When Opposites Attracting Goes Terribly Wrong

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The concept of opposites attracting is an interesting one. You probably know some couples who are a total case of opposites attracting, and it just works. Their differences complement each other. Where one is weak, the other is strong, so together, they’re pretty solid. They love their differences. They find them endearing. They appreciate the diversity and novelty that their partners bring into their lives. But then, you also probably know couples who are cases of opposites attracting where it doesn’t work. You say, “I really don’t understand why they’re together. He is so this way and she is so that way.” It seems their differences are always the cause of their conflicts. It appears that they tolerate the ways in which they’re different, rather than celebrate them. Ultimately, when we meet someone who is our opposite, there can be an initial excitement there, but we have to ask ourselves, “Is this a quality I think I can not only live with but enjoy?” Or…is it just the newness that’s fun for now, and eventually the differences will drive you crazy? Here are ways opposites attract and it doesn’t work out.

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When the introvert “fails” at socializing

When an extrovert dates an introvert, knowing he’s an introvert, and tries to force him to be an extrovert, dragging him out to events and making him be more social. Then she gets angry that he was exactly what she knew he was – an introvert – and spent much of the night sitting alone, waiting to leave. The extrovert feels bad the whole night, unable to enjoy herself, and the introvert feels anxiety the whole night.

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Or the extrovert stays in

Then there are cases of extroverts and introverts being together when the introvert is the most influential one, convincing the extrovert to stay in. So the extrovert does. She becomes less and less social, because when she goes out, her partner makes her feel bad for it, rather than encouraging her to enjoy herself. But if you keep an extrovert in for too long, she’ll become unhappy.

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When contentment is confused for laziness

Some individuals genuinely want a simple life. So long as their bills are paid for, they have a nice home, and they have good friends, they’re happy. Relationships are their priority, rather than career accomplishments. They don’t need to build something or invent something. They don’t need fame or notoriety. They don’t need lots of money. But sometimes, when someone like that winds up with someone super ambitious, the ambitious one can confuse the contentment of their partner for laziness.

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Or ambition is stifled

The nature of an ambitious person shouldn’t be squandered. Work-life balance is important, of course, and in a good case of opposites attracting, the person who prioritizes family over career helps the ambitious one have more work-life balance. But they do not make the ambitious one feel bad for her ambitions. They do not see those ambitions as always in direct conflict with their happiness as a couple.

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When a quiet person never gets to speak

You see this a lot: the quiet and the talkative person together. It can certainly work, but not when the talkative one only dates the quiet one so she can monopolize every conversation and leave her quiet partner in the dust. A good partner knows quiet people have wonderful things to say, and need to be given the space to say them.

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Or the social butterfly feels guilty

Of course, if you’re somewhat quiet and date a social butterfly, you know what you’re getting into. When someone quiet gets angry with their social partner for talking so much and telling so many stories, that’s not fair, either. Then the outgoing one starts to feel insecure about doing what makes her happy: chatting.

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When the artist is misunderstood

Right- and left-brained individuals often get together. Having someone who is more arts and languages inclined with someone who is more maths and sciences inclined can be very complementary. Except in the cases when the math-minded one sees the artistic one as flighty or dumb, rather than smart in her own way.

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Or the practical one is called “soul-less”

Then there are the artists who wind up with the finance guys or the software developers, knowing exactly what they’re getting into. And rather than seeing their partner’s work and aspirations as admirable – they’re planning for a future, and creating stability – they accuse them of being soul-less or passion-less.

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When the adventurer is called “childish”

Sometimes the adventurer who will forever be a child at heart gets with someone more responsible. It can be good, as the adventurer brings more fun into her partner’s life, while her partner grounds her when it’s important. But sometimes, in this pairing, the responsible one just sees the child-like one as irresponsible and aggravating, rather than energetic and endearing.

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And the responsible one is called “no fun”

And sometimes in this pairing, rather than appreciating the maturity and organizational skills of the responsible one, the adventurer calls her partner “no fun,” “a buzz kill,” and “boring.” It’s all about seeing the positive of our partner’s opposite personality traits – not the negative.

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When the fitness junkie slacks off

It’s rare, but you can get someone who is super into fitness with someone who couldn’t care less about it. If fitness is important to somebody, then they should cherish that and keep it up. But it can be a problem when their partner makes them feel guilty for leaving them to exercise or attend a wellness seminar, and the fitness enthusiast can start slacking off to appease their partner.

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Or the chill one is called a “sloth”

I was in such a relationship once. My partner was all about getting up early for hiking and protein shakes and clean eating and hitting the gym every day. He knew I wasn’t and then…he started to chastise me for spending my Saturdays relaxing on the couch or shopping with friends. Huh? He knew how I was when he started dating me.

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When compassion is called stupidity

I’m very compassionate. I donate to a lot of charities. I give my leftovers to homeless individuals. I give money or water or blankets to homeless individuals with pets. But I’ve known men who called me “dumb” or “a pushover” or “so gullible” because, apparently, these may have been scam artists. They found a way of seeing the negative side of my compassion, all because they might be someone who would do more research before giving out resources.

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Or diligence is called apathy

It also isn’t fair when someone who has a huge heart accuses her partner of “not caring” all because he’d rather go home and research a reputable charity to donate to rather than hand cash to an individual on the street. That’s just called being diligent; not heartless.

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Opposing traits should be celebrated

When it comes to opposites being together, the important thing is that we see our partner’s opposite traits as strengths – not weaknesses, and not nuisances. We should be embracing the ways in which we’re different, and really feel that our partner’s differences enhance our lives, rather than bother us.