Why People Choose One-Sided Relationships - Page 3

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Yesterday, we posed a question to help you discover whether you’re doing all of the work in your relationship. Today, we’re going to dive into why that might be the case if you are.

Social relationships – those with friends and romantic partners – are meant to enrich one’s life. A person’s desire to be social and have intimate relationships comes from a long-standing, evolutionary trend through which those with these types of relationships stood the greatest chance at survival. And those with the greatest chance of survival went onto have children, hence, passing on that genetic disposition to look for intimate relationships. It’s in our blood to want friends and lovers. But relationships are much more complicated today than they were hundreds of years ago.

Today, to be supportive of a friend or partner involves many behaviors and obligations. It’s complicated. You want a partner who supports your career goals and encourages personal growth. You want a partner who is protective of you without being possessive. Striking all of those intricate balances isn’t easy. And, perhaps for that reason, recognizing friends and partners who are good for us is also more complicated. That could be why many individuals find themselves in one-sided relationships; they have that ever-so-human need to be loved and share love, but execute misguided attempts in getting it. One-sided relationships are, one could argue, worse than having no relationships because they drain one of emotional resources. We spoke with Jordan Madison (IG: @therapyismyjam), licensed clinical marriage and family therapist, and creator of Therapy Is My J.A.M LLC, about why people get into one-sided relationships.

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What is a one-sided relationship?

One-sided relationships exist in different degrees of intensity. Some are so extreme that they veer towards a type of dependency, with one individual structuring their entire life around serving the needs of the other in order to receive what they believe to be love. At other times, signs could be more subtle such as only one individual upholding their commitments, no matter what, while the other only does so when it’s convenient, or nothing more appealing comes up. Overall, if you feel that you uplift someone else and make their life better, while they seem to only take from you the relationship may be one-sided.

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Is bad love better than no love?

“Fear of being alone,” Madison says, is one reason individuals choose such relationships. “They may see having people in their life, even if they are not a priority to them, as better than not having anyone at all.” Research has found that fear of being alone causes individuals to settle for less in relationships and plays a key role in unhealthy relationship behaviors. This trend is equally true for men and women.

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Self-worth issues

Low self-esteem is another cause Madison points to for choosing such relationships. Of those in one-sided relationships, Madison says, “They may not feel they are important enough to be prioritized or checked up on. They rather focus on the people around them, because their needs seem to be a bigger deal.”

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The link between self-esteem and relationships

Extensive research has been done on the link between one’s self-esteem and the quality of their social relationships. Studies have found a life-long reciprocal link between the two – each influencing the other strongly. In fact, the effects seem to aggregate through one’s lifetime; good self-esteem, starting at a young age, leads to healthier relationships, which boosts self-esteem more, which results in even better relationship choices and behaviors.

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The protector identity

Those who like to be a protector or a pillar in their social group may also find themselves in these relationships, says Madison. “They may take pride in being ‘The Strong friend.’ The one that everyone can come to about their problems. If that is the role they identify with, then they may not want to share what they are going through, out of fear of being vulnerable or looking weak.”

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Women as caretakers

Women often do take on the caretaker role in their relationships – both in their romantic relationships and within their family units. Research has found that women tend to perform more personal-care tasks for others in their family unit than men, and take on more of the emotional stress associated with caring for others. So women may be at risk of finding themselves in one-sided relationships, because of ‘The strong friend’ complex.

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Their parents didn’t prioritize them

Madison also says one’s childhood may have, to some degree, normalized one-sided relationships. “They don’t even realize the relationship is one-sided. If they have grown up with people or caretakers who only cared about themselves, and didn’t make them a priority, then they may not even know to look for that in their own relationships.”

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These relationships seem “normal”

These types of one-sided relationships might be all that someone knows if that parental support wasn’t there for them when they were kids. The relationships, “Can be seen as normal to them, so they wouldn’t even know to ask or expect reciprocity,” says Madison. Research has found that childhood neglect is a strong predictor of unhealthy relationships in adulthood, regardless of one’s gender, socioeconomic background, or other factors during childhood.

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Taking ownership in the choice

While there are some negative things that could be said about those who engage in one-sided relationships where they are the one doing all of the taking, if you’re on the giving end, it’s important to take ownership in that choice. Happiness won’t be found in trying to change the other person, but rather in doing your own healing so that you choose better relationships. Though it’s by no means easy in general, it is easier to heal yourself than to try to force others to change. It’s a big reason there must be self-love before there can be healthy love with others.