Practicing Forgiveness In A Marriage At The Hardest Times

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Decisional forgiveness is the intention to behave more benevolently towards someone. Emotional forgiveness happens when the grudge is actually released.

While you may have never put labels on the two types of forgiveness before, you’ve probably practiced them both in the past. There have likely been times that you said you forgave someone and acted like you forgave them, but still harbored all of the negative feelings about their transgression. That was decisional forgiveness, and it’s really only a surface-level kind of forgiveness. Emotional forgiveness is much harder to achieve. However, once it’s achieved, the beauty of it is that you don’t need to remind yourself to behave kindly towards the person, the way you do when you’ve only achieved decisional forgiveness. When you’ve truly emotionally forgiven someone, you naturally want to behave better towards them. Research has found that it’s the capacity for emotional forgiveness – rather than just decisional forgiveness – that can determine the longevity of a marriage. We spoke with Dr. Laura Louis, PhD, founder of Atlanta Couples Therapy, about times it’s important to practice forgiveness in a marriage and how powerful it can be.

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Forgiveness is for you, too

When we hold a grudge, we don’t only hurt the person with whom we’re upset. Dr. Louis says, “Forgiveness is a commitment to our own healing. When we don’t forgive, it impacts us…our immune system. Our cardiovascular system. It’s for our own mental and physical health that we have to practice forgiveness.”

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Focus on your needs

Dr. Louis recommends when couples are discussing a difficult event the offended party doesn’t frame their statements around blame, but rather, their own feelings. “Talk it through in a way that’s not attacking the other person…Focus on your own emotion and making a positive request from your partner. For example, ‘It would really make me feel supported if I knew we could have balance in what we’re both doing for our families.’”

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Where does it hurt?

When counseling couples through conflict, Dr. Louis asks the hurt party to identify triggers. In the same way a doctor might ask, “Where does it hurt?” Dr. Louis asks a patient to identify at what times the pain of the betrayal comes up. Perhaps their partner let them down in a big way during their birthday one year, and now, those painful emotions always come up during their birthday. Or, perhaps they let them down during the first pregnancy. Now the couple is pregnant with a second child, and those emotions are back. She says, “We really go to the space where it’s the most painful and that’s where we start the healing.”

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The most trying issue

Dr. Louis says that infidelity is one of the most difficult things for couples to forgive. For that one, a tremendous amount of time and work is required. “It does not happen overnight. Sometimes I see superficial forgiveness. Like ‘Let’s just put it behind us.’ But it usually takes about a year when there’s been infidelity. That’s not just a year of time passing. That has to be going to counseling. Talking through it.”

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Attempt to empathize any way you can

The rest of our interview focused on how couples recover from infidelity. It’s such a difficult event, and many of the tools used to find forgiveness in it can be used in other marital conflicts. Putting yourself in your partner’s shoes is a big part of this process. That can be particularly difficult for the person who was cheated on.

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Find an empathetic entryway

“Sometimes for the person who was betrayed they have to say, ‘It’s hard for me to understand that you cheated on me but I do understand that it’s been difficult for you that we haven’t been having sex.’” Dr. Louis says the betrayed party needs to see, “Where can they step into empathy?”

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Reflective exercises

Dr. Louis does something with clients called a “reflective listening exercise.” One person is the speaker and one is the listener. Often the first speaker is the person who was betrayed. They do “I statements” like “I feel insert emotion word here.” For example, “I feel hurt when I imagine that you were with someone else. What could really help me is knowing that you’re committed to doing the work to repairing our relationship.”

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The listener can’t judge and must validate

During this exercise, Dr. Louis says, “The listener’s role is to suspend judgment…push feelings to the side, and reflect what they’re hearing.” When it is the listener’s turn to speak, Dr. Louis may have them start with “So it sounds like, what you’re saying, is you felt hurt, and I get that…it makes sense to me because I did betray your trust.” They’re reflecting what they heard.

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It’s not a time to be defensive

These listening exercises can be difficult, as the cheating party will want to interrupt and defend themselves at every point. But this isn’t about explaining why the cheating happened. It’s about addressing the emotions it’s caused. That’s why, Dr. Louis says, “We add the validation piece.” That’s the part where the cheater says their partner’s feelings make sense, and why. “It’s crucial that the person who was betrayed hears that their partner understands what their experience is.”

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How successful is counseling after infidelity?

“The majority of cases where couples come in for counseling, and they’re committed to the process of therapy…they’re able to come through it,” says Dr. Louis. She adds that there has been research that studies couples who have been impacted by infidelity. “If you look at them six months after counseling, they are indistinguishable from other couples. Their relationship satisfaction increases. Their anxiety reduces. They report an overall level of happiness in their relationship.”

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Stronger for it

Dr. Louis says that oftentimes, couples who attend counseling after infidelity and come out on the other side are happier than they were before the infidelity. The reason? “A lot of times the infidelity is just the tip of the iceberg.” Dr. Louis says that, often, the infidelity was a symptom of underlying issues that had been going on, but had been ignored, for some time. The infidelity got them to a point of realizing they had issues they needed to work out.

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It can be worth fighting for

Dr. Louis spoke a bit more on the fact that some couples are happier after working through infidelity than before the cheating. “Couples can make a permanent decision to leave their marriage over something they could have worked through.” But it is important for them to acknowledge those underlying issues. “Maybe there’s no intimacy. Or one person is all about their career.”

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Don’t tell outsiders too much

Dr. Louis advises couples who are trying to work through infidelity, “Don’t talk to family about all the details about what’s happening in the relationship. When you get too many people involved in the relationship, it has a huge impact…You need an outlet. But that can’t be going to your parents. Because you might get over it [the cheating], but your mom or dad are not going to forget the thing that you told them in a moment when you were really sad or frustrated with your partner.”

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Ending the affair is crucial

“Another thing that gets in the way of the healing is not ending the affair. The person who cheated may maintain that affair as a way of seeing where things go,” says Dr. Louis. “An affair might start because of, say, intimacy issues. Then that other partner [extramarital] is maintaining those intimacy needs, so the cheater wants to maintain that. But a crucial part of the healing is closing off that affair.”

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Closing off exits

Dr. Louis brought up the concept of “closing off exits.” When asked to expand on what an exit is, she said, “An exit is an outlet…it can be a way of getting your unconscious needs met. Some people have a need to feel important. Or to feel seen or heard. Or feel like they matter. They may use these different exits to meet those unmet needs in their relationship…People have exits in different ways. Substance abuse. Working extra hours.” Or, cheating. Ending the affair is a way of closing that exit, which the betrayed partner needs to see.