Source: katleho Seisa / Getty
I’ve seen a few of my girlfriends do this over the years: they settled for a very stable but totally passion-less relationship, as a response to being burned in the past. They did the whole tumultuous-but-exciting thing one too many times. They became tired and fragile. I hear some of them say things like, “Well, this is a more mature relationship” or “It was time to grow up.” Damn. What a, um, thrilling way to discuss your romantic relationship. Sounds like they’re purchasing an insurance policy. I do agree that it’s important to have mature, stable relationships, but they don’t need to be void of passion and fun. Some of my friends talk about their relationship in a way that sounds like, “Well, it was time for me to give up my freedom, so I turned in my belongings and am happily going to prison now. The warden is very nice here.” Look, I get it, hanging in there until you find someone who both makes you feel safe and excited isn’t easy. It isn’t for the meek of heart. But being hurt a few times is no reason to give up a lifetime of happiness, all in the name of feeling “safe.” You can have both. You can be with someone who makes your heart race but also puts you at ease. Not everyone is willing to wait to find that, though. Here are signs you settled because you were hurt in the past.
via GIPHY
Your partner has little to no social life
Your partner has no life outside of you. He doesn’t have many other friends. He says he does, but they’re more like ornaments: he only brings them out for special occasions. He doesn’t pursue and nurture a fun, active, vibrant social life outside of the relationship. In other words, you can always count on him to be free when you want companionship.
via GIPHY
In fact, he does everything with you
Your partner does absolutely everything with you, including things like come along on girls’ night or other activities he really shouldn’t be present at. He’s essentially a security blanket at this point. He’s so devoted and loyal, and you just prefer having nearby, everywhere you go. When he can’t come with you, you spend your entire time texting him in a corner.
via GIPHY
You’re by far the boss here
You may not want to admit it, but if it’s true, you know it in your gut: you’re the boss here. What you say goes. Your partner doesn’t have opinions of his own. He doesn’t make demands. You two spend Saturdays doing what you want. If you say you’re upset, he bends over backward to fix it, and never argues with your or stands his ground.
via GIPHY
People say you’re out of his league
People often say that you’re out of his league. It’s rude, but they say it – and a lot. Not necessarily in terms of looks (because that shouldn’t really matter), but personality. They say that you just bring so much more to the table, and are a lot more outgoing than he is. People make a lot of comments about you clearly being the social butterfly in this pairing, and potentially carrying all the weight.
via GIPHY
Even he says it
Even he often says, “You’re too good for me,” “I don’t know why you’re with me,” “You could have any other guy…” and things like that. Even your dude is a bit confused as to what you’re doing with him. It’s pretty clear to him that this relationship holds you back in some way. It’s clear he’s just hanging around as long as you’ll let him.
via GIPHY
You know he’d never leave you
You have no question in your mind that he’d ever leave you. Ever. You don’t think there’s anything you could do that would make him leave you. Even if you cheated. Or even if you were mean to him. You have treated him, at some times, in ways you aren’t proud of. And he didn’t go anywhere. Well, that’s part of the reason you’re with him. But in a healthy relationship, you should know that, if you messed up, you’d risk losing your person.
via GIPHY
He doesn’t really add to your life
If you’re being honest, he doesn’t enhance your life. He doesn’t add diversity to it. He isn’t the yin to your yang. He’s sort of a chameleon. He does what you do and goes where you go. He’s a cushion. He’s a crutch. He’s complimentary to your life. But he doesn’t have his own distinct thing going on that stands out, and adds texture to your world.
via GIPHY
But he doesn’t cause you troubles, either
That’s where he lands. He doesn’t add to your life, but he doesn’t take away from it either. He doesn’t cause you any troubles. You never feel that you are distracted by some fight you two had or some drama going on. You don’t feel…passionate enough about him to ever fight or have drama. So he’s just nice and neutral.
via GIPHY
You flirt with others
You find yourself flirting with others sometimes. Oops. Perhaps the types of guys you used to go for – the types who hurt you. When you have a few drinks, it really comes out. Friends have had to pull you aside and ask, “What the hell are you doing?” It’s your subconscious screaming for help.
via GIPHY
You compare it to toxic relationships
You often compare your relationship to really sh*tty relationships. You’ll talk about couples who yell and fight a lot, are on and off a lot, who are mean to each other, who kind of hate each other, and you’ll say, “Ah. It’s so nice my relationship is nothing like that.” You take a lot of solace in the fact that your relationship is not terrible.
via GIPHY
But not to great relationships
“Not terrible” is the only standard to which you hold your relationship. You never compare it to relationships that are awesome. You never compare it to relationships in which the people are clearly madly in love, grow together, excite each other, and enhance one another’s lives. You don’t compare yours to that because, well, the results would be sad.
via GIPHY
You’re lagging on moving forward
You’ve been stuck in one place for a long time. You’ve been dating forever but won’t move in together. Or you got engaged…three years ago. And never planned a wedding. Or you’ve been living together for five years, but won’t get engaged. The sense of security keeps you right where you are, but there isn’t any excitement to move things forward.
via GIPHY
You feel very safe but very bored
You can confidently say that you feel safe. You feel cared for. You don’t think your partner would ever cheat. You don’t think he’d ever yell at you. He completely and totally supports everything you do. He’s your cheerleader. The stability is there. But…you’re also extremely bored.
via GIPHY
You treat him like a girlfriend
You kind of treat him like your bff. He watches all your favorite rom coms with you and reads celebrity gossip magazines with you and gets pedicures with you. He listens to your drama about your fights with your mom and your other best friend, and he fully engages in the gossip. He’s kind of your puppy dog…
via GIPHY
You often hear, “He’s not your type…”
When anybody who knows you well meets him, they say something like, “He’s not really your usual type…” You think that’s good, because your usual type hurts you. But they’re clearly saying it with concern, like, “I don’t see anything that you’d find exciting here…”
