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“To be married is to fight in Home Depot every Saturday” is what one of my friends texted me recently. She was responding to my text, in which I was telling her about the fight I was having with my husband in Home Depot. I caught us being such a stereotype. I was angrily following my partner, who was walking away from me, boards of wood over his shoulder, as I said through gritted teeth, “I am not micro managing you I just happen to have valuable input!” I’m sure anyone who heard that thought they were caught on some hidden camera prank show. We were just a TV sketch waiting to happen. But most married couples probably do know that you just have these micro fights that come and go every day. They irritate you a lot, but not enough to ruin the day over. You never fully come to a conclusion – you never reach a solution – as to how you’ll avoid having the same fights in the future. You just know you’ll have them again and again. Here are micro fights every married couple has.
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Don’t put me on speakerphone
You know when your partner comes up to you, while you’re minding your business, and puts a speakerphone call in your face, with someone he knows you don’t want to/don’t have time to talk to right now? Then you are forced to stop what you’re doing to get on that call to be polite? Mhm. That’ll start a fight when the call is over.
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A weird amount of leftovers
When it comes to eating leftovers that were clearly for both people, either finish them all, hoping your partner forgets there were ever leftovers, or leave a reasonable amount that someone could actually make a meal out of. Do not leave a quarter of a burger or half a cup of pasta. Or there will be words exchanged.
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Why are you texting during the movie?
“Hey. We are watching a movie. Can you focus please? Put your phone down. We’re having an experience. Thank you.” (Me, five minutes later) “Oh sorry I just gotta send this text real quick and respond to this comment on my Instagram post.”
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I need your focus, but I’m not focused
Isn’t it infuriating when your partner demands your attention while he tells a story, but he’s barely paying attention himself? Like he asks you to stop what you’re doing to listen to him, then he proceeds to read an email while telling a story, pausing, losing his train of thought, and having you focus for basically no reason.
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Don’t micromanage this house project
Men can be particularly sensitive about this one. They don’t want you overseeing the house project. So even while you see your partner hanging up a shelf or photo in a way that will so clearly damage the wall, you’re not supposed to say anything. If you say something, even if you wind up correct, you’ll still get in trouble for micromanaging.
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Home Depot fights
As I said, Home Depot and similar stores can be the sites of many a marital dispute. Everybody has a different opinion on what color paint would work for that room or which type of bracket you need for that shelf or if those are the wrong screws and “Why are you asking an employee? Do you not have confidence in me?”
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If I’m making you dinner, I’m the boss
I’m guilty of this one: my partner will want to do the kind gesture of making me dinner. But, I have a certain way I like my food. So I stand around the kitchen “Keeping him company,” while I make comments about not putting the heat so high on those veggies or adding more Cumin to that sauce. Then he gets mad that I’m bossing him around while he’s doing a nice thing for me.
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What time are we leaving?
Everyone has a very specific time at which they’d like to leave – a time that will benefit them the most. I want to leave 10 minutes early so I can stop at the pharmacy. He doesn’t want to leave until this or that time because he has a scheduled call with a friend, and doesn’t want to cut it short. We will nitpick over a difference of 10 minutes in our ETD.
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Let me run this errand on your time
Speaking of having us leave early so I can stop at the pharmacy, nobody likes to have someone run errands on their time. But my husband and I will do that to each other all of the time. We’ll be on our way to do something fun and I’ll say, “Well that’s right by the pharmacy can we stop so I can get some face wash?” And he hates being looped into that.
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Don’t hold that favor over my head
You know how, sometimes, your partner is being lazy or selfish or unhelpful, so you remind him of a recent time you were very helpful? Then he says, “Oh, so you only did that nice thing to gain leverage? And not to be nice?” Then you feel totally called out and get defensive. Even though he kind of has a point…
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I can’t tell people, but you did?
As partners, you’ll have secrets. Or you won’t even have really secrets so much as information you thought would stay between the two of you. Maybe it’s embarrassing. So you get in trouble for telling friends about it. But then your partner goes ahead and talks to friends about it, right in front of your face. So is this a secret or not?
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I’m not dilly-dallying: this is important!
Everybody seems to have jurisdiction over what constitutes as a good reason to dilly dally. My partner will get upset with me for taking too long to get out the door. I’ll say, “I’m putting on sunscreen!” He’ll say, “You can do that at the destination!” And I’ll get upset because I don’t want to lug the big sunscreen bottle with us to the destination.
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You took too long in that store
There is almost no acceptable amount of time to leave your partner waiting in the car while you run into a store to run an errand. I’ve timed it, and I actually once only left my partner in the car for five minutes. When I returned, he said, “That was like 20 minutes!” I said “It was five!” He said “Well, it took too long.”
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Oh so you decide when we discuss that?
There are some topics you get tired of talking about as a couple. Like what sort of couches to get for the living room. Or whose family you’ll visit for the upcoming holiday. Each person will take turns saying, “Okay I’m tired of talking about this. Let’s drop it for now,” and then they’ll be the very person to bring it up 10 minutes later.
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Don’t nap while I’m driving
Maybe this is just my husband, but I’m not supposed to nap while he’s driving us on road trips. He says that he’s doing us the favor of driving so I should do him the favor of staying awake to keep him company. I think I should get to nap, so I can get energy, and then I’ll take over the wheel. “But I want to drive,” he says. Ugh. I can’t win.
