How To Get Better At Ignoring Destructive Thoughts

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If you judge yourself for having destructive thought patterns, don’t: the person to the left of you, right of you, in front of you, and behind you has them, too. To some extent, they’re a part of life. To be human means to have the consciousness to dwell on the past, worry about the future, and judge ourselves – hard. It’s the nasty downside of having such evolved minds. But, we don’t have to act on every thought that crosses our minds. Learning to understand which thoughts you should act on, and which ones you should ignore, is a life-long skill that you’ll constantly improve upon and hone.

Never having negative or destructive thoughts is almost an unreachable goal. Anyone who tells you they never have them, well, they’re lying and setting unrealistic standards for others. Rather than hoping you no longer have thoughts you’re less-than-proud of, a more feasible and productive goal is to give those thoughts less power. That may be one of the biggest differences between people who are successful and happy and those who are, well, not. Many, many other factors contribute to one’s success and joy, of course, but this – ignoring destructive thoughts – is one factor you have some control over. We consulted a few mental health experts on how to get better at doing just that. Here’s what psychologist Margaret Seide MD, Faounder of Black Clinician Network Karena Curry, and Founder & CEO of Black Female Therapists, Amber Dee told us.

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Accept and analyze

“Negative thinking is something that we all do but it can be detrimental when we obsess over it, allow it to control our lives, and have us withdrawing from who we are with and what we are doing,” says Amber Dee. Trying hard to ignore the thought may not be the best course of action, though, as Dee adds, “Do you notice that when you try to stop thinking about something the intention tends to grow stronger?”

Dee notes, “Some studies have shown that the best way to handle this is by accepting the thought and working through it logically. Ask yourself questions such as what’s causing this thought? (who am I with, what am I doing, where am I at). What is my mood? (Am I nervous, guilty, irritated?)”

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You can acknowledge it but challenge it

Just because you let the thought remain active doesn’t mean you must agree with it. “Challenge your negative thoughts,” says Dee. “Ask yourself, why am I thinking this? Does this have any validity? Is this thought helpful? What am I telling myself? How can I change it? Have I experienced this thought before? If so, what was the result?”

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Win your case

Your next step, says Dee, should be “Changing the thought.” She says you can, “Find credible evidence against your thought. For example [if the thought is] I’m going to do horrible during this speech.’ Credible evidence [might be]: ‘My last speech received a standing ovation,’ ‘People on social media gave me so many comments about how my speech changed their lives’ [and] ‘I was asked to come back and speak again.’”

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Talk about it

“Bottling up and replaying those negative thoughts in your head won’t help much,” advises Dee. “Sometimes simply saying the negative thought aloud or venting for a few minutes to a friend, family member, or therapist often helps you see the situation in a new light. You can also have a discussion about the situation and, between the two of you, create a new narrative that eliminates the negative thought.”

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Hello old “friend”

Dr. Margaret Seide informs us that, “Negative and self-deprecating thoughts are dangerous. It is estimated that we think about 60,000 thoughts per day. We are not aware of the majority of those thoughts because they are mostly the same thoughts over and over again. So, by the time you become aware of a thought, you literally may have been thinking it thousands of times.”

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One thought is the tip of the iceberg

“Your mind is going and going and going all day long – even while you sleep; that’s what dreams are,” says Dr. Seide. “If I asked you right now, close your eyes and keep your mind blank for one minute unless you have been training in an ashram for years, you wouldn’t be able to do it. So, every negative thought you are aware of may actually represent thousands of negative thoughts.”

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How thoughts become action

“Thoughts such as ‘I’m so fat’ or ‘I suck at my job’ wear you down and the more you think about them, the truer they feel. These thoughts become your reality and you begin acting with those beliefs in mind,” says Dr. Seide. “You begin not going for that promotion or not going on that date. That is how thoughts impact your behavior.”

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Replace the thought

“It is crucial to learn to change the channel when you find yourself drowning in a sea of invalidating thoughts,” advises Dr. Seide. “Despite the wonders of our mental abilities, we can still only think one thought at a time. Therefore, when you are in the midst of negative self-talk, all you have to do is think of something else, anything else.”

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The new thought need not be complex

“Ideally, you would replace derogatory self-talk with positive and affirming thoughts, but that may not feel natural and may be difficult when you are feeling low,” notes Dr. Seide. “However, you can replace a negative thought with any other thought such as lyrics to a song, counting backward from 100, or thinking about the plot to the last movie you watched. This is an exercise worth doing because negative thoughts can erode self-confidence, affect your sleep, and lead to anxiety.”

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Hold court for your thoughts

Dr. Seide, like Amber Dee, encourages us to invalidate negative thoughts. “Learn to question the validity of your thoughts. If you are telling yourself that you’re going to lose your job any minute, ask yourself where is the evidence for this? What happened at your last performance evaluation? Why would your boss compliment your last project if she didn’t mean it? Most of our negative thoughts cannot withstand this sort of reality testing.”

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Consider the worst-case scenario

Dr. Seide notes that many of our negative thoughts involve hypothetical situations that haven’t/may never occur, and if they do, won’t be so bad. “Sometimes our negative thoughts come in the form of a series of ‘what ifs.’ The dreadful questions of what if this and what if that, and we usually never attempt to answer those questions.”

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Even the worst is never that bad

“If you are asking yourself, what if no one talks to me at this party, try answering the question for yourself,” suggests Dr. Seide. “If no one talks to me at this party, I will enjoy some hors d’oeuvres, stay for 15 minutes, and then go home and watch a movie. Is that so bad? When you frame it like that, it really nullifies the power of those crippling ‘what if’ questions.”

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A common source of negative thoughts

Karena Curry talks a bit about where negative thoughts tend to originate, saying, “Destructive thoughts about ourselves can come from many places, but the most commonplace is from a place of comparison. We are constantly looking at everyone’s idealistic lives around us on social media, and it tends to make us feel like we are lacking in some way. While we may not feel like we are actively comparing ourselves, we often have something in our minds that we perceive as a standard and oftentimes, it’s unrealistic.”

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What makes them so special?

“One thing that you can do when you find yourself being destructive to yourself or using what we call negative self-talk, is you can ask yourself, ‘Who/What am I comparing myself to, and who made them the standard?’” advises Curry. “By doing this, it challenges your own thought process and makes you look deeper into why you feel like you need to be in a different space than you currently are.”

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Try this positive self-talk, instead

Curry suggests some thoughts that may replace your negative ones. “A few other things you can actively tell yourself instead of engaging in negative self-talk are:

1. I am enough, and what I want for myself is sufficient and requires no other approval.
2. I create the standard for my life.
3. I am currently doing my best to be the best version or myself even if it doesn’t seem so to others.”