Dear Champ,
I have somewhat of a problem that has left me very confused emotionally, and I could use a males perspective from someone who doesn’t know me and isn’t afraid to keep it real with me. I’m friends with this guy and we’ve been friends for about a year now and we mesh so well…. Long story short we’ve developed feelings for each other over the course of our friendship, the problem is he has a girlfriend! Now we’ve never been intimate or even kissed for that matter but the feelings are evident to everyone even his girlfriend (she’s very insecure when it comes to me, she has all reason to be because he’s cheating emotionally)… The thing is he expresses to me how he wants to leave his girlfriend; partly because of me and partly because he believes its the end of the road for their relationship, but he doesn’t want to break her heart (so he says).
My question: is his procrastination a true sign that he really doesn’t want to leave his girlfriend to build something with me? I mean i don’t think he would have any reason to string me along he hasn’t even gotten any…. But hey I’m not a man and as much as i would like to believe that i know what the opposite sex is thinking,I DON’T! please help Champ.Emotionally Confused.
Dear Emotionally Confused,
I must really like you, because I’m about to tell you something that might get my man card suspended for the next 6 to 8 months. Included with that man card membership is at least a dozen very generous perks, including discounted wings at specified location, a GPS to let you know exactly how far away your girlfriend is so you can shut your fun down before she has a chance to, and a Rosetta Stone to help you decipher Derrick Rose whenever he speaks. But, I’m willing to risk all that for what I’m about to tell you. You ready? Ok.
Every man has a mistress. (Yes. Every.) Now, a man’s mistress may not be a mistress in a traditional sense — he doesn’t have to actually sleep with her — but pretty much every man has at least one woman in his life aside from his significant other who “validates” him and reminds him of how attractive he is. Sometimes it’s a co-worker who has a slight crush on him. Sometimes it’s an ex-girlfriend (If you ever wondered why some guys keep ex’s around, this is the reason). Sometimes it may just be a barista at the Starbucks he stops at every morning, the one who always smiles and flirts with him and occasionally makes him think “What if?” We do this because we crave attention and acknowledgement just as much as women do. And, while most women can just walk down a city block and be reminded of how attractive they are to men, most of us don’t have that same luxury. This is where you — the mistress — come in.
Now, while it may seem like this guy is “stringing you along” for no reason (you mentioned that you haven’t slept together), he’s just enjoying the attention you’re providing him. While he may have feelings for you, there’s perhaps a 99.999% chance that he will not leave his girlfriend for you. I mean sure, he might leave his girlfriend, but don’t expect him to straight to you ready to start anew. And, even if he does happen to do that, if his track record — he’s been doing the emotional cheating thing for a year — is any indication, he’s not a guy you’d want to be in a relationship with anyway.
My advice? Lose his number, delete his email address, unfollow him on Twitter, unfriend him on Facebook, and find someone new.
Sincerely,
Damon Young (aka The Champ)
Dear Very Smart Brotha,
I am a female age 30, married in the last year to a man who was raised by a single mother. Not only was he raised by a single mother who coddled him; she raised him to be a grown azz brat with a bad temper, no understanding of finances, no respect, no desire to grow up and be a man unless pushed to the edge and a lack of common sense. Although I decided to marry him anyway for the good in him (he can cook, he is supportive of my dreams and is fun), one short year later I am realizing that I married him for the potential of what he could become versus for what I seen in front of me. I take the blame and know that I married him anyway despite the above mentioned information. His temper can be outrageous, although he has never become physically violent, he has definitely come out the mouth all types of wrong and over the tops. To the point it gets embarrassing if others are around. I have no clue what to do. I feel like it may be disappointing to my family and friends but I have no desire to be with this man long term and again I fully take the blame in moving forward knowing all these things. Now I feel trapped in embarrassment and shame but I still don’t know where to go from here. I know there are far more worse things that he can be I am still not happy knowing that the right man for me and the right woman for him is still out there. A lifetime is a long time to live in misery trying to teach a grown man trapped in a boys mind, new things. We don’t have kids together or any assets thus far.
Signed,
Why Did I Get Married, Really!
Dear Why Did I Get Married, Really,
I’m going to be serious with you because this letter sounds like a letter someone writes before their mate starts becoming physically abusive. He’s already emotionally abusive, and the physical abuse probably isn’t too far away. Be happy that you don’t have any children or real assets to split to complicate things, and go see a divorce lawyer as soon as you finish reading this letter. If you have second thoughts because you don’t know how to replace what your husband is bringing to the table (“he can cook, he is supportive of my dreams and is fun”), buy a cookbook, support your own dreams, and take a vacation to Disney World.
Sincerely,
Damon Young (aka The Champ)
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com
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