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It’s no secret that parenthood is hard on a couple’s sex life. There has been extensive research on how becoming parents affects relationship satisfaction and intimacy. One study found that there can be a slow and steady decline in relationship satisfaction that happens in the first eight years of marriage for childless couples. However, that same dip in satisfaction drops rapidly for parents with kids, happening much earlier in the first eight years of the marriage. Another study found that women with partners who either have traditional views on parenthood (i.e., the mother should be more involved) or partners with different views than their own report more dissatisfaction in intimacy than women whose partners share their views on parenthood.
One study came out confirmed some stereotypical ideas we may have had about the male sex drive. It says a mother’s level of parenthood stress correlates with her sexual satisfaction. The more stressed she feels, the less sexually satisfied she is. Meanwhile, a father’s parenthood stress does not seem to negatively impact his sexual satisfaction. Translation: it’s easier for men to enjoy sex under stress than women. Perhaps that surprised nobody.
Whether these studies defy expectations or not, they all point to one thing: parenthood wreaks havoc on a couple’s sex life. It simply isn’t the same as it was before having kids. But that doesn’t mean that parents must subject themselves to little, no, or bad sex. Here are tips on maintaining your sex life, after having kids. You may even have better sex.
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Communicate about obstacles
There are many boundaries standing in the way of your sex life after you have kids. There’s exhaustion, lack of time, body issues, resentment over a lack of support, and more. All of the more practical tips to having better sex after having kids can’t get a couple anywhere if they don’t communicate. Wendy Talley, licensed couples psychotherapist and cofounder of KW Essential Services, in Los Angeles told a story to Parents.com about a couple who wasn’t having sex. The wife reported it was because she felt insecure about her body, and feared her partner didn’t find her attractive because he didn’t initiate sex.
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Don’t assume their intention: find out
When the husband from the above story was questioned as to why his sex life had declined, he said he didn’t initiate because his partner always seemed tired, but he still found her very attractive. “So they’d gotten stuck. What they needed was communication and fewer assumptions, which can be a killer in the bedroom,” said Talley.
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Adjust your idea of “being in the mood”
Parents also need to adjust their thinking on the idea of “being in the mood.” Any couple who is together for a long time can benefit from this. That I-must-have-you-now desire subsides as a deeper connection develops – one that overpowers the need to constantly physically connect.
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Comparison sparks insecurity
New parents can feel disappointed when comparing their feelings of desire today to that original intensity from the early days of the relationship. That comparison can leave new, tired parents feeling like they’re lacking. They can feel, “If we don’t get as excited as we used to, then what’s the point?” Adjust the expectation. Know that you can get in the mood or be in the mood – desire one another – even if there isn’t an urgency to it. Don’t feel defeated because it isn’t how it used to be.
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Keep the compliments coming
There are a few myths about what increases the chances of orgasm for women. Some think it’s just about finding the right position or partner. Some think it’s about masturbating more. But research has actually found that a lot of it is in our heads, and women who feel close to their partner, feel desired, and have good sexual self-esteem are more likely to climax. So, note to men: pay your partner more compliments, both outside and inside the bedroom, after she’s had kids. We promise she needs to hear them.
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Now, onto the practical tips
Have sex babysitters. Yes, a sex babysitter. These might be neighbors who your kid loves to visit — and who you trust. Have an arrangement by which you can text them and say, “We need alone time. Can you take the kids for a half-hour?” If they have kids, you can do the same for them. There’s no shame around this.
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But first, get a real babysitter
Couples generally need to feel emotionally connected in order to enjoy physical intimacy. It doesn’t have to be that way for everyone, but sex is generally better when you feel close to your partner. And that involves spending quality time together, which is hard for parents to get. So put aside that regular time. Find a real babysitter, who can take the kids off your hands for scheduled date night.
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Do it in the shower
The shower is a great place to get it done since you can lock the door, without kids banging on the door, asking why it’s locked. There’s an understanding that people lock the door during shower time. And the running water covers up any noise. Furthermore, you can actually get your showering done, so you can make efficient use of your time – what parent doesn’t love that?
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Do it during nap time
When the kids are napping, that’s a great time to do it. Some parents like to take the chance to take their own naps then. You’ll just have to decide what the priority is today: a little extra rest or intimacy with your partner. Sex won’t win out every time, but sometimes, it should. Just be sure to close doors so your kids don’t wake up and walk in on you.
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Be affectionate in other ways
Things can get tense around the house when you haven’t had sex for a while. People can be sensitive, and misinterpret every little motion. It’s important to be affectionate with your partner throughout the day, in non-sexual ways. Those passing kisses and hugs soften things and let your partner know that, yes, the love is flowing and the desire is there. Then people can feel less sensitive, and not read into every little thing. “The more you connect, the less you’ll be worrying about (supposed) imperfections” was another helpful thing psychotherapist Wendy Talley said.
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Talk about positions
It’s important to understand that after a woman has had children – and especially while she is pregnant – the positions that were fun and pleasurable before may be uncomfortable now. Her body has changed, and she may not be able to carry out the acrobatics she once could. Rather than feel bad about saying, “That position no longer works for me,” and then suffering through it, talk to your partner about what positions do work for you. This is especially important for women, who we know have a much more difficult time climaxing than men do.
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Find some good lube
Women can also struggle to create their own natural lubrication after giving birth. This also just happens with age. Furthermore, they may need more lubrication to prepare for sex than they did pre-childbirth because the area is now sensitive down there. Make friends with lube. You can even have fun trying new ones – it’s a good excuse to have more sex.
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Arouse yourself
Obviously, foreplay is up to your partner. He has a responsibility to get you aroused. But understand that women usually need more time to get aroused than men do, and time is not something new parents have. You certainly may not have free time at the same time as your partner, to get in the mood, leading up to the act. So, ladies, listen to an erotic audiobook or watch a video that will get you there in advance, so you’re more than ready when you and your partner actually have time to do it.
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Have a staycation
What is it about hotels that make people want to get it on? Maybe it’s knowing you don’t need to clean your own sheets after. Or that you don’t care if the neighbors hear you moan because you don’t know those neighbors. Or there haven’t been any arguments about dirty dishes or laundry recently to kill the mood. There are so many reasons couples can benefit from getting out of the house for a sex fest. Take a staycation.
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Other sneaky locations
The laundry room is another great place to get it on. When the machines are roaring, people in the house can’t hear you doing it. Oh, and if you’re sitting on the vibrating dryer…that can help. Then you have a towel right there, after, to clean yourselves off. You can also sneak off to the car to do it. You’ll feel like teenagers again – the taboo of it can be exciting.
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