Signs Your Partner Is Dimming Your Light

The excitement of a new love interest sparks something inside of you. It’s as if it’s activating a bulb or a little flame that’s been dormant for a long time. When you feel that, you want more of that. Who wouldn’t? And so, you pursue that new fling. And the fling turns into a relationship. Sometimes, that spark grows and grows. But, sometimes, it dies off and you don’t even notice it. You fall into a pattern. Things felt bright and exciting long enough to pull you into the relationship. Then, once you had a routine, and liked the idea of being in a relationship, you failed to notice that that flame that was flickering at the beginning of the relationship, it’s gone totally out. You neglect to recognize that the version of you from before this relationship was actually, so clearly, happier than the version of you in this relationship.

The scenario described above happens all of the time. If you suspect it could be happening to you right now, there’s a chance that it is. When your partner makes your life brighter, you know. And if you question it, well…You can probably guess what that means. It’s always useful to have tangible, grounded-in-reality signs to look for so we asked psychotherapist Kiara Hartwell (@KJHartwell) to list signs that your partner is putting your light out. Hartwell is the founder of KJ Hartwell and specializes in working with teenage girls and millennial women.

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1. Ask yourself this

“Is your partner really functioning as our partner, best friend, soulmate, or are they slowly depleting you?” That’s a question Hartwell encourages you to ask yourself. She says there are a few signs that pertain to your confidence. If you are feeling like you aren’t worthy and if you are feeling invalidated within your relationship, these could be signs a partner isn’t good for you. And these can often lead to behaviors such as seeking validation from others outside of the relationship, and more specifically, infidelity.

2. What does outside validation look like?

Expanding briefly on Hartwell’s mention of looking for attention from others outside of the relationship, we’ll take a quick look at infidelity. Research has found that when women cheat they tend to look for some sort of emotional connection, whereas men are more likely to look for something purely physical. One survey found that, of people having affairs, 57 percent of women said they felt some level of love for their adulterous partner, but only 27 percent of men expressed such emotions for their extramarital partner. Emotional connection is so important to women, and the lack thereof so powerful, it can drive them to cheat.

3. Interacting with friends differently

 “Wanting to spend more or less time with friends” are also signs, according to Hartwell, of a relationship that’s dimming your light. Should you find yourself wanting to see friends even more than usual, it could be a sign you are running away from your partner, and finding excuses to spend less time with him. However, if you are in a toxic relationship, you may see friends less, because you don’t want to talk about the relationship, you fear friends will notice changes in you, or you even have a possessive partner who keeps you from seeing friends.

4. Your work is taking a hit

Hartwell also says those in depleting relationships may find themselves lacking motivation and calling out of work often, as well as feeling more complacent with life and career goals. One interesting article may show the dangers in allowing an unhealthy relationship to negatively impact your work. It says that employment is actually a larger predictor of happiness than romantic relationships.  So if you’re letting your work take the backseat while you try to salvage a toxic relationship, you may be fighting the wrong battle.

5. You’re experiencing greater stress

Increased feelings of stress and anxiety are also signs a partner puts out your light, says Hartwell. And her opinion is confirmed by research that has found our relationships play a big role in our production of stress hormones. Research shows that, couples who have a supportive partner whom they feel they can speak to after stressful events see a quick drop in cortisol levels, compared to those who don’t have this type of supportive environment.

6. Your immune system suffers

Hartwell says those in unhealthy relationships may find themselves suffering an increase in health issues. Research confirms this point, as well. Data shows that the depression brought on by an unhealthy relationship makes the body vulnerable to immunity problems, inflammation, and overall poor health. An unhappy marriage might even affect one’s gut health, according to the study.

A change in eating habits

If you find yourself developing new eating habits, Hartwell says the relationship could be to blame. The connection between our relationships, eating habits, and weight has been explored through many studies. One finds a strong link between marital dissatisfaction and the risk of obesity. Marital dissatisfaction not only causes stress and bad sleep – each of which can lead to obesity – but it can also lead to a metabolic disorder.

7. How’s the sex?

To some degree, a dip in sex life is normal after being with someone for a long time. But, it’s important to know what “a long time” means. One survey found it’s common for sexual satisfaction to drop off in the second half of the first year of a relationship — but, only slightly. If you’re already feeling less sexually interested in your partner, and greatly so, earlier on, that could be a sign of a larger problem. In this study, many individuals who were dissatisfied with their sex life described it as “going through the motions.” If that applies to you, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.

9. Depressive tendencies

There are some more serious signs that a relationship isn’t lifting you up that should not be ignored. Hartwell says these include, “loss of interest in people and activities,” “feeling suicidal,” and “risky activity.” Should you be experiencing these feelings, speak to a professional and take a hard look at your relationship, particularly if these feelings only first came up since entering the relationship.

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