Have You Heard Of The Fairytale Industrial Complex?

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Not all of your hang-ups, insecurities, or dysfunctional patterns come from some major trauma in your childhood. We tend to think of trauma as such a heavy word, but really, it can simply mean relatively common events impacted the way you think about yourself and the world. And that you’ll have to be very conscious about learning your triggers, understanding your past, and unlearning certain kinds of thinking.

There are many messages people (particularly women) are fed throughout their lives about love that are not helpful, and those messages implant ideas in our minds about what’s involved in finding a partner. Some of those ideas are part of what dating coach Francesca Hogi (@DearFranny) calls “The Fairytale Industrial Complex,” which probably sounds a bit familiar. Here, she breaks this complex down for us, explaining how it can be harmful and what can be done to overcome it.

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“Love will conquer all”

“The fairytale industrial complex is a system that is made up of everything from literal fairytales, romantic comedy, love songs…to all of the messaging that we get on multiple levels. We get this through marketing, through advertising, through storytelling. [It’s a picture] of what love looks like. It’s all this fairytale. ‘Love can conquer all,’” explains Hogi.

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Just sit back, and he’ll show up

Hogi goes onto say that the complex promotes this damaging idea that, “You can literally be an unconscious princess and your love will find you. And you literally can pine after this completely emotionally unavailable person, but if they love you enough then they’ll suddenly learn how to be vulnerable and commit to you.” If you’ve ever wondered why you keep chasing emotionally unavailable men, you may have found your answer.

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These expectations are unreasonable

“That is part of why we are in the mess that we are in, with people having these very unrealistic standards and fantasies about what it [love] looks like. In this complex, the focus is on finding the one perfect person,” says Hogi. “It’s about this person coming in and saving you. Completing you. Plucking you from your horrible situation, and carrying you off into the sunset. It’s ‘Pretty Woman.’ It’s ‘Cinderella.’”

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You have to do your part

“When you start to understand that that is fantasy and that you actually have responsibility for making yourself available for a relationship…for putting in that work in co-creating the relationship, then that changes everything in terms of how you approach dating,” states Hogi.

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An adjacent complex

The Industrial Fairytale Complex is different from but lives in the same sphere as the Cinderella Complex. The Cinderella Complex states that women are unconsciously driven to be dependent on a male figure, due to years of patriarchy and misogyny. The Industrial Fairytale Complex has women giving up some agency, too – it contains that ‘sit back and it will happen’ idea – but it incorporates a new type of passiveness, in which women do pursue men, they just pursue unavailable men. Or, they believe they’ll need to do zero personal work to attract a perfect partner.

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“I can fix him”

“There are a lot of people who, not only are they comfortable dating people who are emotionally unavailable, but they actually think that that’s just how it is. They think ‘It’s my job to get you to love me enough so you now are available.’” The trouble with that mindset, is any “personal work” done by the woman, is framed around attracting a certain man, and not about the growth that’s best for her, independent of a relationship.

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So what can be done?

The hope is that there are tools we can use to make sure we don’t fall into the Industrial Fairytale Complex. That’s where Hogi’s expertise comes in. She created an acronym that contains traits and behaviors women (and men) should look for when deciding whether or not to move forward with a relationship. These traits and behaviors combat the Industrial Fairytale Complex because they keep you active and accountable in your love journey. The acronym is RAW, and it stands for Ready, Available, and Willing. We’ll expand on these in our next slides.

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What does it mean to be Ready?

Somebody who is ready can say the words “I am ready for a relationship,” according to Hogi. “And if they can’t say that, then they’re not. So if they’re doing the ‘Oh, I don’t know. I’m just going to see where it goes…’ then they’re not ready.” Someone must be able to articulate that they’re ready, to be ready.

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If they can’t say it, move on

What happens when you meet someone to whom you’re really attracted, and you think could be a great fit, but he can’t say he’s ready? Hogi says, “If you know you want a relationship, you’re really gambling if you proceed with somebody who doesn’t want the same thing. It has nothing to do with you. It’s about somebody who is in a place in their life when they’re ready for a relationship and can articulate that.”

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Words must be backed by actions

Articulation is a necessary part of being ready, but it doesn’t guarantee readiness. How often does someone promise they’ll do something they don’t? Or claim to be something they’re not? “Somebody can say they’re ready, but it doesn’t mean that they are. If they can say it, it’s a good start,” says Hogi. But it’s not everything. And this leads us to the second part of the acronym…

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What does it mean to be Able?

Able is the demonstrative part of Ready. “This is when you’re paying attention to see, is this person demonstrating to me, through their words and their actions, that they’re able to prioritize another person, risk emotional pain, and compromise. Are they emotionally available?”

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When they aren’t willing, it can be painful

Has it ever happened to you that a man told you he was ready for a relationship, and demonstrated certain capabilities that make one relationship material – like he was compromising, attentive, and reliable in his friendships or work life – but he wasn’t showing up for you? That could mean he just wasn’t Willing.

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So what does Willing mean?

When assessing someone’s willingness, Hogi says to ask yourself, “Are they willing to put in that effort to move the relationship forward with you specifically?” She goes onto explain that, “Sometimes you have someone ready and able, but they aren’t pursuing you. They aren’t willing. It can feel like rejection. That’s the fear…And it keeps people wanting so much to be liked and to be ‘chosen.’ That’s what the Fairytale Industrial Complex teaches us. We need to be ‘chosen.’”

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You must have all three

“I teach that you need all three of these {Ready, Able, Willing),” says Hogi. “It can be confusing when you meet somebody who is totally into you. Totally pursuing you. They got the willingness, and might even say they’re ready for a relationship. But when you look at the ability, it’s not there.”

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You have the power, too

Hogi says it can be difficult to walk away from a situation when someone says with their words they’re ready and able, but the willingness doesn’t show up. You want so much to believe them. And you don’t want to accept what feels like rejection if the Willingness isn’t there. But in focusing so much on whether or not we were chosen, “We lose sight of the fact that it’s about us choosing each other. And that’s the most important thing.”

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Have You Heard Of The Industrial Fairytale Complex?