Potential Challenges Of Having Your First Child With Someone Who Already Has Kids

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When you’re a part of a blended family, the birth or impending birth of the first “ours” baby can trigger a flurry of mixed emotions. Particularly, when you are expecting your first child with a partner who already has children. As a first-time mom, you may feel everything from elation to panic, but you may find that your partner is on a completely different wavelength. Take Kevin Hart, for example. Recently, the father of four confessed that he had to work overtime to not be “the jaded dad” when it comes to his fourth and final child.

“I gotta be careful to not be the jaded dad, ya know, this is baby number four, so in the delivery room do you cry, no, you’ve seen it, you know the routine, I’m taking stuff out of the doctor’s hand, give it to me, let me cut the umbilical cord, put it under the lamp, I got it….”

Though Kevin’s word may seem harsh or insensitive, they’re actually quite honest and reflective of the experiences of some second, third, and fourth-time fathers. So since we’re on the subject, let’s talk about some of the other potential downsides of having your first child with a partner who already has kids.

He may not be as excited about firsts

When you’re a new mom, the temptation to gush about your child’s firsts. From the first bath to the first words, you will be in constant awe of your baby’s growth and development. While your partner may also feel some excitement over your child’s development, those precious moments may feel a little less magical as they have already experienced those moments with their older kids.

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He may be checked out during the pregnancy

Nearly 10 months of pregnancy can place you on quite the emotional rollercoaster. There are times when you’re excited, times when you’re frightened, times when you’re anxious about the ways your life will change, and times when you’re completely obsessed with nesting and preparing for your new bundle of joy. Unfortunately, many moms report being frustrated by disinterest and complacency on behalf of their partners. While they usually become excited by the time the child is born, some are just unphased by the highs and lows of pregnancy.

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He may not take your concerns seriously

Pregnancy and new parenthood can be a bit nerve-wracking. Every ache, pain, cough, or sniffle can cause you to imagine the worse. First-time moms are notoriously careful and protective of their little ones. And that’s not a bad thing. Unfortunately, more experienced parents sometimes have a tendency to be dismissive towards new moms and their concerns, which can result in frustration and resentment within the relationship.

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Possible jealousy from other kids

Any time a new baby is introduced to a family, there is a possibility that the older children will experience feelings of jealousy. However, when a baby is born into a blended family, those feelings can sometimes be exacerbated. The older children may experience fears of being replaced and losing the love of their biological parent. This can be extremely stressful on all parties involved as your family works overtime to make the older children feel secure while also tending to the needs of a helpless infant.

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Potential co-parent drama

While this is not the case for every family, the birth of another child can often result in a temporary rift between your partner and their co-parent. This can occur for a variety of reasons but in many cases, it stems from concerns, whether real or imagined, that the older children will be neglected or receive less because of the new baby. Those in healthy co-parenting relationships are usually able to overcome this obstacle; however, it doesn’t mean that it’s not stressful for all involved parties.

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He may be disenchanted with the whole process

When you’re expecting your first child, you have a tendency to romanticize what it will be like when your little bundle of joy is finally born, but experienced parents have a pretty clear idea of the heavy workload that babies and children bring to a household. For this reason, second and third-time dads may sometimes appear a bit disenchanted. It’s not that they’re not going to love the new baby, but they’re bracing for those sleepless nights and some of the many other challenges that may come with having a baby.

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He may not be as present as you need him to be

Babies are a hell of a lot of work, which means that you’ll be leaning on your partner often as you tackle parenthood as a team. However, when you have your own biological child, you will begin to notice exactly how much his other children need him as well. You may be spending much more time alone than you anticipated as there will be moments, especially when the baby is a newborn when he won’t be able to be as present or available to help you with the baby because the older children require attention. However, as the baby gets older, this issue should subside as you will be more mobile and able to tackle challenges and participate in actvities as a family.

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You don’t have the option to just think about you and your baby

When you give birth to your first biological child, you want to focus all of your energy and attention on ensuring that your baby is cared for and loved. However, the reality is that when you choose to become a part of a blended family, you no longer have the luxury of just worrying about you and your baby. You are also responsible for your bonus children and for virtually every decision that you make within your family, you will also have to take those children’s needs, wants, and well-being into consideration.

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You may feel resentful at times

Despite “knowing what you signed up for” and having a positive relationship with your bonus children, blending families is just difficult. And to be perfectly honest, there may be moments when you feel resentful towards your partner and your situation. These feelings should pass, but it can’t hurt to connect with a licensed therapist as you work through your feelings and adjust to your new normal.

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You may be frustrated by comparisons to your child’s siblings

If your child has older siblings, the comparisons are inevitable. Some moms report finding them frustrating, but as long as they don’t become unhealthy or appear as though they will begin to breed competition between the children, it’s best to just take it all in stride. People mean well and at the end of the day, everyone knows that your baby is an individual person and not a clone of their older sibling. This too shall pass.

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