American women is just shy of 28, and for men, it’s just shy of 30. The average age at which an American woman has her first child is just shy of 27. With these numbers in mind, it’s easy to see how, by one’s early 30s, there would be many priorities overshadowing friendship.
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Some stay “forever young”
With regards to settling down, Davis says, “Everyone does not shift into this phase at the same time, so essentially there will be some friends that want to maintain the energy of their reckless 20s and have no desire to change, while others are looking to settle down and doing away with the behaviors of their 20s.”
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How we stay young
There have been changes in developmental patterns from one generation to the next, and some shed light on how millennials in particular hold onto their youth a bit longer than others. For one thing, millennials go further in education than any previous generation, meaning they stay in that student mindset and phase of life longer. And while we identified the average age Americans get married today, it’s also important to note that as many as six in 10 millennials have never been married. It’s a generation that seems to be split between those who do things the “old fashioned way” and those who want nothing to do with that.
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A change in values
“Around this age, people begin to hone in on their values and their life purpose. It is around this age that there is a change in their interests, and people begin to think about life and their future differently due to major life changes. They begin to think about the energy around them and the positive/negative personalities that are in their life,” says Davis.
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Choosing family over friends
Though we may think of the teen years as very selfish years when one only thinks of themselves, and of pleasure, it appears some of that wears off by early adult years. Studies have found that young adults would prioritize a choice that benefited their parents over their friends, if they were forced to choose. Additional research found that the majority of parents feel cut off from friends during early parenting years, and one study found friendship bonds often decrease during early parenthood. So whether it’s towards one’s parents or children, early adulthood pulls one’s attention towards family and away from friends.
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A change in interests
“The things they used to enjoy and the people they used to enjoy doing these activities with begin to change when their life takes a different direction from the people, places, and things they used to enjoy,” says Davis. On the topic of a change in hobbies, studies have found that 28 percent of millennials now prefer to stay in and drink at home than go out, and society has decided that going clubbing at age 37 is “tragic,” and should really stop by age 31.
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Don’t panic; real friends will stick around
“To those struggling, I would encourage them not to take this transformation personal. I am a huge believer that relationships form and break apart for a reason,” says Davis. “Every relationship has a season and a true friendship will never die due to major life changes, distance, or the birth of a child.”
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The expiration date on friends
Research has found that your friend group will go through some major turnover roughly every seven years. Participants were surveyed at the beginning of a seven-year period and at the end of it, and reported only having around 30 percent of the original friendship group from the start of the trial period. The research does say that the simple ability to be near each other and often (like at work or school) was a major predictor of the success of a friendship.
Process, heal, and keep moving
“With growth comes maturity,” says Davis. “We all grow and mature at different rates. Allow yourself time to heal and process this transformative period in your life.” We grabbed the above quote from Davis’ Instagram page, because it seems to pertain to friendships, as well as romantic relationships. Your good friends will still be there, even if you go through some changes, because the pillars of your bond cannot be shaken by things like parenthood or distance.
