How To Normalize Conversations About Money In Your Relationship

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For many, in the early stages of dating, they’re just thinking about chemistry, the romantic element, the fun. But if things go well, a relationship inevitably transitions into something much bigger than just a romantic experience. You and your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse become partners in life, and that means managing the logistics and practical matters of life, like finances.

Talking about money can be uncomfortable. Even those who may be comfortable discussing it with family, friends, and perhaps strangers, can feel deeply awkward discussing it with a romantic partner and there’s certainly nothing fun about it. Avoiding these discussions, however, can, unfortunately, lead to bigger issues down the line, both within your finances and your relationship. Financial expert and coach Dr. Nicole Scott of Amountfinancial.com has some advice for how couples can normalize financial conversations in their relationships in order to set themselves up for future success.

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Start early

Dr. Scott states that financial talks should already begin in the early stages of a relationship, i.e. the dating stage. That’s when you should begin assessing someone’s comfort level with discussing money. “If there were issues before marriage, they will be exasperated after marriage. If someone didn’t like talking about money before marriage, it will be worse after marriage,” warns Dr. Scott.

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Discuss it even on the first date

“When you’re dating, start to have those small conversations. Even if it’s the first date, talk about expectations on who is paying for what, without it being super awkward. Start an environment in which you can have financial talks, openly and early. Then money becomes a natural conversation,” says Dr. Scott. She adds, “If you notice it tenses up every time you have one of those conversations, that’s something to take into consideration about who you’re dealing with.”

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Don’t ignore red flags

“We often see the red flags in the beginning but are in such a rush to get married, or we assume those things will figure themselves out, but they don’t,” explains Dr. Scott. Among many other red flags that shouldn’t be ignored early on, resistance to talking about money matters might just be another one.

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Talk about goals

Dr. Scott recommends talking about financial goals and says it can be done in a way that’s fun. Dr. Scott says it can be something as simple as conversations like, “Do you want to get into homeownership. Me too! What are you doing? Attending any first-time homeowner programs?” She suggests chatting with new partners about things like 401Ks – and asking if their job offers a 401K match. Just starting these talks can show you how open someone is willing to be about money.

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What about credit score?

Dr. Scott instructs not to put too much emphasis on credit score, as that’s not always an indicator of someone’s financial beliefs. “Nobody wakes up to an 800 credit score,” Dr. Scott reminds us. We need to remember that things like student loans or credit card debt taken on to pay essential expenses could be impacting that number.

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Vacations provide a good opportunity

When you haven’t fully joined lives and finances with a partner, you need to look for those natural opportunities to discuss money, as they may not come up often. Dr. Scott sees travel as a good opportunity to talk money. “When you want to travel together, how do you see this? Do you put money aside? How do you see it being paid for? Who is paying for what?”

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Be aware of money love languages

You’ve likely heard of the five love languages – act of service, gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch – but did you know that there’s another one? That’s the money love language. When a partner wants to treat you, does that mean cooking you a home-cooked meal, or treating you to expensive delivery? To celebrate your victories, is he more inclined to do something small, or throw you a big, expensive party? It’s important to know what spending represents to your partner in talking about money.

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Understand their childhood

Dr. Scott brought up how someone’s childhood could impact their financial beliefs, and that it’s good to get a sense of how they were raised, particularly with regard to money. “What biases may you both be experiencing? If one person grew up in a house where the father took care of all the bills and the mother took care of the family needs, is that the expectation in this marriage? If one person grew up in a house where the father made all the financial decisions, does she think her husband will make all those decisions?”

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Do what’s best for you

Dr. Scott encourages couples to explore the question: “What are those expectations that are not being said?” She reminds us that just because your parents did things one way doesn’t mean that’s what will be best for your family, and your particular situation. “What works for your house isn’t going to be what works for anyone else’s house.”

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The abundance mindset

Dr. Scott is a big proponent of the abundance mindset, and having both people in a relationship having that mindset. “There’s nothing worse than one person moving forward and the other person moving backward,” states Dr. Scott. “If one is trying to save and the other has Amazon packages shipped every day, and you can’t reach savings goals, that affects both of you.”

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Prevent financial infidelity

There are many types of infidelity, and different couples perceive different things as “cheating,” but financial infidelity can be particularly damaging. Dr. Scott recommends that couples, “Put boundaries in place on certain things. Financial infidelity can happen when large financial decisions are made, and not expressed to the other person, but it clearly affects the other person. So it’s important to set boundaries on how you handle finances.”

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Communication issues and financial infidelity

Dr. Scott mentioned one example of a client who went out and purchased a new car without consulting her spouse. That’s a rather big purchase to make without talking to one’s partner. But Dr. Scott noted the couple struggled to communicate about finances. As a result, this massive financial infidelity occurred.

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In some cases, therapy is necessary

Dr. Scott has therapists in her network and sometimes sends her clients to them if they’ve struggled with financial infidelity or financial trust issues. “It’s hard to build in generational wealth when you don’t trust each other,” she says. Leaving something behind for future generations is a concept Dr. Scott speaks often on, and something for which many of her clients seek guidance.

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When collaboration holds us back

If the idea of having to discuss every single financial transaction with your partner is frustrating or even stifling, Dr. Scott says “It can be important to have separate accounts, and there are some areas in which you have your own jurisdiction, so you don’t have to agree on everything.”

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You can have shared and separate goals

“You have your collective means of saving and spending, but you also want to have your single entities, so you can go and purchase that single thing you need, and you can make it happen, and it doesn’t need to cause tension,” Dr. Scott adds. She does advise that, when it comes to your joint account, it’s important to set rules and expectations surrounding how that is used.

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How To Normalize Conversations About Money In A Relationship