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Changing your name when you get married is such an old tradition. Many newlyweds just do it on instinct, without really thinking what it will mean, or what will come after. When my husband and I filed for our marriage license, I remember being surprised by how small and seemingly informal the name change box was. It just popped up at the bottom and asked if I’d like to change my name at that time, and to what I’d like to change it. “That’s it?” I thought. “I could just fill that in right there and I’d suddenly have a new name?” I didn’t do it at the time. It all came at me so quickly. I never even realized I had a huge attachment to my last name until I was presented with the opportunity to change it, in an instant. Honestly, I even have a complicated relationship with my last name. It’s my father’s and, though my dad and I are good now, we have a complicated past. He cheated on my mom and I didn’t talk to him for quite some time. I despise his new girlfriend, who is pretty open about just being with him for his money. And how she tells people she has his last name, though she doesn’t. You’d think maybe I’d be quick to get rid of the name. But there’s a lot that happens when you change your name, emotionally and practically. Here’s what to expect after changing your last name.
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Imposter syndrome
You may go through a brief period of imposter syndrome. It could last a year or a couple of years. It happens any time somebody takes on a new title, like when someone becomes a doctor. Saying, “Hi I’m Dr. so-and-so” feels false at first. It can feel like you haven’t quite yet “earned” it, or something like that. The same happens when you take someone’s last name.
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You don’t own it around his family
You can feel particularly insecure about owning your new last name when you’re around his blood relatives. They’ve had the name for such a long time. Many of them were born into it. And you just feel presumptuous by calling yourself by that new last name, in front of others who probably feel more ownership over it.
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Expect some backlash from family
There can be some hurt feelings in your family. I know my family isn’t wild about my changing my last name. They are traditional, so I was surprised there was any pushback, but I think it could be because there was divorce and turmoil in my family. They may not like feeling that, in one more way, the family is broken up – like by me splitting off into a new last name.
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And a brief identity crisis
There may be a brief identity crisis. You may not realize how much of your last name was baked into your views of yourself. You were a insert maiden name here for a very long time. And you were all the things that comes with – all the traits you felt defined your family. You may experience a period of feeling like you don’t quite know exactly who you are once you change your last name. But it’ll pass, because you are so much more than your name.
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Plus resentment of your partner
So you should know that the homework associated with changing your last name is very, very long. And tedious. And annoying. So if you’re the one changing your name, you may slightly resent your partner because you feel like you’re doing all of these frustrating tasks for his benefit. He can try to help you with the tasks, but most of it will naturally fall on you.
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Some judgment from female friends
Some of your more militant feminist friends may judge you for taking your partner’s last name. They can see the tradition as misogynistic, sexist, and even damaging to feminist progress. Just be ready for this. You can change the subject. They’ll let it go eventually. For me, changing my last name is about creating a family unit. Having the same last name as my partner really makes me feel that we are family. And I like his last name. It’s quite beautiful, actually.
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You’ll keep forgetting
You’ll probably forget, for a while, that you changed your last name. You’ll keep introducing yourself with your maiden name. Then you’ll say, “Oops, sorry. I got married this year. My name is actually…” Your partner may also get a little upset when you keep using your old last name. He might feel it’s your subconscious’ way of rejecting your new last name.
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Get a new driver’s license
So, now onto the tasks. The many, many tasks. Just be prepared for the first year or two after changing your last name to involve some road bumps and hiccups. Some will be minor and some will be major. There are a lot of documents you’ll need to update, and if they don’t reflect your new name, it could be a problem. Let’s start with your driver’s license. This is your most commonly-used form of ID. You’ll often need it to do things like pick up prescriptions or make transactions at your bank. You’ll need to update this.
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The bank
Speaking of making transactions at the bank, change your name on your bank accounts. All of them. Credit card accounts, too. When you go into a banking institution, they’ll ask for your ID, and if the name on your ID is different from that on your bank account, they may give you a hard time about moving forward with your desired transaction.
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Notify creditors
Let your credit card companies know, too. And order new cards, with your new name on them. If the places you shop with a card are diligent enough to ask for your ID when you use your card, you could run into some issues if the name on your card is different from that on your new, updated driver’s license.
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Notify work
Get in touch with the human resources department at your work. They should be quite helpful in walking you through where and how to update your name. You’ll likely need to update it on several benefits forms, like 401K paperwork or life insurance policies obtained through work, and any tax documents they generate for you.
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Talk to insurance
Call all of your insurance companies. You may have many. Health. Car. Pet. Home. Computer. Phone. Life. They all need your new name on file, so there aren’t road bumps when you call, tell them your name, and they say, “Mmm. I can’t seem to find your record.”
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Get a new passport
This one is a headache, but it must be done. Some countries might accept your old passport with your old name, so long as you also present a marriage certificate. But even that only works for a year after getting married, and it’s a nuisance to remember to always travel with a copy of your marriage certificate.
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Speak to licensing boards
If you have any sort of licenses – for example, if you’re a masseuse, an accountant, a therapist, or just have a business license for your city of any kind – you’ll need to speak to these boards and update your name. The public, like clients, have the right to be able to search for your license, and they’ll struggle to find you if you haven’t updated your name on your business license.
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Change it on the title to your home
You’ll need to change it on the title of your home, too. In the event of your death, your spouse’s death, or a divorce, you don’t need any more obstacles standing in the way of fairly dividing up property. You also wouldn’t want to struggle to lay claim to your property in a lawsuit. So update this title.
