Why You Can’t Have (Healthy) Love Without Self-Love

Source: Klaus Vedfelt / Getty

Author Barbara Hart said, “Other than the love of God; the greatest love is self-love. You have to love yourself more than you love someone else in order to succeed in a prosperous life.” Singer and actress Eartha Kitt said, “It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.”

Self-love is a topic that’s been discussed extensively by many. But there might be something that’s always bothered you about the concept of self-love, and that might be that people speak of it in such vague terms. “Just love yourself” is thrown around about as casually as “Just be yourself,” and we all know how annoying it is when someone tells you to “just be yourself.” “I thought I already was…” is what you might say. And you might feel the same way when told to love yourself. But it is important to have self-love if you want healthy, fulfilling love from others.

We spoke with life and love coach Francesca Hogi about what it actually means to have self-love. Hogi provided actionable steps, as well as clear and concise reasoning behind why self-love is linked to healthy romantic relationships. Find more advice from Hogi on Instagram and Twitter.

Source: NA / na

You might have a broken love without self-love

“I actually disagree when somebody says you can’t have love without self-love,” says Hogi. “You can love another person without loving yourself. You absolutely can. People do it every day. However, those relationships will inherently be dysfunctional, in that, if you do not know how to love yourself, you will always be dependent on outside validation in order to feel worthy.”

Source: Richard Bailey / Getty

What’s so wrong with wanting validation?

“If you are hanging all of your hopes of worthiness on other peoples’ actions, first of all, it’s just not a good strategy. But it’s also hollow and fleeting. Because everyone is on their own journey,” explains Hogi. “Other people will disappoint you. Even people who love you. Even people who are well-intentioned. It’s not anyone else’s job to make you feel worthy. So to have that expectation is setting yourself up for failure.”

Source: Vladimir Vladimirov / Getty

Your self-love relieves others of the burden

Of pinning all your hopes of feeling worthy on the actions of others, Hogi also says, “It’s also quite selfish if you think about it. To put your happiness, your sense of self, on another person. How would they even be able, even if they wanted to, to fill that void for you?” When you don’t learn to love yourself, you leave it entirely on others to make you feel validated, and that’s a big job you’re assigning others.

Source: vitapix / Getty

You can extend a bit more grace

“When you finally learn to love yourself, then that enables you to come to your relationships from a place of ‘Now I’m not looking to you to make me happy. I’m looking to you to enhance my existing happiness,” says Hogi. She adds that, once you love yourself, you’re able to be more empathetic and compassionate towards a partner because you’ve learned to be more empathetic and compassionate towards yourself.

Source: FluxFactory / Getty

Self-love teaches you boundaries and standards

When you develop self-love, Hogi explains you can then say, “I am able to have boundaries because I know that boundaries are an act of self-love and I know that that’s what I deserve. When you learn to love yourself, you now believe that you are worthy of having the type of relationship that you want to have. And therefore you no longer feel that you need to settle out of fear that you’re never gonna get anything better.”

Source: Westend61 / Getty

Water seeks its own level

“So when you come from a place of self-love, you’re just a happier person. And now you’re attracted to and attracting other people who are at that same place in their lives, and in their minds, and in their love journeys,” says Hogi. “So you’re able to then have that emotional intimacy and that emotional safety and treat each other with that respect and to respect boundaries.”

Source: skynesher / Getty

You can take things less personally

“When you love yourself more, it helps you to take other peoples’ actions less personally. So you’re no longer stuck in a trigger/shame spiral,” says Hogi. “So for instance, you have an argument with your partner. You can just deal with what the issues are in the argument, versus [jumping to] ‘They don’t think I’m good enough. Now I’m triggered because I’ve always felt I’m not good enough because I’m not loveable and now there’s the shame fog.’ Who cares what the argument was about because now you’re triggered and you’ve blown it up into these much deeper beliefs that you have.”

Source: FatCamera / Getty

What is the trigger/shame spiral?

I asked Hogi to expand on the trigger/shame spiral. She said that “Whenever you have self-judgment, that produces shame. Even the term triggered, it means it’s [the conflict] triggering something that’s already existing inside of you. They [your partner] say something that is something you already feared was true about you. You’re hit in that wound.” Whatever that deeply-held belief is, it is different for everyone. It could be “You’re not good enough” or “You’re not worthy of love.” These are beliefs that are not true, but still ones you can be holding onto. And so long as you harbor those, any reference to them from another person can be triggering.

Source: LaylaBird / Getty

In this spiral, you lose sight of the issue

“So when you’re triggered and you are very disconnected from loving yourself, you don’t have the perspective to understand ‘What’s happening right now is reminding me of some deep old wound that still needs healing,’” explains Hogi. “Instead you think ‘This person [the one triggering you] is terrible and all of that sadness and all of that anger that I have inside that I’m not able to look at, I’m now going to project all of that onto this other person. And vilify them.”

Source: stockstudioX / Getty

Shame fog impairs your judgment

Hogi explains that, when you’re triggered, that’s when you can stop seeing things clearly. “While doing that [vilifying the other person], it’s also re-affirming that [limiting] belief [about yourself]. It becomes a ‘shame fog.’ Shame gets involved and you can’t see through it. It’s oppressive. When your judgment becomes impaired in a romantic relationship, it’s a good sign that there is shame.” Self-love is an important step to evaluating and releasing those negative beliefs about yourself, so you can escape the trigger/shame cycle, and approach relationships with clear eyes. Anything that’s difficult that can arise in love with other people – from conflict to perceived rejection to disappointment – can be seen for what it is (an isolated incident that isn’t personal), only once you’ve learned to love yourself.