Should You Let A Man Take Care Of You Financially?
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How do you feel about a man financially providing for you? We’re talking about him taking over your rent, your car payment, your grocery bills, your dental insurance – all of it. Having this happen within a marriage is its own subject, but one that possibly stirs up a bit less discussion than a boyfriend doing this for a girlfriend. Or not even a woman he calls his girlfriend but someone he sleeps with and spends time with.
There may not be a right or wrong answer to the question, “Should a man pay for your life?” A lot of it is case-by-case. What’s right for one couple isn’t necessarily right for another. If you’re talking about a hookup who isn’t even yet a boyfriend, well, just make sure his name isn’t on your car because if you break up he may come for it. We chatted with a couple of relationship experts to see what they had to say about the topic. Founder of Atlanta Couple Therapy Dr. Laura Louis, and licensed marriage and family therapist Shadeen Francis shed some light on the matter.
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If he offers money, what do you offer?
Dr. Louis: “If you are looking for someone to take care of you financially, you have to be clear on what you bring to the table. A lot of times, men who are open to that sort of dynamic. Often times they want their spouse to be more at home, taking care of cooking and cleaning and taking care of the family…This is a more traditional relationship.”
Though this setup may sound antiquated, it’s worth noting that several studies have found that the majority of Americans of all ages and genders still believe men should be the primary breadwinners in their families.
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Are you willing to give up control?
Dr. Louis: “A lot of times, the person who is picking up the check wants more of a say so in things, and how things go. If the other person is okay with that, it could work. If you’re okay with being more in the submissive role, and your partner taking more charge in terms of leading the family or the couple unit, then it could work, under those parameters. But you have to be clear about what you bring to the table.”
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Have a discussion about expectations
Dr. Louis: “Often women set themselves up for failure when they expect that they’re going to be taken care of but they’re not willing to also do the other things that often come along with that. You need to have those discussions going into it.” And as for those who are willing to put in more work around the house or in other ways, having bills covered may not be enough to satisfy them. Some couples even do something called the “Wife Bonus,” if you haven’t heard about it, it’s like an allowance or reward a wife gets for doing her wifely duties.
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What if the couple isn’t married or cohabitating?
Dr. Louis: “A lot of times in those situations, there is another type of exchange that is expected. Good bad, right or wrong, oftentimes, if a man is taking care of your financially, there may be an expectation for a physical connection. I haven’t seen it a lot where one person is taking care of a woman financially and there’s no expectation.”
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Almost nothing is truly free
The trouble with couples who are not married getting into financial arrangements is that there is little to nothing protecting them, should they break up. Married couples who divorce will, of course, face some financial complications. But there is a paper trail. And there are divorce laws. There are systems in place to work out the money matters. There’s no such thing for a boyfriend and girlfriend who just break up, as one man learned the hard way after paying his girlfriend’s bills for three years…and then breaking up with her.
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Do you share financial goals?
In tackling this subject, Shadeen Francis listed important questions that couples should ask each other before beginning the financial arrangement. Some of those include, “How do we both feel about money? Do we agree on its value and its role in our relationship? What are our goals with money, together and individually?”
It’s important to know that discrepancies have been found in the ways men and women handle money. Men, for example, are more likely to use savings to pay for a vacation while women are more likely to use it to pay off debt. Furthermore, men tend to outspend women in the categories of food, entertainment, and cars.
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How do you keep the power dynamic fair?
Francis brought up a few important questions, surrounding the idea that the one who pays is more in control. She encourages couples to ask, “What do we need from each other in this arrangement? What are our expectations? What emotional support or financial security do I need in order to not feel bound to this relationship because of the money? How will we handle power imbalances so nobody feels controlled or taken advantage of?” Without addressing these questions in advance, a woman may find herself in a situation of financial abuse. In these situations, a man might limit the woman’s access to economic resources as a way of controlling her.
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Can you be open and honest?
If you are going to hand over your financial fate to somebody else, Francis suggests evaluating the levels of honesty and communication in your relationship. She says couples should ask, “Have we been honest, trustworthy, and/or transparent with each other in other areas of our relationship? How often will we check in to make sure this arrangement still feels right for us? What can be kept private, and what do we each need to know about the money?”
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Beware of financial infidelity
The concern, when there isn’t financial transparency in a relationship, is that financial infidelity can occur. One survey conducted by the National Endowment for Financial Education found that 41 percent of married people admit to committing some financial transgression against their spouse. A University of Mississippi Study found the most common ways couples lie about money include hiding purchases, lying about the price of something, and spending money on the children behind their partner’s back.
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You should still talk about money
Even if your partner financially provides for you, that doesn’t mean you’ll be left out of financial conversations. Regardless of whose money is being spent on what, you may still want say in those purchases. Francis also says couples should ask, “How well do we negotiate? Can we have disagreements respectfully, and work towards a resolution?” Talking about money with a partner isn’t always comfortable, but it is important to normalize those conversations.
