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There’s always been a tremendous amount of honor in working in the medical field, but I think we all feel a heightened respect for those doing so now, during the COVID-19 pandemic. We always knew, to some extent, that doctors and nurses do something very similar to firemen, in that they walk into the situation from which everyone else is trying to escape. Nobody hopes to wind up in the hospital. But every day, doctors and nurses go there, intentionally, knowing they’ll witness some horrifying things. They’ll also witness some beautiful things, but they know they’re embracing an emotional roller coaster that’s beyond comprehensible to those who don’t work in this field. And then, there are those quieter heroes who maybe we don’t talk about as much: those behind the doctors and nurses. Their loved ones who support them. Their family and friends and romantic partners who give them the strength to keep going. That’s no small task, either. If you’re romantically involved with someone in this field, you know what it’s about. Now, if you’re involved with someone currently in medical school, that is its own heaven and hell. Med school is quite a bit like training camp for the military: every day is meant to be like the hardest day on the real job may be, so they’re prepared for when those days come. Here is what to know if you’re going to be with someone in medical school.
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You’re in a waiting period
You’re entering what will feel like the waiting room or lobby of your relationship. You’re not fully in it right now. It’s just on the other side of some doors. You can see it and taste it. It’s right there. But now, you have to wait. There is no semblance of a normal relationship when you’re with someone in medical school.
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But it’ll be worth it
It will be worth it. If you were already together for some time before medical school started, and you know how you can be when things are good – and it’s really great – the waiting period will be worth it. You’ll wind up with someone who is very fulfilled by their job. And, let’s be honest, possibly financially pretty set. Just sayin’.
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They’re the best listeners
A good doctor or nurse must be compassionate, empathetic, and a great listener. They must hone these skills. They need to hear what they’re patients are saying, and pick up on what’s going on beneath the surface. Your partner will become an incredible listener, if he wasn’t already. It can feel like having your own personal therapist.
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Unless they’re asleep
*Huge Caveat* to the listening thing. They won’t be a good listener if they’re asleep. When a medical student is on, he’s really on. He’s alert. He’s attentive. He can get tons of sh*t done. He’s a multi-tasker. He’s on it. But when he’s exhausted, it’s over. If your partner says, “I’m a bit too tired to discuss this right now” listen. Because that person is about to be snoring.
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They need to sleep on their days off
Your partner will need to just sleep and sleep on his time off. Remember that medical students can work 24-hour shifts that bleed into 28-hour shifts. Their precious time off must be spent sleeping and sleeping. On that note, try to create an environment that helps them sleep peacefully. Be respectful of the fact that they’re trying to get some rest – rest that is critical to their work.
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Plan date nights a thousand years early
You can still have some date nights, but you need to plan them far in advance. Spontaneity is out the window at this point. If you want your medical student partner to be present and enjoy date night, he needs plenty of advance notice so he can plan accordingly, catch some naps the day of, and do the few things he can to make sure it actually works out.
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You may do a lot of things alone
You may feel single at times. It can be hard, if we’re being honest. You will attend a lot of once-in-a-lifetime experiences, like friends’ weddings and huge concerts and family events, alone. Your medical student partner cannot be there. And a lot of people will take pity on you. It can be hard for them to understand that you’re okay with this, even if it makes you a little sad. You know you’re supporting somebody great.
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Find someone else in the same position
It can really help to befriend some people in the same position of you – the girlfriends, boyfriends, and spouses of medical students. It’s amazing how just talking to others who intimately understand what you’re going through makes it all so much better. And there is a bond like no other that you will form with these particular friends. You’ll never forget the medical school days of your relationships.
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There will be experiences you can’t understand
There will be days when your partner comes home and has a traumatized look on his face, as if he’s come back from a war. In a way, he has. He may not want to talk about some of what he’s seen. Or he may tell you things that you can’t even digest as true and real – they’re just so heartbreaking. You can sometimes feel guilty that you don’t understand.
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You aren’t expected to understand
You aren’t expected to understand. Really. He knows. And, in a way, your partner takes some comfort in the fact that you aren’t a part of that world. He’s around people who know the trauma, all of the time. It can be nice for him to be around someone who doesn’t even have that stuff in her mind. Just be there for him. Be comforting and loving.
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There will be meltdowns
There will be days when your partner will tell you he can’t go on. There will be full on, crouched and crying in the corner meltdowns, when he says he can’t do it anymore, and he doesn’t think he has the strength to complete it. This is where you come in. This is where you remind him why he got into this, and remind him of those stories he told you, about why this means so much to him.
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The mystery is over
If you were hoping to maintain some sort of mystery in this relationship, it’s over. Your partner has seen it all at the hospital now, and has no problem talking about all the nastiest symptoms. If you mention a tiny stomach ache, he may start asking you very personal and graphic questions you’re not comfortable answering. But it’s nothing to him now.
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The drive will encourage you
You’ll find tremendous motivation in your partner’s drive. It’s hard to give yourself any excuses not to pursue your dreams when you see your partner doing so on almost no sleep, in the middle of full-on emotional breakdowns. So…you’re not going to work on your website or book today because you’re a little tired? Nah. That won’t fly.
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You’ll probably need to move
You don’t know where medical school may send your partner. Once he is a nurse or doctor, he can seek jobs or open a practice where he wants, but for now, your fate – and zip code – are in the hands of the medical school. So be prepared to move. Possibly a few times.
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When he lets loose, he’ll really go for it
Just like a graduate student (or, let’s face it, an undergrad student) your medical school student will need to blow off some serious steam, when it’s time. He may really want to let loose, have lots of cocktails, go on a nice weekend getaway, and just luxuriate during his time off. His time off is too precious to waste.
