How To Date With Your Eyes Wide Open

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Doesn’t it seem like you only understand what went wrong in a relationship months, if not years, after it ended? Wouldn’t it be great if you knew then what you know now about how that relationship would go? You would have saved yourself quite a bit of heartache. But there’s no use in lamenting the past. In fact, a little heartache is good for us. We should face some stumbling blocks in our love lives. That’s how we learn and grow. The important thing is that we don’t stumble over the same ones, over and over again. That’s a sign you aren’t learning from your mistakes.

But there’s one little issue with hoping to bring lessons learned from old relationships into new dating experiences: the excitement and hope of dating can create a fog. Humans are hopeful. It’s part of our charm. It’s also part of what makes them gloss over glaring issues and tuck away red flags. When you really want this next date or relationship to work out, you might turn a blind eye to some things. Hell, you might close your eyes and put on a blindfold. But, that’s just a way of deferring small pain now that will come back big time later. We spoke with dating coach Francesca Hogi about ways you can keep your eyes wide open during the dating process.

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Know what you’re seeking, beneath the surface

“It’s important that you know what it is that you are looking for. And not just in terms of traits that you’re seeking in another person,” says Hogi. “Most people can tell you a list of the traits that they want in another person. ‘I want somebody who looks like this. I want somebody who likes things like this. Has this kind of job or this kind of education. Or I want somebody who wants to have a family.’”

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Don’t just find a father; find a partner

A certain level of education, a desire for a family, a certain job “Is all great,” says Hogi, but she urges you to focus on “The actual relationship that you have with that person. Even having a family. What does that mean to you? What kind of partner do you want? As a woman, if you want to marry a man to have children with, what kind of father do you want him to be? What do you want the role of the family to play in your relationship?”

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Anyone can say “I want to be a father”

Hogi says it’s common for a woman who wants a family to find a man who says he wants one too, and think “Great. Check!” but she recommends asking, “What does that even mean to him? What kind of father does he want to be? Does he have the character of someone who you’d want to have children with? Is he demonstrating an ability to communicate with you very effectively? Is he communicating an ability to put somebody else’s needs before his own?” Just because someone says he wants to be a dad doesn’t mean he has the qualities to make a good one. You still need to look for those, even after checking the “Wants a family” box.

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You can’t talk to a degree

“You might want somebody who has a certain level of education, but why?” asks Hogi. “Is it about you wanting to have intellectual stimulation within your relationship? If that’s something important to you, that’s great. So then ask ‘Am I intellectually stimulated by this person?’ not ‘Are they checking the box of having a certain type of degree?’…So the first thing is to be very clear on what you want to experience in your relationship.”

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Keep your hands on the wheel

“Shift [your perspective] from ‘I’m going to cross my fingers and hope this works out’ to deciding ‘Is this the right person for me to be in the relationship that I want?’ That right there is going to clarify a lot of things that, otherwise, you might turn a blind eye to because you’re so focused on being with someone, without taking the time to think about what that actually needs to look like for you,” explains Hogi. “Or you’re ticking the boxes of what’s on the list, without taking the time to understand why that’s even on the list to begin with.”

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An effective filtration process

Once you’ve gained a deeper understanding of why certain traits matter to you, Hogi says, “When you do start dating, now you’re looking to see: number one, who is treating you with consistency, respect, and enthusiasm? As a baseline to even ‘I’m willing to give this person a chance.’ And if you have that in your mind as a standard, that is going to weed out people very quickly.”

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Beware of vague terms and weak efforts

With regards to being consistent, respectful, and enthusiastic, “Not everyone is capable of all three of those things,” advises Hogi. “So a very common thing is…it’s common to go out with a guy. You really like him. You’re so excited. And then at the end of the date, he says something vague like ‘Oh we should do this again sometime.’ But he doesn’t actually ask you out. He doesn’t make a plan. It’s a vague thing.”

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Enthusiasm can’t be one-sided

Hogi goes onto explain what often happens with the vague guy from the last slide. “Then you don’t hear from him and think ‘I’m just going to check in with him and see if he wants to go out again.’ That’s not necessarily a terrible thing.” Hogi does say, however, that that shouldn’t be the ongoing dynamic. Then she says you need to realize, “No matter how much I like this person, I have to be aware of the fact that he is not showing enthusiasm for moving this relationship forward with me.”

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A body at rest stays at rest

“If he’s not doing it [moving things forward] at the beginning, trust me, it’s not going to get any better,” states Hogi. “You’re co-creating a dynamic where you prioritize him and he treats you like an option…Part of enthusiasm is effort. There are too many people who are accepting very lack-luster behavior in dating. And it’s infecting dating culture.”

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If he isn’t showing up, he’s not the one

“If someone pushes back on you demanding attention or respect, they’re not for you. If you think somebody is perfect for you and they disagree…then you’re wrong,” says Hogi. “Once you get very clear on what you’re looking for, it’s very easy to spot when you find it. And it’s very easy to spot the absence of it. And then when you start holding people to a standard of consistency, respect, and enthusiasm from the very, very, very beginning, then that right there eliminates a ton of dating confusion.”