How To Stop Being A Mommy Martyr - Page 2

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A mother’s job is truly never finished, but somewhere along the way many of us get things twisted and begin to adopt the mindset that caring for our families means that we neglect ourselves. We deny ourselves rest, downtime, pampering, and so many other things in the name of putting our families first and then we turn around and expect others to feel sorry for us.

Pretty soon, we grow comfortable with this self-neglect, self-pity, and constant complaining. It literally becomes a part of our personalities and daily conversations as we fall victim to mommy martyrdom. As Today’s Parent explains, the mommy martyr “goes the extra mile, but she doesn’t go quietly. You’re gonna hear about every painful step. Maybe she boasts or maybe she complains. Maybe she sighs, “It’s OK, I’ll just do it.” She has ways of broadcasting her suffering without saying anything at all. If you still have trouble identifying her, she probably looks like crap, too.”

Choosing to become a mother does not mean that you signed up for a life of suffering and misery. Further, choosing to remain on this burned out path of self-denial and constant complaining doesn’t make you a good mother. It only serves to make you unhappy and resentful of your spouse and children. If you’re tired of grumbling under your breath as you wash dishes while overhearing your partner and kids have a good time in the next room, keep reading.

Let the kid cry sometimes

I am by no means proponent of sitting back and allowing babies to cry in order to make their lungs strong or not responding to children when they are upset. However, as a parent, I quickly caught on to the fact that kids, especially the little ones, cry for all sorts of reasons and for no reason at all. And there are definitely moments where it is completely unreasonable to drop everything simply because your baby is fussing. Prime example, if you are in the middle of using the restroom and you can clearly see via a baby monitor or otherwise that the baby is safe and not in harm’s way, please finish doing your business before going to get him, sis. He will be alright, I promise.

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Make sure your basic needs are being met

It’s likely that using the bathroom is going to be mentioned often within this slideshow, which may seem odd to some. However, as strange as it sounds, it’s one of the most ridiculous ways that mothers, especially those of infants, deny themselves. If you scroll the mommy message boards for even a few minutes, you’ll find posts from moms who hold their urine until they damn near pee on themselves because their baby will cry if they set them down to use the bathroom. Your baby will be okay while you take a moment to eat or use the bathroom.

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Invest in your personal appearance

As Amy Mcfarlane pointed out in that essay for Today’s Parent, mommy martyrs are infamous for letting themselves go. They tell themselves that they can’t possibly invest in their appearance because there’s simply not enough time. She has too much to do. She brags about how long it’s been since the last time she’s washed her hair or had a manicure. Even if you choose to take the DIY route, it’s important to groom regularly. You will feel so much better — physically and mentally.

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Delegate, often

At some point, mommy martyrs were convinced that they have to do it all and that’s simply not true. Your partner may not volunteer to help out with chores or with the kids, which is why delegation is sometimes necessary. If you’re giving the kids a bath, then tell your partner that it’s on him to put them to bed. If you’re cooking, tell him to wash the dishes. Skip the guilt trip and simply ask for what you need.

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Stop trying to live up to other people’s standards

Sadly, there’s a whole lot of fronting going on in these motherhood streets. Many of these mommy bloggers will only show you what they want you to see when it comes to their motherhood journeys. Don’t be deceived by their perfectly curated Instagram feeds. The struggle is real for us all. It’s impossible to truly know what’s going on behind closed doors — even when it comes to your mommy friends. So set your own standards for motherhood and stop trying to live up those upheld by others.

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Remind yourself that perfection is a myth

There is no such thing as the perfect mom or the perfect home. It’s completely unattainable. The only thing that you can offer your family is your best. Trying to be the perfect mother comes with serious consequences for you as well as your children. According to Dr. Alexandra Sacks, a reproductive psychiatrist and author of  What No One Tells You: A Guide to Your Emotions From Pregnancy to Motherhood, it also teaches your children to be intolerant of their flaws.

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Stop resenting your spouse for knowing how to relax

There will always be something that needs to be done. Laundry that needs to be folded, dishes that need to be washed, floors that need to be mopped, and so on. But at some point, you have to know when to stop and rest your body. Your spouse sure as hell knows how to kick back and relax. You should learn to do the same. You are not a robot and relaxation is important. If you’re burned out, you’re no good to anyone.

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Be realistic with your daily to-do list

Mommy martyrs have a tendency to be extremely ambitious with their to-do lists. They try to cram an unreasonable number of tasks into their days, which means that they’re working from sunup to sundown, leaving little time for relaxation or the things that you enjoy. To help with this, you should set a time that you will shut down work and chores each day, regardless of how what is incomplete, to give yourself time to recharge.

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Stop making excuses

It’s very easy to fall into a state of victimhood as a wife and mother, but the truth of the matter is that in many situations, we’re standing in our own way. This isn’t to deny that motherhood is challenging, but with the same fervor that you use to take care of your home and kids, use some of that energy to take care of yourself.