What To Say And What Not To Say To Someone Who Has Suffered A Pregnancy Los
What To Say And What Not To Say To Someone Who Has Suffered A Pregnancy Loss - Page 2
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Two weeks ago, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend shared the heartbreaking news that their son, Jack, had passed away. In addition to sharing the news, Teigen shared images of her last moments with her baby via her social media accounts. While thousands responded by sending their condolences to the grieving family, others had not-so-nice things to say about the couple’s loss and their decision to publicize their journey.
“When I read some of the comments in John Legend and Chrissy Teigen’s post regarding the loss of their baby, Jack, I was surprised,” Stephanie O’Hara, author of Angel Wings: A Story of Love, Faith, Infertility, Surrogacy, And Not Giving Up Hope, told MadameNoire. “Everyone grieves differently. While one person who loses a baby might withdraw from others, others might share it on social media and rely on their loved ones to talk and process through it. Whatever response may be, it isn’t wrong.
“For John and Chrissy, they shared their loss with the world because they need love and support. Sharing such intimate, personal moments can make us feel less alone and help to connect to others. It can also encourage others to come forward and share their stories. With 1 in 4 women experiencing a miscarriage, we need to stop the shame associated with miscarriages and infertility.”
In light of John and Chrissy’s unfortunate loss and the countless other women who have suffered a similar loss, with the help of O’Hara, we thought it would be a good time to highlight helpful and not-so-helpful things to say a person who has suffered a pregnancy loss.
“Everything happens for a reason”
One of the worst and most common clichés that you can utter to a grieving person is that everything happens for a reason. It is beyond hurtful to write someone’s tragedy off as something that was meant to be.
“I think most people in this world have good intentions, and they simply do not know what to say in these situations,” O’Hara explained. “Sometimes, they choose words that they think are comforting or helpful, but are hurtful instead. What I would say is this: When people know better, they do better.”
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“Be thankful for the child you already have”
“I suffered from secondary infertility after the birth of my (now) 12-year-old son. I experienced seven miscarriages over six years before my miracle biological twins arrived via surrogate. I would say this: secondary infertility is a peculiar place to be. We know that we should appreciate the child we already have, and that others that struggle with infertility may not have a child at all. That doesn’t mean that our desire for more children is any less important than anyone else’s.”
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At least you weren’t further along”
Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage and nearly 85 percent of those losses occur within the first trimester, according to Tommys.org. Pregnancy loss in the first trimester is common, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
“Saying that someone can’t be sad because someone else has it ‘worse’ is like telling someone they can’t be happy because someone else has it ‘better,’ explained O’Hara. “A loss is a loss. When I found out that I was pregnant each time, I hoped and prayed for the best. Each time I lost my pregnancy, I grieved deeply. It is heartbreaking not to be able to hold or meet the child that was inside of you.”
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“It wasn’t meant to be”
Comforting someone by telling someone that “it wasn’t meant to be” might be a suitable response to a missed job opportunity or a budding relationship that has failed to launch. However, it is completely inappropriate to say this to someone who has lost a baby or any other loved one for that matter. Though you may feel that you are uttering comforting words, what the grieving person is hearing is that their baby’s life doesn’t matter.
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Not acknowledging the loss altogether
Oftentimes when someone suffers a loss, it can be difficult to find the right words to say. On one hand, you realize that there is nothing to be said that will change the unfortunate circumstances. At the same time, you feel that you should say something. To combat the awkwardness, some people simply make themselves scarce and never say anything at all. This can also be hurtful to the grieving family. When you’re grieving, it’s hard to forget who was not there for you during your time of need.
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“I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you. I love you.”
When you don’t know what to say, it’s okay to let your loved one know that. They will appreciate your honesty and that you did not allow the fact that you didn’t have the right words to keep you from being a shoulder to lean on in their time of distress.
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“I don’t know what it’s like, but I am here to listen.”
When you’ve never experienced the loss of a child, you can’t begin to fathom what your loved one is going through. However, your inexperience does not render you incapable of empathy. Don’t pretend to know how it feels. Just lend a listening ear and offer compassion.
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“Can I bring you dinner tonight?”
“Bringing them a home-cooked meal or picking up food ‘to go’ is always appreciated,” said O’Hara. “Sending flowers is also a kind and loving gesture. Even a “Thinking About You” card or a text is welcomed. Any act of “love” will make your friend or loved one feel acknowledged, valued and supported. If they don’t respond to you, it’s not personal. Just give them a bit more time and reach out again.”
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“Do you feel like getting out of the house?”
When someone is feeling down, we naturally want to help make them feel better. One of the ways that we attempt to do so is by trying to drag the bereaved person out of the house. While this can definitely be helpful, but sure to ask permission first and be respectful of their wishes if they choose to decline.
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“It’s so good to see you. How are you?”
While discussing a loss with loved ones can help, sometimes, the person may simply want to get their minds off of their present circumstances and talk about something else. Give them that choice while also leaving the option open to discuss what happened if they choose to. Simply asking, “How are you?” is a great way to give them that choice.
